Faux-News Stories that Nobody Gives a Fuck About this Week

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In the race to the bottom of news and current affairs reporting, one website rises to the top, like a floating turd that refuses to flush – News.com.au. Welcome to another weekly wrap up of all the news that does not matter.

1.. News.com.au, reporting from the frontline of the “War On Boobs”

Actual headline: Caitlin Stasey posts more topless pictures after going to ‘war’ with Instagram

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News.com.au has strapped on the flak jacket to report from the frontline, after Instagram launched the latest attack in their “War On Boobs”. The victim this time is actress Caitlin Stasey, a recent target of their puritanical approach to female nudity. A number of Caitlin’s semi-naked pictures were removed from the social media platform recently, with dire implications for news reporting all around the globe.

If these attacks on boob-freedom continue, editors around the world will be forced to send their journalists out of the office in search of actual news stories, instead of trawling social media apps for celebrity nudes. The entire news landscape as we know it will be decimated.

Let it be known… News.com.au stands with liberated tits.

2. Wildly successful woman gets skinny. Has makeover. Finally smiles.

Actual headline: Slim Gina Rinehart’s ore-some new look

You know a story is truly repugnant if News.com.au won’t even cover it and links to one of their affiliates instead. The story? Australia’s richest and most successful business woman – the mining magnate Gina Rhinehart – has “slimmed down” and looks “ore-some”. Lulz to that award-winning punster (if Gina ever gets hold of you she will crush you and your puny little career like so much iron-ore).

She even managed “a big grin”, because women should always smile when they successfully coordinate their strappy sandals with their floral sun dress.

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According to the story she has lost 40 percent of her body weight in the last two years, a feat which is apparently more noteworthy than the fact she has recently partnered with a Chinese company to make a $365 million offer for the S. Kidman & Co cattle empire – a snippet that was tacked on to the bottom of the article as an afterthought.

Never mind all that. Keep smiling, Gina. You look so much prettier.

3. Editor faps furiously as two hot reality contestants reveal they are lesbians

Actual headline: Bachelor contestants Megan Marx and Tiffany Scanlon confirm they’re dating

Ever heard of Megan Marx and Tiffany Scanlan?

Nope. Me either.

BUT, they have just won News.com.au’s “Editorial Fapping Superfecta” by combining all the crucial elements of the perfect news story:

1) They are hot women

2) They are ex-contestants from The Bachelor

3) They post semi-naked pictures on Instagram

4) They are lesbians

Remember when the news used to be about things like fiscal policy, international politics or social issues that actually effect communities?

Nope. Me either.

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4. Geoffrey Edelsten dates mature-aged woman. Has functional long-term relationship.

Actual headline: Geoffrey Edelsten’s new girlfriend is a 26-year-old Playboy model 

BOOM! I just punk’d you punk-ass bitches. Now, THAT would be a newsworthy headline. Instead, News.com.au reports on the not-so-breaking news that the 73 year old Geoffrey Edelsten has traded in his busty, young, blonde ex-wife for – you guessed it – another busty, young, blonde. He has “found love”, they have “a lot in common”, there is “sensational chemistry” – and an entire factory-farm of squealing baby piglets just flew past your window, en route to the unicorn orgy over the rainbow.

5. Beauty contestant told to “stop eating” by Thai Donald Trump. Resists urge to tell that motherfucker to “stop breathing”, because her poise is on-point

Actual headline: Miss Iceland hits back after being told she’s too fat to take part in beauty pageant 

Step away from the knife draw, ladies, because things are going to get a little bit stabby around here. This week, Thailand’s version of Donald Trump told the impossibly goddess-like Miss Iceland that she was “too fat” to participate in his upcoming Miss Grand International beauty pageant.

He sent a memo stating that she should “stop eating breakfast, eat just salad for lunch and drink water every evening until the contest”.

In reply, Miss Iceland force-fed him súrir hrútspungar (sour ram’s testicles) to an ear-shredding soundtrack of Bjork’s “Army of Me” on perpetual loop, before shoving him into an active volcano and telling him to stick his stupid pageant up his butt-ugly arse*.

*Not strictly accurate, though she did quit the competition with all the poise and grace that one would expect from a beauty pageant contestant. Kudos, Arna.

Oh and bonus points to anyone who can point me in the direction of all this alleged “fat”. I’ll wait…

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6. Two disappointing wardrobe malfunctions that HAVE NO TITS INVOLVED

Actual headline: Britney Spears almost exposes her breasts during unfortunate wardrobe malfunction

Actual headline: Jesinta Campbell’s awkward wardrobe malfunction during Channel 9 interview

Wrapping up this week’s coverage with two “wardrobe malfunctions”, which has become a delightful media euphemism for “humiliating photo of female celebrity with an accidental tit, nip or vag flash”. They pretty much need their own sub-category on News.com.au, such is the voyeuristic glee with which they are reported.

This week featured two wardrobe malfunctions that News.com.au deemed newsworthy:

1) Britney Spears top came undone during her concert

2) Jesinta Campbell wore a top on TV that made her look naked

The shock twist is that neither of the women actually revealed anything inappropriate (you can almost hear the entire News.com.au team sighing their collective disappointment), so apparently “Woman Almost Exposes Breasts” is now considered a legitimate news story.

I mean, it’s bad enough that women’s boobs are even considered newsworthy in the first place, but c’mon News.com.au – trying to sell “almost boobs” as news is really taking the piss now. Go fuck yourself.

******

And, so we end where we began… Tits.

See you same time next week, news connoisseurs.

By the way, if you missed the last couple of installments they are here:

Six News Stories that Made Me Dumber For Having Read Them

The Stupid News Stories That Nobody Gives a Shit About

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13 thoughts on “Faux-News Stories that Nobody Gives a Fuck About this Week

  1. Personally I really enjoyed the Bachelor story – my fave headline was “the best romance to ever come out of the show” 😉 love that they went on the show, ditched the bachelor and took off with each other! You can’t script that!

  2. I enjoy your news reviews just as much as I enjoyed Rosie’s Bachelor recaps – hilarious and informative, and it also means I don’t have to suffer through all that crap in person. You are performing an important public service!

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