Labia Puffing: The New Cosmetic Surgery To Fatten Your Flaps

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This just in: your labia isn’t fat enough.

Thanks to the rise of labiaplasty we already knew that our flaps were too long and sloppy, but now we’re being told that they’re old and wrinkly to boot. No ones likes a skinny minge. Curves are back, and for a fuckload of cash you can reverse the ageing process with a fat new front-booty: welcome to the fine art of labia puffing.

It sounds like a whimsical spell from the Hogwarts School of Magic, but “labia puffing” is a cosmetic procedure that restores the “youthful appearance” of saggy old labia by injecting fat or dermal fillers into the labia majora to “boost volume, add elasticity and remove creases”.

But how fat is too fat when it comes to twats?

That is the $3000 question – which, coincidentally, is the minimum price you will pay to upsize or downsize your downstairs. The beauty of the beauty industry is that there are procedures for both, because god forbid a woman ever be content with a single part of her body.

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It seems that the people charged with making these aesthetic decisions are all cosmetic surgeons, because I’ve never known an actual man to complain about this. Call me a cynic, but it’s almost as though bored surgeons with dollar signs in their eyes are creating ridiculous new body “flaws” to shame women with, while offering their over-priced solution in the next breath.

It’s hard to imagine that hordes of women woke up one day and all of a sudden decided that their labia weren’t up to par, because it’s not like we don’t have a myriad of other more obvious flaws that we spend most of our time fixating on.

In between hating our thighs and our cracked heels and our cankles and our dry cuticles there simply isn’t time to start despising perfectly adequate body parts that look the way they are meant to, perform the way they are supposed to and mostly escape public scrutiny, because undies.

“Mmm… what random body part haven’t I hated on yet? Aaah I know – these wrinkly fucking beef curtains are more like dried-up old jerky than juicy slices of yearling steak. MUST GET ARSE-FAT INJECTED IN THEM IMMEDIATELY”

….. said no woman ever.

If this industry was as serious about making women “feel good” as they endlessly claim, they would come up with some sort of genius procedure to “plump” or “rejuvenate” the clitorous, so that every time you thought about chocolate cake or new season Manolos or Jon Snow from Game of Thrones you would spontaneously climax.

That would get my attention.

Until then, stick your non-surgical dermal fillers up your liposculpted arses and keep your scalpels off my perfectly adequate twat.

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41 thoughts on “Labia Puffing: The New Cosmetic Surgery To Fatten Your Flaps

  1. OMFG, this is a thing, lol? I can’t even imagine having the energy to expend on worrying about this. I could give zero fucks about what anyone thinks about my labia given I hardly even think about them.

  2. I just love you, that is all. I am crushing on your blog (since ‘discovering’ you via a Shopkins cult that I’m part of!)…will binge-read the rest of your musings tonight!

  3. So somewhere some woman has actually done this. Probably more than one. Why? How do you even arrive at the point where you think it’s an option? Let alone the only option.

  4. I thought vaginal steaming sounded insane. This is a whole new level. No thanks. But gawd you make me laugh, I nearly snorted my tea at the climax bit.

  5. Nope. Nope-ity nope nope. I know of women downsizing because their camel toe is apparent in a pair of harem pants, but puffing those bits up?? I’ve got cracked heels and an evolutionary apple shaped body to worry about, thanks.

  6. WHAT!? Although I was flicking through a beauticians brochure the other day trying to decide what treatment Mum could kindly give me for my birthday and they were advertising something called “Mona Lisa’s Touch” which is described as “a painless and minimally invasive laser treatment for vaginal rejuvenation” for the bargain price of $800 a treatment and apparently they recommend 3. I decided that perhaps I’d ask for a pair of shoes instead. Something very wrong in the world!

  7. LMAO. tou-fucking-ché. And what kind of men (because I know there’s gotta be some!) WOULD ever have a comment about this part of a woman’s body. They could come up with a surgery that would pretty the PenisNBalls up a bit, but I’m certain men wouldn’t even care enough to look into it. I envy that! I imagine many woman, as ridiculous as this concept is, are now wondering if their cooter is poofy enough.

    • Hahhaha I reckon that men of my ahem, advanced age are probably pretty unfussy about all this but I do wonder what impact internet porn is having on younger generations when it comes to body image. Thank god I am old enough to not GAF.

    • Hahhaha I’ve given up on caring about this shit a long time ago. I do feel sorry for young girls being raised with all this ridiculous pressure though. And it IS ridiculous. I mean, really?

  8. Well the folks at the morturary are getting the biggest laugh out of this. There you are doing an autopsy in lovely old Maude and she is all wrinkly and old until BOING – that labia. Hehehehe even more hilarious than bouncy tits on a saggy body.

  9. I am in a mothers group on Facebook where we are all quite open with each other, and am blown away by how many of them aren’t even really aware of what abnormal vagina looks like. Nearly all of these women believe there is something ‘wrong’ with their vagina. Australia’a censorship laws affecting vaginas have a lot to answer for – outer lips are ‘gross’ and our pink bits are expected to be the colour of strawberry Hubba Bubba.

  10. This is rather concerning. First you would have to spend a lot of time with a mirror up there..Then spending time with other Labeee to realise yours was inept. Hmm.

  11. Annnd it was on news.com.au again. Why am I not surprised? Of course they’d write a puff piece about ‘incompetent/inadequate twats’. Coincidentally that’s also who’s writing these stories.

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