ETA Just wanted to clarify that I know these are a great therapeutic resource for some children and of course I would never make fun of that. I am talking about the way fidget spinners have been co-opted as a wider fad by kids like mine who use them as toys. And as tools to annoy me.
Fidget spinners are the latest fad in the schoolyard, and this strange new craze has been met with bemusement, irritation and utter confusion from parents and teachers alike. If you have any questions about fidget spinners – and fuck knows we ALL do – read on and rest assured that you are not alone.
Here are some of the most frequently asked questions about fidget spinners.
1.. What the fuck are fidget spinners?
Unless you have been living under a rock (and if you have, PLEASE invite me to live with you under your lovely rock I will bring beer I promise), you will know what fidget spinners are.
For the blissfully unaware among us I will briefly explain what they are: fidget spinners are, errrrm… colourful plastic and metal things that spin around in a circle. You hold them in your hand and they, errrrm… rotate.
Clockwise, counterclockwise, you name it – these little marvels can do anything!
2. Yes, but what the fuck do they actually DO?
Who CARES, man?! These things are FUN!!
Here are a bunch of things that you can do with fidget spinners.
You can lose them. Use them to hurt people. Annoy your teachers. Fight with your siblings. Scratch the furniture. Scuff the floorboards. Pester your parents to buy more of them. Choke on the small parts they contain.
The fun just never stops!
Actual answer: My kid has had these for several weeks now and I’m still not entirely sure what they actually do. They spin. They get lost in the playground. They irritiate the shit out of parents and teachers. They seem to multiply somehow. That basically sums it up.
3. Where can you get them from?
I am one of those asshole parents who decided very early on that we were going to ride this silly craze out without enabling it, and I was determined that my family was going to remain fidget spinner-free despite all of the collective euphoria around this bullshit fad.
Plus, my child was going to be above such inane nonsense anyway.
Several weeks after smugly tutting at every article about fidget spinners I read online (HAHAH SUCKED IN SUCKERS) my seven year old came home with his very first fidget, which a friend of his had kindly given to him at school (FUCKITY FUCK). My kid wasn’t above ANY of this. He was just a late-adopter.
It was like a local drug dealer handing out free samples of meth. My son was instantly hooked: suddenly he was never seen without his fidget spinner and he kept begging me for more. When I asked WHY he needed more of them, he couldn’t tell me. He just WANTED MORE. This shit is hardcore.
Two weeks later he somehow managed to come home with another fidget spinner from school, and this time it was one of the fancy silver ones I would never have considered purchasing myself (I mean, I might be a $3 from The Reject Shop kind of sucker but I am not that kind of platinum-level sucker).
This was getting serious. Was my son hustling other kids in the playground for his fidget spinner hit? Is there a black market trade for illicit fidget spinners happening at recess? Was he stealing to support his habit? Where were these fucking things coming from FFS!?
All of these questions remain unanswered…
And now my five year old wants them, but he doesn’t know why.
This is how the cycle continues.
4. I mean, I’ve read all of this but I still don’t get it.
I don’t get it either.
This article is kind of unhelpful, I do realise that.
5. Why the fuck can’t I put it down?
The biggest mystery of all is why these bloody things are so damn mesmerising. I am 40 years old, which means that I am a *smidgin* outside of the intended target market for fidget spinners *coughs*, but do you know what happens when I pick one of the blasted things up?
I CAN’T STOP PLAYING WITH IT. I CAN’T PUT IT DOWN. I CAN’T HELP MYSELF.
Do I have an explanation for that? No.
This is why fidget spinners get added to that long and illustrious list of strange things that people enjoy for no apparent reason, like seaweed wraps and segways and Nutella donuts and the music of Nickelback. It’s weird and it’s wrong but people just can’t help themselves.
6. No, really… Why are they so popular? Help me understand this.
Dude, chill. Give it five more minutes and the kids at school will be onto the next incomprehensible and undoubtedly annoying new fad anyway. Cheers!