“What the Fuck is This?” and Other Frequently Asked Questions About Fidget Spinners

 

ETA Just wanted to clarify that I know these are a great therapeutic resource for some children and of course I would never make fun of that. I am talking about the way fidget spinners have been co-opted as a wider fad by kids like mine who use them as toys. And as tools to annoy me.

Fidget spinners are the latest fad in the schoolyard, and this strange new craze has been met with bemusement, irritation and utter confusion from parents and teachers alike. If you have any questions about fidget spinners – and fuck knows we ALL do – read on and rest assured that you are not alone.

Here are some of the most frequently asked questions about fidget spinners.

1.. What the fuck are fidget spinners?

Unless you have been living under a rock (and if you have, PLEASE invite me to live with you under your lovely rock I will bring beer I promise), you will know what fidget spinners are.

For the blissfully unaware among us I will briefly explain what they are: fidget spinners are, errrrm… colourful plastic and metal things that spin around in a circle. You hold them in your hand and they, errrrm… rotate.

Clockwise, counterclockwise, you name it – these little marvels can do anything!

2. Yes, but what the fuck do they actually DO? 

Who CARES, man?! These things are FUN!!

Here are a bunch of things that you can do with fidget spinners.

You can lose them. Use them to hurt people. Annoy your teachers. Fight with your siblings. Scratch the furniture. Scuff the floorboards. Pester your parents to buy more of them. Choke on the small parts they contain.

The fun just never stops! 

Actual answer: My kid has had these for several weeks now and I’m still not entirely sure what they actually do. They spin. They get lost in the playground. They irritiate the shit out of parents and teachers. They seem to multiply somehow. That basically sums it up.

3. Where can you get them from?

I am one of those asshole parents who decided very early on that we were going to ride this silly craze out without enabling it, and I was determined that my family was going to remain fidget spinner-free despite all of the collective euphoria around this bullshit fad.

Plus, my child was going to be above such inane nonsense anyway.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHA. Whatevs.

Several weeks after smugly tutting at every article about fidget spinners I read online (HAHAH SUCKED IN SUCKERS) my seven year old came home with his very first fidget, which a friend of his had kindly given to him at school (FUCKITY FUCK). My kid wasn’t above ANY of this. He was just a late-adopter.

It was like a local drug dealer handing out free samples of meth. My son was instantly hooked: suddenly he was never seen without his fidget spinner and he kept begging me for more. When I asked WHY he needed more of them, he couldn’t tell me. He just WANTED MORE. This shit is hardcore.

Two weeks later he somehow managed to come home with another fidget spinner from school, and this time it was one of the fancy silver ones I would never have considered purchasing myself (I mean, I might be a $3 from The Reject Shop kind of sucker but I am not that kind of platinum-level sucker).

This was getting serious. Was my son hustling other kids in the playground for his fidget spinner hit? Is there a black market trade for illicit fidget spinners happening at recess? Was he stealing to support his habit? Where were these fucking things coming from FFS!?

All of these questions remain unanswered…

And now my five year old wants them, but he doesn’t know why.

This is how the cycle continues.

4. I mean, I’ve read all of this but I still don’t get it.

I don’t get it either.

This article is kind of unhelpful, I do realise that.

5. Why the fuck can’t I put it down? 

The biggest mystery of all is why these bloody things are so damn mesmerising. I am 40 years old, which means that I am a *smidgin* outside of the intended target market for fidget spinners *coughs*, but do you know what happens when I pick one of the blasted things up?

I CAN’T STOP PLAYING WITH IT. I CAN’T PUT IT DOWN. I CAN’T HELP MYSELF.

Do I have an explanation for that? No.

This is why fidget spinners get added to that long and illustrious list of strange things that people enjoy for no apparent reason, like seaweed wraps and segways and Nutella donuts and the music of Nickelback. It’s weird and it’s wrong but people just can’t help themselves.

6. No, really… Why are they so popular? Help me understand this.

Dude, chill. Give it five more minutes and the kids at school will be onto the next incomprehensible and undoubtedly annoying new fad anyway. Cheers!

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23 thoughts on ““What the Fuck is This?” and Other Frequently Asked Questions About Fidget Spinners

  1. I am a special ed teaching assistant, and I despise those damn things! 😉 They do NOTHING but distract at school. I do not buy any of the bullshit about fidget spinners OR fidget cubes being good for students with ADD or ADHD. Just my two cents about that 🙂 THAT being said, guess who brought my 9 year old a fidget spinner????? HIS FATHER!!!! LOL I came home one day and The Baby had the damn fidget spinner. I asked where in the hell he had gotten it, and he said “Dad brought it to me–and he got me a cube!” My husband is a banker and has to go to lots of things for work that involve gadgets…He had been lucky enough to attend one with these damn things. I forbid The Baby to take them to school and I try to hide them every chance I get 😉

    • Oh we have one of the cubes as well! LOL. Nowhere near as interesting as the spinners but way less annoying because they aren’t used in spinning games all over my furniture.

  2. My son had a birthday while the craze was in full swing and now he has 3. I feel like the novelty is wearing off a bit though.

  3. I first saw these in the UK when a family friend and her son came over. I just didn’t get the fascination, he could literally not put it down and when he did, and let me try, it turned out I suck at spinning. It was like a 5 second wonder for me. But once I saw that first spinner, it seems like they’re everywhere! I even saw a fidget spinner birthday cake yesterday – your next project maybe?!

  4. I thought my kids were too worldly to fall into their gimmicky trap, but reality is a bitch and they are obsessed. But the fascination is beyond my comprehension. They tried to get me to play with one and I was bored in a nanosecond. They drive me so batty with their uselessness that I want to kill them with fire, bury them and dance on their grave!

  5. Like you we resisted temptation, but kids. These things are like fucking guinea pigs, and multiply without you even looking. That said, the builder and I both enjoy a good spin. This is one craze that I’m happy to share with the kids 🙂

  6. Haha. I just recently wrote a post on 6 different uses for Fidget Spinners. One mum uses it to time her kid brush his teeth. She timed the spinner and it spins for 2 minutes. So she doesn’t get him to stop brushing until the spinner stops. I think that’s pretty clever. I also read that adults have used them for personal use but have got them stuck or have had them cut off their major… part. I don’t get the craze. My three year old and four year has one. My oldest couldn’t care less about them. It’s all about pokemon cards at the moment.

  7. Was speaking to my nephew about these a couple of weeks ago. He then proceeded to tell me a story about one that took out someone’s eye! I’m glad I don’t have to deal with crazes yet haha

  8. Gah I HAAAATE fidget spinners and like you, solemnly swore I would not ‘waste’money on one. Then they found one at the park. Then they bought one with their money. Now they’re all through the house. Handball is the next phase at our school and I’m now being pestered for bouncy hand balls. If you find that rock can I come live under it too? I can bring a heap of used and previously loved fidget spinners.

  9. I got sucked in. I bought one…for me! Thinking it would help me ease the angst in my current health situation. Nope. It just spins on my finger. I need more than that… oh well, I made someone’s day because I paid $10! But it IS a rainbow one. Pretty.

  10. I’ve bought my six year old one. She lost it. Bought her another one. She lost it. She’s asking for another one. I’ve put my foot down. No more fidget spinners!!
    Afterthought: Perhaps she’s selling them on the black market at school ..

  11. I have banned these ridiculous things in my classroom, which is full of the exact target audience of 9-10 year olds.
    “Oh, but they’re to help us concentrate!!!” my students tell me.
    “Rubbish,” I say, “they just distract you and everyone else and then no one listens”.
    Bag or locker is where they live. I don’t have toys in my classroom, these silly things included. I have held one and I don’t get it. My own kids are old enough to be beyond the craze as well, thank goodness. Still, someone is getting rich out of it.

  12. Your headline spoke to my soul. W T F indeed. I’m a teacher and a parent and I can’t stand these ridiculous pieces of future landfill! But, alas, my sons both have one. 😖

  13. My kids have taken it to the next level and try to “bottle flip” their fidget spinners. Bet the teachers are hoping they are over by the time school goes back.

  14. Lol…I have a couple of clients that use a fidget spinner. The OTs at work say there is no real evidence for it so I have no idea why it’s being used so much. It’s just the current hype I suppose; it’ll fade

  15. I forked out $12 for the National Geographic one using the logic it would be less likely to break and we wouldn’t have tears about needing a replacement and the little fucker barely uses it!!!

  16. My boys just got one on the weekend from a girlfriend of mine – super cool! Although they now wanna take them to school – nooo! They’ll lose it and whinge! Where do you buy these from anyway? Never seen them in the shops.

  17. Here I was all smug on my “my kids don’t have fidget spinners” perch and then bam! I had a birthday and thought bought me one (which means they bought it for themselves!) and I totally get you on point number 5. It’s so weird. I will say, I think the thing they are best for is saving my husband’s fingernails while he watches the footy… he bites his nails when he gets nervous, so if it wasn’t for the fidget spinners he would have no fingers left after the Blues last game and then the Panthers on the weekend just gone! So there’s one thing they do!

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