Disclaimer: Every time I do a post like this I get a bunch of “Waaaaaahhh, stop inciting the Mummy Wars” type responses. So please, let me clarify a few things… My depiction of these stereotypes is deliberately and extremely ludicrous (it’s actually a comic device called hyperbole, if you want to get technical. Yeah I know, don’t fucking flatter yourself, Hugzilla).
I am all about taking the piss out of stereotypes because – let’s face it – human beings are not the one-dimensional creatures they portray as us. There is power in taking back these stereotypes and revealing them for the ridiculous caricatures that they are. Their power to hurt us is diminished when we can laugh at them – and at ourselves. That is my aim here. I’m not being a dick just for the sake of it.
Happy Halloween, mofos! If you’re like me, you’re probably a little bit weary of the same old boring costumes this year: Sexy Witch, Sexy Cat, Sexy Devil, Sexy Down Pipe, Sexy Life Insurance Actuary and whatnot. The only terrifying thing about them is their predictability.
You know what’s really scary? Mums. Mums are some of the scariest motherfuckers I have ever come across. In honour of that, here are seven of the best “Scary Mum” costumes for Halloween this year:
1.. The Scary School Gate Mum
They skulk around the school gates trying to sniff out all the juicy gossip and give you the snarling side-eye every time you try to skip out on school working bees or market stalls. She runs the P&C committee with an iron fist and a flair for political intrigue that makes the scheming motherfucker from “House of Cards” look like Emma from The Wiggles. Despite dressing in the harmless uniform of an everyday suburban mum, this is someone you do not want to fuck with.
Weapon of choice: A back pack filled with large stones and the head of the last school mum that crossed her.
2. The Newborn Zombie Mum
The matted hair, vacant stare and unwashed attire of the Newborn Zombie Mum are a dead giveaway. This woman has a newborn baby, and her life involves shuffling listlessly back and forth between the cot and the change table for days on end, with little or no memory of what her previous life was like. Her costume? Days-old clothing covered in shit, piss, blood, vomit and a variety of other unidentified bodily fluids.
Weapon of choice: None. She lurches around aimlessly and occasionally falls face-first into something that resembles food.
3. The Slummy Mummy
The Slummy Mummy wipes her arse with the “Perfect Parenting Handbook”, kicking back for a bottle of wine as her children run wild. She wears the disdain of the general public with pride, and gives zero fucks to judgemental strangers. They care not for Pinterest-Perfect meals, housekeeping or craft activities, preferring instead to let their kids terrorise local toddlers at the park while they play Candy Crush on their phone. The little assholes need to run off some energy and that kid had it coming to him anyway.
Weapon of choice: An empty bottle of ALDI’s finest $5 wine and an army of feral friends who will step-up at the first sniff of a scrag fight.
4. The Yummy Mummy
Stepping out in overpriced size-8 activewear, the Yummy Mummy is easy to spot. She wears her gym gear to work out, naturally, but she also wears it to school pick up, coffee dates, parent teacher nights, waxing parlours, Tupperwear parties and Tinder hook-ups with ex-personal trainers. Her entire attire screams its svelte superiority at you in blinding fluoro spandex: “I work my biceps while I’m squeezing avocados at the supermarket – what’s YOUR excuse, motherfucker?”
Weapon of choice: A pilates ring wrapped in barbed-wire and a Fitbit that shoots lasers at people who haven’t done their 10 000 steps yet.
5. The Livid Low-Carb Mum
Low-carb mums are the Fun-Police of festive events, because nothing spells “fuck yeah let’s party!” like sugar. The Livid Low-Carb Mum despises Halloween, because it stands for everything she hates: truckloads of food filled with carbs, calories and carcinogenic food colourings. She can be seen chasing Trick or Treaters down the street, screaming “DON’T GIVE MY KID ALL THE SUGARZZZZZ!”, running with the sort of feverish endurance that only someone in long-term ketosis could ever muster.
Weapon of choice: The hardback version of Sarah Wilson’s “I Quit Sugar”, which she uses to bludgeon erratic partygoers who are hepped-up on fructose.
6. The Mummy-War Keyboard Warrior
Words are her weapons and anonymity is her costume. The Mummy-War Keyboard Warrior has a very vocal online presence, which she uses to channel all her fears, failures and frustrations into misdirected rage that is hurled at other mothers from behind the safety of her computer screen. Her costume? Access to the internet and deep feelings inadequacy. It’s kind of hard to accessorise, so you could always just stick with the traditional troll outfit.
Weapon of Choice: Nasty words and angry-face emojis. She seems scary but she’s actually pretty harmless because she is a coward in real life.
7. The Wicked Witch of Witchery
This wicked bitch looks kick-ass at all times, and you know that must involve some epic-level sorcery because you can barely get out of the house in anything more than a pair of grey trackies and a bum bag. The Wicked Witch of Witchery is always on-trend, accessorised to shizz and perfectly made up; an everyday style goddess who just rocks up at the school gate like it ain’t no thang. If she is the Hermoine Granger of style, you are the Neville Longbottom.
Weapon of choice: Her effortless sense of style and its ability to make everyone around her feel ugly and inferior.