Telstra’s Six-Point Plan for Not Being a Pack of Useless Twunts

Warning: This contains some rather colourful language. I haven’t been this annoyed with a business since I last went to ALDI and wrote “5 Ways You Know that ALDI Fucking Hates You”.


Dear Telstra,

Thank you for kindly upgrading our internet service from ADSL to ADSL 2, bringing us right up to speed with the technological wizardry of the early 2000s. Or, so I hear…. Ever since you “upgraded” our service four days ago we have had no internet access whatsoever, so forgive me for speculating.

In light of our interactions with your call centre over the past few days, I have some customer feedback. I apologise for the letter because, as mentioned before, the helpful service upgrade that we never requested in the first place has left us without any internet service at all, so I cannot submit this via your online portal.

Our household has just spent a combined fuckload of infuriating hours on the phone to your call centre this week, so I believe this makes us uniquely qualified to offer the following constructive commentary. We’re calling it “Telstra’s Six-Point Plan for Not Being a Pack of Useless Twunts”. We hope you take our feedback on board.

1.. Your service upgrades are bullshit 

We would urge your tech support teams to look up the dictionary meaning of the words “service” and “upgrade” before attempting one again in future. To summarise, it generally means an improvement to an existing circumstance, not the clusterfuck of sheer incompetence that represents our experience. I mean, at the bare minimum you would ideally continue offering the product that your customers are still paying you for.

2. Your troubleshooting scripts are bullshit

It’s great that you have scripts for handling complaints, but FFS, do every single one of your people need to ask if we’ve tried turning it on and off? Or whether we have the modem plugged in? And heaven forbid you have a problem that is not actually covered by their moribund little scripts, because you will be doomed to wander the fibre-optic labyrinth of their shitty call centre for the sad duration of your miserable life, bouncing from one useless department to the next. It’s a Guantanamo Bay-level mind-fuck that will slowly make you lose the will to live.

“What colour is the internet light now, ma’am?”

IT’S. FUCKING. RED. Just like the blood of the last call centre minion I killed.

3. Your escalation processes are bullshit

If you’ve ever been trapped on Telstra’s merry-go-round of useless call centre twunts you will know what I am talking about. You will go round and round in pointless circles having the exact same conversation with a bewildering variety of people who are all reading from the exact same shitty script and can do exactly nothing to help you. Several hours can pass and you’ll still get fucking nowhere, because no one can actually solve your problem. And, to add further insult to injury, there is never any means of escalating the issue – just endless frustration with no way out.

Jesus fuck, get some bloody middle managers you fucking dipshits.

4. Your call centre staff are bullshit

Telstra call centre staff are the worst cockblockers we’ve ever come across, with their rampant excuse-making and responsibility-flicking and promise-offering. Not to mention the long sessions on hold and the blatant “fuck off” transferring of our calls to a variety of team members who are no more authorised to help us than a phone-sex worker is authorised to give us financial planning advice. And the lies – oh the lies!

Day One: It will be back up in 2 – 3 hours.

Day Two: It will be back up in 24 – 48 hours.

Day Three: It says here on your file that you’re actually adopted.

Day Four: There’s no such thing as the internet.

5. Your reference numbers are bullshit

Your Customer Reference Number (CRN) system is a farce. My husband was issued with multiple reference numbers by multiple customer service representatives for the one single issue, which is mildly annoying. They are way too hard to keep track of, so in the interests of clarity I suggest they be replaced with Customer Reference Assistance Phrases (CRAP) instead. Examples: “Sorry Mate, We’ve Got No Fucking Idea” or “There’s No One Here Who Cares, Motherfucker”.

Oh and speaking of numbers, we’re not sure if it’s some sort of call centre in-joke, but every time someone gives us a phone number to call the complaints department back on it goes to some grinning fool in the sales department instead, who tries to upsell us more of your shitty Telstra products. ARE YOU JUST FUCKING WITH US NOW OR WHAT?!

6. Your service technicians are bullshit

Well, to be fair, it’s entirely possible that your service technicians are rather quite brilliant but neither one of them turned up in both of the 4-hour windows we were promised by those lying-ass motherfuckers in your call centre. A better solution would be to replace all of your non-existent local technicians with an offshore team that can fix hardware issues remotely, with homeopathy and crystal healing. I mean, it might not work but at least it’s something.

To summarise: You are a pack of lying, incompetent twunts.

Sort my fucking internet out.

Sincerely yours,

Another satisfied customer.


26 thoughts on “Telstra’s Six-Point Plan for Not Being a Pack of Useless Twunts

  1. This happened to me earlier in the year and after three months of an escalating bill for a service I didn’t have I called the Telecom Industry Ombudsman and it got sorted in 2 days and I got a refund! go figure!

  2. We had a shitefight with them earlier in the year and after three months of an increasing bill for a service that had gone to Optus I called the Telecom Industry Ombudsman and i got a call from an Aussie who sorted it in 2 days and I ended up with a refund! Go figure!

  3. Bahahahaha! Ooooh. A friend of mine has been without internet for 3.5 months due to a joint Telstra/NBN screw up. At one point Telstra tried to close her complaint because ‘There’s nothing further we can do for you.’ Ummm… how about ‘I still don’t have internet but I’m still paying you for a service I don’t have!’ Not exactly a resolution…

  4. We had the same and continue to have ongoing issues with Telstra and the NBN. It’s a crock of shit. Impossible to run a business when you largest means of communication is constantly interrupted. I’m feeling your pain.

  5. LOL! Yup – well aware of the Telstra shizz. Every time our internet goes down, (which is practically every 3 weeks if there’s a storm), I just about have a PANIC ATTACK over the inevitable Telstra callllllllllssssss I must make.
    The thing that pisses me off most, is how they manage to CUT YOU OFF constantly so that you need to call them back 16 times, to talk to 36 people who continue to tell you that you’re with the wrong department. Then, ‘please hold while I transfer your call’… followed by the dial tone because they’ve cut you off the 17th friggin time!
    Shitty company, great post!

  6. GAH! That’s the worst!! Let me tell you a short story about how I hated Telstra so much at our old house that I cancelled our internet with them. They then billed me once a month (with a paper bill sent through snail mail) for 25c until we moved houses. It cost more for them to send the bill. I still don’t even know what the 25c was even for. Twunts, indeed.

  7. Pretty sure there’s an old Australian proverb that sums up your situation perfectly. It goes a little something like this…
    “Fucking Telstra” – every Australian, ever.

  8. Twunt, you’re a genius. Unfortunately the TWUNT’S at telstra will think that’s your name, Ms Twunt, no doubt about it. I cant write anything further because I will be sure to self combust. It is nothing but pure agony.

  9. I’m going to get right in on the swearing just for you.

    What a shitful week!

    Hope you get your service up and running, it’s kind of necessary in your line of work.

  10. Oh yes, the incompetence and general lack of anything that remotely resembles service never ceases to amaze me. #teamIBOT

  11. We should get drunk over our Telstra blues!!! Although, I’m feeling a little optimistic. Word is I can crank my 30mg to 80mg for similar price we’re being robbed of. We need new phone upgrades so we plan on visiting a Telstra store soon – all guns blazing!! (We’re thinking the 3 hr drive to speak to a REAL person is far better than 3 hr runaround on the phone!!) wtf is with those call back links! They’re never there when you need them. Do they get a bonus if you do connect with then? Ridicules!!!

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