Six News Stories That Made Me Dumber For Having Read Them

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Disclaimer: Lots of swearing in here, MOFOS. If that ain’t your thing, make like FOMO.

Welcome to the most ridiculous news stories from the week that was. As always, it was hard to select a small handful of the sloppiest turds from the sea of raw sewerage that constitutes the News.com.au newsfeed, but I have narrowed it down to six.

Some of the hard-hitting stories that didn’t make the cut this week include the woman who ate 9000 chocolate bars, another woman who lost weight for her wedding (HEADLINE NEWS RIGHT THERE) and Demi Moore’s daughter faux-masturbating in a photo shoot with her tits out. Because we all know how much News.com.au loves tits.

Here are the top six stories that no one gave a shit about this week:

  1. Ariel Winter’s boobs need their own sub-category on News.com.au

Actual headline: Ariel Winter on shaking off haters: I tell myself every day ‘I look fabulous’

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If someone gave me a dollar every time News.com.au ran a story on Ariel Winter’s tits I would probably upsize my own modest rack with pure-gold DD implants, just for kicks. Ariel Winter is an actress from the sitcom Modern Family, and the team at News.com.au add to their creepy spank-bank of tit pics every time she goes out in public wearing a new outfit.

They really need to add an entire new sub-section:

NEWS – LIFESTYLE – TRAVEL – ARIEL WINTER’S TITS

Don’t believe me? Check out some of their previous headlines?

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Things are getting a little bit #creepy here, News.com.au…

2. Monopoly set to replace Kochie as social commentator within two years

Actual headline: The global economy is about to learn what every adult should know

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Apparently the board game Monopoly has just predicted the next global financial crisis. The author expands on the Monopoly metaphor with a high falutin’ bunch of nonsense about asset prices and global monetary policy and low interest rates and whatnot. I don’t know, it all got a bit confusing and I found my thoughts wandering back to Ariel Winter’s tits…

Anyhoo, you know what I learned about the economy from Monopoly?

I learnt that people who are bigger and more powerful than you cheat the system. The rich get richer because they collude with banks and lie and cheat and steal and BUY ALL THE HOUSES and then they THROW their combined assets IN YOUR FACE when you have the nerve to complain that it’s NOT FAIR (that top hat really hurts!).

And then you run to your bedroom and CRY because you have NOTHING.

A lot like the Sydney property market, really.

3. Bullshit diet promises to make women look like supermodels in 28 days

Actual headline: How to get a Victoria’s Secret body in 28 days

Here we have a faux-news story about a new diet that promises to make anyone look like a Victoria’s Secret model in less than 28 days.

BAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHHAHAHHAHAHHAHAHHA!

Wait. You’re serious? This is an actual book?

BAHAHAHHAHAHHAHHAHAHAHHHAHHAHA!

Fuck off.

What I love about this diet – apart from the utterly ludicrous assertion that I could look like Miranda Kerr in less than a month – is that you’re allowed to eat “model veggies” (carrots, celery, cucumbers, leafy greens), but not “non-model veggies” (peas, legumes, potatoes). So I must have missed a memo somewhere, because apparently we’re fat-shaming vegetables now?

And to be honest, I could do single leg pistol squats until I blew out both my kneecaps and I still wouldn’t have a Victoria’s Secret body, unless the secret is that I am a middle-aged woman with fucked-up cruciate ligaments, a wobbly mum-butt and literally zero desire to strut around in angel wings and undies.

Plus there’s the pressing issue of my saggy old-lady labia, which I also learned about on News.com.au this week.

My catwalk-vag is not on-fleek.

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4. Ex-pop star sucks face with ex-football star and the entire world yawns its complete lack of fucks given

Actual headline: Sophie Monk gets intimate with ex-NRL star lover Eric Grothe Jr

Dear News.com.au,

NO ONE GIVES A FUCK. This is a news website, not a high school yearbook.

Regards,

Everyone Who Ever Evolved Beyond Puberty

PS I’m sure they are both very nice people, but seriously… Who GAF?

5. World War Three is coming and it’s going to fuck with your holidays

 Actual headline: Safest places in the world to survive World War III

WORLD WAR THREE IS DEFINITELY COMING, MOTHERFUCKERS, AND SO IS THE NUCLEAR APOCALYPSE.

Save yourself! Build underground bunkers! Change your holiday plans!

Huh? Change your holiday plans?

The entire future of humankind is doomed – with WW3 and nuclear holocaust just around the corner – and News.com.au think this is important enough to file…

IN THE TRAVEL SECTION.

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I love how it doesn’t even make the main news, like the worst thing that could happen is that nuclear apocalypse might fuck with the timing of your Contiki tour to Portugal. Switzerland will be fab in the middle of nuclear winter according to News.com.au, so you can strap on the skis and shred the slopes before heading back to the chalet for lots of nihilistic “end-of-the-world-sex” with horny ski bunnies. Fully radiation sick.

In all seriousness, if shit goes tits-up Melbourne is the place to be if you want to survive, so we’re all basically fucked: doomed to a miserable existence of hipster beards, craft beer, AFL football and endless lectures from sanctimonious twats about how Melbourne is totes better than Sydney, except this time they’ll kind of have a point because it’s no longer just the extreme mortgage stress in Sydney that will slowly kill you – it’s the nuclear radiation too.

I’ll take that one-way ticket to Portugal, thanks….

6. Ultra-fuckable female human might be good at sport too

Actual headline: Mackenzie Dern is the next UFC superstar

News.com.au know what’s important when reporting on the accomplishments of female athletes. #priorities

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Imagine if we flipped the script…

Move over, Roger. This hot piece of ass has the looks – and more importantly the game – to be the world’s biggest male sports star.

*insert sexy photo of naked booty from his Instagram feed*

******

Aaaah News.com.au. You fucking kill me. And I love it.

 

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53 thoughts on “Six News Stories That Made Me Dumber For Having Read Them

  1. And Ariel Winter pops up again in your WordPress news feed! Ariel Winter! Ariel Winter! I now know Sofia Vergara made her proud of her body, when I didn’t even know who she was at the start of your post. Ah the joys of online news being shoved down your throat! On the plus side I hear Turkey is lovely this time of year.

  2. It’s wrong that I want to know more about Demi Moore’s daughter faux-masturbating in a photo shoot with her tits out, isn’t it? Isn’t she about 10?? This is me showing my age, right? Never mind, forget I asked….

  3. BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! But why wouldn’t you want to wear undies and angel wings?

    I obviously never leave my bubble. Have no idea who most of these people are!

  4. You have a much more interesting news feed than me. All I get is conspiracy theories about stuff like sightings of dead celebrities and stories about how we’re all living in a simulation. I clearly need to review which sites I like on FB. Although maybe not…

  5. Thank you for the Friday night laugh! I really enjoyed reading this yesterday. If nuclear war starts I think we’re all fucked, and there won’t be anywhere to escape to! Love how they think Switzerland will be fine though ….

  6. Who’s Ariel Winter? Lol…and does being good at Monopoly equal good at finances? If so I should tell my partner who loves monopoly!

  7. I’m the biggest sucker for clickbait headlines. I’ll have clicked on something from Facebook and then (on the new article) see a picture of a well-known actor who (in the headlines) had identified as transgender; or who has suddenly gained a lot of weight; or who was sacked from their job… only to discover none of those things are true and the actor in the pic isn’t even IN the article.

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