Warning: This contains some rather colourful language. I haven’t been this annoyed with a business since I last went to ALDI and wrote “5 Ways You Know that ALDI Fucking Hates You”.
Thank you for kindly upgrading our internet service from ADSL to ADSL 2, bringing us right up to speed with the technological wizardry of the early 2000s. Or, so I hear…. Ever since you “upgraded” our service four days ago we have had no internet access whatsoever, so forgive me for speculating.
In light of our interactions with your call centre over the past few days, I have some customer feedback. I apologise for the letter because, as mentioned before, the helpful service upgrade that we never requested in the first place has left us without any internet service at all, so I cannot submit this via your online portal.
Our household has just spent a combined fuckload of infuriating hours on the phone to your call centre this week, so I believe this makes us uniquely qualified to offer the following constructive commentary. We’re calling it “Telstra’s Six-Point Plan for Not Being a Pack of Useless Twunts”. We hope you take our feedback on board.
1.. Your service upgrades are bullshit
We would urge your tech support teams to look up the dictionary meaning of the words “service” and “upgrade” before attempting one again in future. To summarise, it generally means an improvement to an existing circumstance, not the clusterfuck of sheer incompetence that represents our experience. I mean, at the bare minimum you would ideally continue offering the product that your customers are still paying you for.
2. Your troubleshooting scripts are bullshit
It’s great that you have scripts for handling complaints, but FFS, do every single one of your people need to ask if we’ve tried turning it on and off? Or whether we have the modem plugged in? And heaven forbid you have a problem that is not actually covered by their moribund little scripts, because you will be doomed to wander the fibre-optic labyrinth of their shitty call centre for the sad duration of your miserable life, bouncing from one useless department to the next. It’s a Guantanamo Bay-level mind-fuck that will slowly make you lose the will to live.
“What colour is the internet light now, ma’am?”
IT’S. FUCKING. RED. Just like the blood of the last call centre minion I killed.
3. Your escalation processes are bullshit
If you’ve ever been trapped on Telstra’s merry-go-round of useless call centre twunts you will know what I am talking about. You will go round and round in pointless circles having the exact same conversation with a bewildering variety of people who are all reading from the exact same shitty script and can do exactly nothing to help you. Several hours can pass and you’ll still get fucking nowhere, because no one can actually solve your problem. And, to add further insult to injury, there is never any means of escalating the issue – just endless frustration with no way out.
Jesus fuck, get some bloody middle managers you fucking dipshits.
4. Your call centre staff are bullshit
Telstra call centre staff are the worst cockblockers we’ve ever come across, with their rampant excuse-making and responsibility-flicking and promise-offering. Not to mention the long sessions on hold and the blatant “fuck off” transferring of our calls to a variety of team members who are no more authorised to help us than a phone-sex worker is authorised to give us financial planning advice. And the lies – oh the lies!
Day One: It will be back up in 2 – 3 hours.
Day Two: It will be back up in 24 – 48 hours.
Day Three: It says here on your file that you’re actually adopted.
Day Four: There’s no such thing as the internet.
5. Your reference numbers are bullshit
Your Customer Reference Number (CRN) system is a farce. My husband was issued with multiple reference numbers by multiple customer service representatives for the one single issue, which is mildly annoying. They are way too hard to keep track of, so in the interests of clarity I suggest they be replaced with Customer Reference Assistance Phrases (CRAP) instead. Examples: “Sorry Mate, We’ve Got No Fucking Idea” or “There’s No One Here Who Cares, Motherfucker”.
Oh and speaking of numbers, we’re not sure if it’s some sort of call centre in-joke, but every time someone gives us a phone number to call the complaints department back on it goes to some grinning fool in the sales department instead, who tries to upsell us more of your shitty Telstra products. ARE YOU JUST FUCKING WITH US NOW OR WHAT?!
6. Your service technicians are bullshit
Well, to be fair, it’s entirely possible that your service technicians are rather quite brilliant but neither one of them turned up in both of the 4-hour windows we were promised by those lying-ass motherfuckers in your call centre. A better solution would be to replace all of your non-existent local technicians with an offshore team that can fix hardware issues remotely, with homeopathy and crystal healing. I mean, it might not work but at least it’s something.
To summarise: You are a pack of lying, incompetent twunts.
Sort my fucking internet out.
Another satisfied customer.