This just in: your labia isn’t fat enough.
Thanks to the rise of labiaplasty we already knew that our flaps were too long and sloppy, but now we’re being told that they’re old and wrinkly to boot. No ones likes a skinny minge. Curves are back, and for a fuckload of cash you can reverse the ageing process with a fat new front-booty: welcome to the fine art of labia puffing.
It sounds like a whimsical spell from the Hogwarts School of Magic, but “labia puffing” is a cosmetic procedure that restores the “youthful appearance” of saggy old labia by injecting fat or dermal fillers into the labia majora to “boost volume, add elasticity and remove creases”.
But how fat is too fat when it comes to twats?
That is the $3000 question – which, coincidentally, is the minimum price you will pay to upsize or downsize your downstairs. The beauty of the beauty industry is that there are procedures for both, because god forbid a woman ever be content with a single part of her body.
It seems that the people charged with making these aesthetic decisions are all cosmetic surgeons, because I’ve never known an actual man to complain about this. Call me a cynic, but it’s almost as though bored surgeons with dollar signs in their eyes are creating ridiculous new body “flaws” to shame women with, while offering their over-priced solution in the next breath.
It’s hard to imagine that hordes of women woke up one day and all of a sudden decided that their labia weren’t up to par, because it’s not like we don’t have a myriad of other more obvious flaws that we spend most of our time fixating on.
In between hating our thighs and our cracked heels and our cankles and our dry cuticles there simply isn’t time to start despising perfectly adequate body parts that look the way they are meant to, perform the way they are supposed to and mostly escape public scrutiny, because undies.
“Mmm… what random body part haven’t I hated on yet? Aaah I know – these wrinkly fucking beef curtains are more like dried-up old jerky than juicy slices of yearling steak. MUST GET ARSE-FAT INJECTED IN THEM IMMEDIATELY”
….. said no woman ever.
If this industry was as serious about making women “feel good” as they endlessly claim, they would come up with some sort of genius procedure to “plump” or “rejuvenate” the clitorous, so that every time you thought about chocolate cake or new season Manolos or Jon Snow from Game of Thrones you would spontaneously climax.
That would get my attention.
Until then, stick your non-surgical dermal fillers up your liposculpted arses and keep your scalpels off my perfectly adequate twat.