Pete Evans Should Make Vacuum Cleaners Because His Frying Pans Suck Hard

I never thought I’d be the sort of sad bastard who would ever write a frying pan review, but sometimes the muse grabs me by the flaps and and screams “Hey! You need to use this platform to warn people about shit things. This frypan is **spoiler alert** fucking shit and it is your duty to make this shitness known”

The frypan in question is the 30cm Baccarat Pete Evans Frying Pan. Yes, sigh. THAT Pete Evans. I have nothing against the guy but I am literally at risk of losing actual friends for disclosing that I spent actual money on one of his actual products and to those people, I would simply say MY DICKHEAD HUSBAND WAS RESPONSIBLE FOR THIS PURCHASE DECISION.

And now, to the review….

First off, the positives. I took it out of the packaging and immediately thought “Yes! This is a very good pan. The best! No one makes better frying pans than this”, because my husband had just blown almost $100 on a pan that we didn’t really need, so I wanted to believe it. I was happy to keep using my non-stick pan with the peeling Teflon but my husband was worried about carcinogens, despite being a smoker for almost 20 years.

And that’s how I found myself in House on a Saturday morning.

My husband got talked into purchasing this pan by a Teflon-slick sales assistant, and the packaging assured us that Pete’s range of cookware is “PTFE and PFOA-free for healthy cooking with no chemicals”, so that sealed the deal – as did the fact that I wanted to GTFO of there ASAP. Penrith Plaza is a fucking shitfight on Saturdays.

(Side note: Water is a chemical. Salt is a chemical. These elements can also combine to create Tears of Disappointment, which is another harmless but rather poignant chemical. There were a lot of those when we attempted to cook with this frypan, coincidentally)

So we got home and were ready to use our new frypan when the disquiet started to settle in. Our Baccarat Pete Evans frypan came with an INSTRUCTION BOOKLET that we MUST READ FIRST and a QR code leading to a YOUTUBE TUTORIAL, starring Australian’s own superchef in the flesh.

I mean, why the fuck does a frypan come with an instruction manual? This foreshadowed two very unnerving possibilities: 1) Pete’s YouTube tutorial was a gratuitous vanity exercise aimed at the sort of duckwits who need warning labels like “Contains Peanuts” on jars of peanut butter OR 2) this frypan was going to be way more complicated than a frypan ever needs to be.

Lamentably, it was the latter.

Keeping our excitement in check, we watched the video and carefully read the instructions before exploring the amazing potential of our new frypan. It wasn’t long before we hit one tiny little snag…

HOT SURFACES MAKE IT BUCKLE.

Yes, you read that right. Pete’s precious PTFE and PFOA-free frypan does not respond well to heat. In fact, the whole thing can buckle at hot temperatures. I mean, this won’t be a huge problem if you don’t use heat to fry things in your frypan but for those of us who do, it is somewhat of an inconvenience.

It turns out that our non-stick seductress needs a lot of foreplay before it puts out. Unlike other frypans – that are ready for action in an instant – Pete’s precious frypan needs to be lubricated with oil and heated up slowly and gently. If my old frypan was a fuss-free Tinder hookup – quick and hot – Pete’s frypan is a virgin bride on her wedding night (and the experience is just as fraught with disappointment).

To be clear, my eternally-patient husband was the one who tried cooking with this PTFE and PFOA-free POS, diligently following the instructions in multiple attempts to get it working. Me, on the other hand, would have thrown the stupid fucking thing out the window as soon as I was ordered to tickle its clit with tallow for half an hour before using it. Ain’t nobody got time for that.

Because (ALL THE LOLs) your precious new frypan must be “seasoned” with an oil that has a HIGH burning point, which is terrifically ironic because your new frypan can’t handle high temperatures without buckling. I could almost hear Pete chuckling into his bowl of coconut kefir and sauteed emu’s testicles as he mentally added another several zeroes to his next royalty cheque.

You see, I’m a busy woman. I don’t have hours of time to waste on pointless foreplay with my kitchenware and if I had to make love to one of my appliances it would be my spiraliser, because I am a middle-aged woman on a low carb diet – zoodles get me hard. I’m not going to gently whisper sweet nothings to my frypan for 45 minutes every fucking night while waiting for it to do its actual fucking job.

In summary: if Pete Evans wants to make technology that sucks this hard he should start selling vacuum cleaners.

Perfect for: Raw food weirdos who think heating food is carcinogenic and people who use kitchenware for virtue-signalling their wellness credentials instead of preparing actual meals

Terrible for: People who want to cook things

Score: ZERO stars and ONE annoying trip back to Penrith fucking Plaza, to return it for eighty dollars worth of store credit.

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6 thoughts on “Pete Evans Should Make Vacuum Cleaners Because His Frying Pans Suck Hard

  1. Aah yes, I too have had an incredibly frustrating and incredulous conversation with Prue and Trude from House about why my new Jamie Oliver pan of $100+++ was warped after cooking eggs in it. I mean WTAF?? There must be some global celebrity chef agency rolling around on their angora gold flecked wool carpets laughing their guts out at all the stupid twats buying frypans you can’t fry things in. FFS . You’ve struck a chord with me on this one! !!

  2. God I love your posts, always good for a belly laugh. Someone needs to smack him over the head with his non frying, frying pan. It might help, you never know.

  3. Seasoning pans drives me flipping mad. And then everything fucking sticks to them anyway. Although I did season a steel wok when I got one years ago and that turned out ok. STILL a total PITA.

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