Your Facebook addiction didn’t just happen overnight: whether you realise it or not, this is something you’ve worked really hard to achieve so you should be proud of yourself. You chose procrastination. You chose mindless scrolling. You chose “Words with Friends” over hanging out with your actual friends. You chose to spend all of those precious moments away from your actual lived reality.
Well done! It can be hard to maintain your Facebook addiction in light of all those annoying demands from people in the non-virtual world who think they own you – like the bosses and the children and the daycare centre staff who expect the bare minimum of your attention on a semi-regular basis. Fuck that.
These five tips will help you become more effective at avoiding the real world, because the real world sucks – I mean, it doesn’t even have a “like” button.
Habit # 1: Curate a large number of pointless interests
Highly-effective Facebook addicts have curated the perfect balance of useful information and utterly pointless content that sees them scrolling aimlessly all day. You can do this too, by filling up your feed with petty diversions: Doomsday preppers. Low carbers. Thermomix weirdos. Middle aged accountants who like cats. Sad Keanu memes. Men who are sexually attracted to women in drop crotch pants. Satanists performing covers of Yo Gabba Gabba songs.
If you are struggling to curate the sheer amount of utter shit required to keep you online for hours, pages like Buzzfeed and Mamamia can do it for you, with their endless shart-stream of pointless clickbait. Alternately, you can follow a whole bunch of pages with inane quizzes like “Which Butt Plug Best Describes Your Personality?” or “How Many of These Celebrity Sex Tapes Do You Remember?” Endless hours of time-sucking fun.
Habit # 2: Surreptitiously stalk all of your ex-partners
Nothing says “What the fuck just happened to the last three hours of my life?” quite like a good session scrolling through an entire decade’s worth of your ex-boyfriend’s timeline on Facebook. Just stay away from photo albums with titles like “Getting My Cock Wet in Europe – Summer 2016” or “Soppy Eye-Gazing Selfies with My New Soul Mate”. Ten years later is still too soon.
Habit # 3: Indulge your favourite hate reads
We all have our guilty pleasures on Facebook, and for some that means indulging our favourite hate reads. For me it’s Party Mums, the delusional anti-science ramblings of David Avocado Wolfe and a handful of select mummy bloggers that give me the irrits. For others it might be Paleo Pete, Freelee the Banana Girl or Donald Trump. Hate reads are those online trainwrecks that you can’t look away from, because they fascinate and repulse you in equal measure.
I love a good humblebrag in the Party Mums group, a 50 000-strong throng of suburban women who are obsessed with throwing ever more outlandish parties. Let me set the scene: woman posts picture of perfect drip cake that could have been shat from the bowels of Adriano Zumbo himself, wails that it’s terrible and then goes fishing for compliments from internet randos. Bitch please, have you seen MY fucking cakes? They look and taste like ACTUAL ANUS. Get some perspective.
(Yes, this is an actual cake I made. When I said ANUS I wasn’t joking…)
Habit # 4: Get your daily dose of soap opera
Who needs “Days of Our Lives” when we have a 24/7 virtual live stream of real life soap opera at our fingertips, courtesy of the drama queens in our newsfeeds. I don’t know about you, but I love the vicarious thrill of getting caught up in the whirlwind of other people’s petty dramas, safe in the knowledge that my own cushy suburban life is boring af and competely devoid of anything in the way of existential angst. The time-wasting potential is top-shelf, and there are enough cliffhangers and plot twists to keep you hooked on a daily basis. It’s very cathartic.
Vaguebookers and dramalamas: I salute you oversharing motherfuckers.
Habit # 5: Read the comments on contentious news stories
A wise Ancient Roman scholar – I think it was Marcus Aurelius – once wrote….
“Ne legere comment canis femina”
Translation: Don’t read the comments, bitches.
(don’t bother fact-checking I can personally vouch that this statement has been pulled directly out of my lying arse via Google’s translation algorithm).
Facebook addicts are the brave warriors of social media, willing to wade into the chaos of the comments section without a moment of hesitation. Nothing will sap your time, your strength and your faith in humanity quite like a lively Daily Telegraph comment thread about climate change or the Sydney property market.
If you really want to nurture your Facebook addiction you will need to throw caution to the wind and throw your device out the window multiple times a day, because you will get overwhelmed by the tsunami of stupidity that is social media. This is what it takes to succeed. That, and a good quality phone cover.
As another wise mater-blogger once wrote; “exire atque operam, qui amiserint”.
Go forth and waste your time, losers. Blessed be.