The Mummy Wars are FAKE NEWS. Women Got Your Back.

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Disclaimer: I swear. You’ve been warned. Cheers.

Those bitches are waiting to take you down. You know who they are. They skulk around the school gates in their three-quarter pants and their ballet flats and their army of mid-priced family SUVs. They huddle in cloistered groups, indiscriminately spewing poison darts of judgement like Lady Gaga shoots fireworks out of her pyrotechnic bra. The hate is palpable. They are the enemy.

This is not a Michael Bay film.

This is the Mummy Wars, and the battle lines have been drawn.

Except they aren’t. YAWN.

 ****

I’ve had it with this shit. I’m tired of the manufactured drama, and I’m here to call it out. The Mummy Wars is nothing more than a bullshit myth created by the media, embraced by traffic-hungry editors and perpetuated by dumb-as-fuck clickbait headlines. It’s FAKE NEWS from media outlets who pretend to advocate for women while ruthlessly tearing them down with the sort of sadistic glee that makes Ramsay Bolton look like Oprah Winfrey.

Given the hyperbole with which parenting stories are reported, the media want you believe that Logan’s Mum will happily garotte you in the playground once your back is turned, because your skepticism about amber teething necklaces is at odds with her belief that they infuse ancient eons of fossilised goodness directly to the pain synapses in the infant brain. Or something. Who the fuck knows, it’s all bullshit.

Sorry Logan’s Mum.

Here’s the rub. Differing in the way we parent our kids isn’t an outright declaration of war, and this ridiculous idea that women are poised to gleefully tear each other down at every opportunity is in stark contrast to my actual lived experience. The reality is, women are the FIRST people to step up and offer practical and emotional support to other women when they send up their “shit I need help” emergency signal flares.

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BUT WHAT ABOUT ALL THE ARGUES ON THE INTERNET?!

What about the time that random sanctimummy said mean things to me on Facebook because I sent my kid to school with an insulated lunch bag instead of a limited edition Yumbox!? I mean, it had fucking Elsa on the front. How rude!

WOMEN ARE THEIR OWN WORST ENEMIES!! WAAAAAH!

Yeah, nah.

Pointing to social media as evidence that The Mummy Wars is an actual thing is as stupid as pointing to David Avocado Wolfe’s Facebook page for evidence that the Illuminati is real and they are poisoning our water supply with toxic levels of dihydrogen monoxide in order to enact Beta 6 Global Mind Control and “hey buy these crystal salt lamps for only $59.99 on my website – comes with free tin foil!”

The internet can’t be used to gauge the quality of our interpersonal relationships because it became popular for pointless conflict, the same way that hand-held massagers became popular as masturbation devices. The inventors never planned it that way. It just happened. Human beings are enigmatic creatures.

Not sure where I’m going with that masturbation nonsense? Me either. Let’s pretend that paragraph never happened and move on to a real life example of what #mummysquadgoals looks like in action:

A good friend of mine is having an incredibly bad run of late. Without going into detail, she’s having the sort of epic bad luck that would have Chuck Norris pooping his pants and attempting to abseil back up his ageing mother’s birth canal. To add literal insult to injury, the other day she was the victim of a hit and run accident with a truck driver that left her with a cracked rib.

She works in party-planning and needed to inflate 1000 balloons for a client, which is kind of hard to do when some asshole hits your car and cracks your rib. I watched as she put out a call for help on Facebook, and within minutes an enthusiastic posse of women had replied with offers of help. Later that night five of us sat around drinking Bacardi and blowing up balloons, because that’s what bitches do when shit goes down.

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This is not an isolated event. It happens every day in every way, across thousands of sprawling micro-communities of engaged mums:

The ones helping at the school working bee and baking for the cake stall.

The ones cooking meals for new mums who are suffering from PND.

The ones putting together care packages for women undergoing chemo.

The ones picking your kids up from school when your car breaks down.

The ones who offer to babysit for you when work calls at the last minute.

The ones delivering wine and chocolate when things are catastrophically shit.

The ones who come over for back-up when a rogue lace monitor has torn apart your daughters’s chicken and is holding your family hostage at the front door.

(Real life example from my friend with the biblical-level bad karma. I mean, have you ever SEEN one of those fucking things? They eat small children FFS)

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Don’t be fooled – The Mummy Wars are FAKE NEWS. It’s outrage fodder for internet clicks and masturbation material for anonymous sanctimummies who have taken up online trolling as a form of cardio.

So yeah, fuck all that. Hard-working, time-poor mothers are the first people to step up and offer their support in the real world, and I am incredibly grateful for my kick-ass mummy friends because I know that they’ve always got my back (and if one of those kind mummy friends would kindly step up and punch me in the face for using the phrase “mummy friends” right now I’d greatly appreciate it).

Long story short? Don’t buy into the bullshit.

We’re allies, not enemies. And together we’re fucking fierce.

 

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39 thoughts on “The Mummy Wars are FAKE NEWS. Women Got Your Back.

  1. So I’ve been at this motherhood gig now for close to ten years and I have experienced only one comment from another woman that I found judgemental. ( It was re my choice of High School). So that’s a pretty low rate of mummy warring.
    Glad the blog is back!

  2. I could write a small sitcom on the goings on from one school we attended in NSW. I wouldn’t call it mummy wars, more like desperate mothers. Headed up by the school principal’s wife and her daughter who was in my eldest daughter’s year.

    I was told on day two of arriving at the school, that I was the wrong shape/size (sz 12) and drove the wrong car (not a 4WD). My (below average sized) 10 year old daughter was told to go on a diet in her first week. Being new to the school and the area, we invited the entire class to her birthday a month later. Only one child, another out of place newbie showed up. True story & probably one I shouldn’t be sharing online?

  3. SO true! I’ve written about this myself, but can never put things quite as eloquently as you: “It’s outrage fodder for internet clicks and masturbation material for anonymous sanctimummies who have taken up online trolling as a form of cardio.” Hilarious, and accurate. Well, the online cardio trolling part. Not sure about the masturbation part 🙂

  4. Yay for seeing you blog again..and on this helpful topic. Go women who help other women. Those who put others down are fraidy cats. I so hope your parents are Ok-ish. Not wonderful news AT ALL.

  5. I’ve never experienced this sort of crap either, thank goodness. IRL people are nice and most of the time online people are nice too. Honestly, who has time to war with others when you’re busy parenting anyway? Welcome back my friend x

  6. I have definitely seen some very nasty Mummy wars going on, especially at our old school, vicious and you wonder who is actually the school kid, the child or the mothers? You are lucky, it’s ugly but luckily you are right on the whole, women have got your back we are all in it together and the support network is wonderful, as it should be!

  7. Woot! Hellz yes! There is always going to be one bitch in a community just like there always has been forever and ever. But that one bitch isn’t the community of women that help out, that stand up when they see or hear a plea for help or use their instinct to know when another mother is in need of simply a bloody good night out!

  8. Yes, Yes and YES! My friends are the first ones to pick up if I’m struggling with something, offer help or just be there when I need them. While the whole school thing is still relatively new for us (3 weeks in) the Mums I’ve met have all been eager to help each other out and chat, important when we have to get to the school at LEAST 45 mins before the end of the day to get a bloody park!?!

  9. i am so glad i have never been to war (although cliques can be painful). Once i finally found my tribe i understood the whole mom sisterhood thing (not quite sister wives but close lol) -we totally make the phone calls needing kids picked up or food or babysitting or wine! every call for help is matched many-fold with offers of “whatever i can do”

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