Seven Awesome Bitches You Need in Your Mum Squad

2017 is the Year of the Squad. Think Taylor Swift and her merry band of beautiful besties, the Suicide Squad with its posse of evil supervillains and the Liberal Party with it’s preening flock of elitist dickheads.

Squad is hot and I want in, but I’m a middle-aged mum…

Despite my spectacular lack of fleek or bae or whatever the fuck passes for cool these days, I’ve still managed to pull together a kick-ass squad of kick-ass bitches that do kick-ass things when they’re not doing the school run or scrubbing skid marks off the bottom of the toilet.

My #mumsquad is spread far and wide across multiple suburbs, continents, school gates and virtual spaces, and I am proud to call all of these bitches – and then some – my friends.

Every mum needs a squad. How many of these women have you got on your team?

1. The Warrior

The Warrior always has your back. Fiesty, forthright and fierce as fuck, the Warrior is that friend who will always step up to defend you whenever you are under attack, and her loyalty and courage should never be underestimated. Whether you are outnumbered during a P & C meeting, arguing with an overly-contoured Millennial at the Myer make-up counter or being bombarded by a bunch of assholes online, the warrior will be right there beside you; fending off blows, staging counter-attacks and offering moral support. This is the bitch you want to walk into battle with.

2. The Joker

Make no mistake, the more this friend takes the piss out of you, the more she likes you. The Joker can’t take anything seriously, and can make you piss your pants laughing with an unexpected zinger or a perfectly timed witticism. You wouldn’t go to her for an earnest discussion about a sinister looking vaginal lump if you were in need of comfort or moral support, but she’s you’re gal if you need to laugh yourself silly about it – in order not to cry. Every mum squad needs a piss-taker and chuckle-maker to lighten the mood, because life is too short to be taken seriously.

3. The Vault

The Vault is that unique individual you can trust with your life. You can tell her all of your deepest, darkest secrets, safe in the knowledge they will never end up in a group chat on Facebook after a bottle of Friday night bubbles. Not only is she 100% trustworthy, she is a fantastic listener too, and will happily absorb endless hours of whiny, self-pitying crap that would send a less awesome woman screaming for the drinks trolley. Remember that line from the X-Files? TRUST NO ONE. Well, fuck that and the intergalactic life form you rode in on, Fox Mulder. You haven’t met this bitch.

4. The Life of the Party

This mum is a firecracker in the shape of a woman, with bottles of wine and cheese platters in place of her arms. The Life of the Party is just that, and things never really seem to kick into gear until she arrives. Fun-loving, energetic and full of life, this natural extrovert can make even the most mundane gatherings seem like a shit tonne of fun. Dripping with charisma and personality, no mum squad is complete without this spark plug to liven things up. Oh, and speaking of social lives…. You probably don’t have much of one without her because she pretty much organises everything.

5. The Drama Queen

The much-maligned Drama Queen will make an indispensable addition to your squad. Yes, she makes everything about her and yes, she overreacts to just about everything and yes, her rambling anecdotes go on WAY too long, but life would be boring af without her, because who doesn’t enjoy bit of groin-tingling drama? Particularly if it’s someone else’s drama. And groin. Plus, she has all the best gossip, and she’s not afraid to share it. Just make sure you save all your secrets for The Vault, because this bitch has more leaks than the Trump administration.

6. The Truth Teller

Feeling fragile? Do not ask this woman “Does my butt look big in this?” or “Do you think my Tinder date is a twat-munching douche or future-husband material?” if you don’t want an honest answer. The Truth Teller is straight up at all times, and will not hesitate to hit you with an entire arsenal of truth bombs, no matter how much they hurt. She will always tell you the brutal truths you need to hear, and you need to see them for the acts of sisterly love they truly are. Don’t come to her for hand-holding and ego-stroking, because you might just get an existential punch in the face.

7. The Cheerleader

True to her name, The Cheerleader is that endlessly upbeat friend who finds the positives in everything and will support all of your brilliant schemes (and all of the stupid ones too, like that time you paid for 45 non-refundable Crossfit sessions at 5am in the morning). If you’re ever in need of moral support, the Cheerleader’s got your back. Well, more accurately she’ll be standing ON your back at the top of the pyramid, annoying the fuck out of everyone with her endless optimism and pep talks and pom poms – but you’ll love her for it.

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9 thoughts on “Seven Awesome Bitches You Need in Your Mum Squad

  1. Hugzy, hugzy, hugzy… too many wonderful one liners in this bad boy to pick out and quote as my favs – the whole post is my fav! We all know that one person with more leaks than the trump administration hey? But they are keepers anyway. ;-). Loved this post. Thanks for the chuckles and laugh out louds – I sure needed them. Xx

  2. I’m not a mum but, truth teller sounds pretty much like me. I’m lucky to have met an honest and interesting vault in the last few years who’s listening skills I have been trying my darndest to apply these past challenging weeks. Love the post xx

  3. When I look at my group of friends I see every one of these gals represented. My only problem is I’m not sure which one I am… hopefully that doesn’t make me the drama-queen (because we sure as heck already got one of those!). Generally, I’ve been known as The Guru within my circle of friends since high school, coz I’m bloody good at giving advice and seeing the big picture of everyone else’s life but my own! And I know a shitload of philosophical quotes!

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