One question has been plaguing humankind, ever since a drunken Steve Jobs plugged in the internet for the very first time at a keg-party he was co-hosting with Bill Gates, to raise money for victims of thick-rimmed nerd glasses*.
(* Source: The Bullshitter’s Guide to Knowing Jack-Shit About Info-Tech History)
That question…. “Are you an Internet Troll or a Decent Human Being?”
Take our quick quiz to find out…
QUESTION: You see something on the internet that you disagree with. It upsets you, angers you or in some other way discombobulates you. What do you do?
a) You shrug it off and keep scrolling.
Correct!! Shut this piece-of-shit quiz down, pour yourself a big fuck-off glass of wine and pat yourself on the back for being a highly-evolved and mature individual. You just nailed human-ing today.
b) You yell at the screen and shake your fists like an irascible pensioner who has just watched the 580 bus drive past without stopping for new passengers.
Correct!! You’ve managed to vent your spleen at an inanimate object – no sentient being was hurt in the making of this rage episode. Congratulate yourself for your successful re-direction and superior impulse control.
c) You step away from your computer or close the browser without replying.
Correct!! You’ve effectively severed the only connection you have with that Annoying Pixel-Person from Internetland. Go pat your dog or cuddle a baby or high-five the nearest person who isn’t an asshole.
d) You take a deep breath and calmly respond to the salient points without personally attacking the human behind them.
Correct!! You are the rarest of rare creatures. Please surrender yourself to the nearest wildlife refuge immediately, because your Decent Human sub-species is so endangered that we need to start breeding them in captivity – STAT.
e) You respond with a passive-aggressive comment that starts “No offense, but…” before unloading a shit-tonne of offensive judgement disguised as concern.
Incorrect!! You are a concern troll. It’s a form of stealth-trolling that makes you appear to have empathy, when you’re really just a smug asshole with judgey-Spanx on who is looking to put the sneaky boot in when no one is looking.
f) You lick your fangs with malicious glee and unleash a torrent of almighty abuse at the Unwitting Pixel-Person who has just triggered you.
Incorrect!! You are an angry internet troll. Take a good hard look at your life choices and step away from the keyboard.
g) You threaten to kill/assault/rape the target of your online ire.
Incorrect!! You are a deeply disturbed individual. Please seek the help that you need.