Disclaimer: Lots of swearing in here. If cussing ain’t your thing I believe that “Better Homes and Gardens” is probably on tele right now. That Dr Harry knows his fucking shit.
News.com.au is my go-to website for news and current affairs, and I am terribly ashamed of that because it speaks to my small-minded laziness. When I type “news” into Google the first link that comes up is News.com.au – so that’s where I go.
I have a morbid fascination with it, because News.com.au truly scrapes the bottom of a very low and turgid barrel when it comes to reporting. I mean, this is the so-called news site that at one stage had six out of eight featured stories on their main page dedicated to “The Bachelor” finale.
North Korea could have nuked the fuck out everything after that last ad break, but all we would have seen on News.com.au was a series of anguished op-eds wondering why Ritchie chose Alex over Nikki and cursing his mother’s womb for producing a human being so duplicitous and vile.
How 80% of the crap on that site even passes for news is anyone’s guess. News.com.au is the WORST, which is why I LOVE it so much. What can I say? It appeals to my finely-developed sense of the ludicrous, so it makes perfect sense that I‘ve decided to do a weekly wrap-up of their most WTF stories.
Welcome to the first ever Faux-News Friday.
Here is the week that was, according to News.com.au…
- Joe Jonas’s Full-Blown Boner (try saying that after a few drinks)
Actual headline: Joe Jonas opens up about the actress he lost his virginity to
Summary: Celebrity you have vaguely heard of discusses the time he lost his virginity to another celebrity you have vaguely heard of. Sex and genital stories are News.com.au’s bread and butter, so a minor C-lister willing to talk about the time he got “half a full-blown boner” while making his latest music video is considered to be totally newsworthy. To be fair, I did learn something. “Half chubbing” is a thing. It sure explains a few things from my early twenties…
2. Underwear Model Does Not Eat Food that Makes People Fat
Summary: “We have lots of photos of an Aussie model in her underwear and we needed to come up with a faux-news story about exercise (she does a lot!) and diet (she eats clean!) to justify publishing them all”.
Models you have never heard of in their underwear or in bathing suits are a common source of breaking news on News.com.au, particularly if they can also slip in some cheeky body-shaming on the sly. If you managed to make it past the first seven lingerie photos then BOOM, there it is – News.com.au concern-trolling with some sneaky “IS SHE ANOREXIC” speculation.
- Guy Sebastian Is Surprised When Lying Cunts Lie About Him
Actual headline: Guy Sebastian slams ‘harmful lies’ in Woman’s Day
Summary: Guy Sebastian slams Woman’s Day for “printing lies”, which is kind of like Guy Sebastian slamming the sun for being “too hot”. Guy’s crime? To be seen in public in the presence of a member of the opposite sex, which in Woman’s Day speak translates to “Guy slips Secret Fling the legendary Sebastian half-chubber and is probably – no definitely – the Baby Daddy now”. It’s clear that I try not to editorialise in here, but fuck you Woman’s Day. Leave Guy alone. Surely Jen Aniston is well overdue for another one of your ridiculous faux-babies?
4. Reality Contestant You Do Not Give a Fuck About Puts on Weight
Actual headline: Ousted Survivor contestant Brooke’s incredible weight gain
Summary: Person who is vaguely celebrity-like because they spent five minutes on the set of a reality TV program puts significant amount of weight on in 12 days after exiting the show. Talks about how nice it is to use toilets again. Every dead journalist who has ever filed an actual news story rolls over in his or her fucking grave.
- Chick Who Was Hot Twenty Years Ago Got Fat
Actual headline: Fischer speaks out about new life: ‘Kate got fat is old news’
Summary: Woman who was famous (and thin) 20 years ago talks about being fed up (and fat) 20 years later because people won’t let up about it. Interesting that the article makes no mention of the current physical appearance of the man in the photo with her (**spoiler alert** it’s James Packer). That’s the great thing about being a man, particularly if you are also a billionaire. You can age and get fat and have hair that looks like an Afghan Hound dry-humping a Halloween pumpkin, but you can still go around grabbing pussy like it’s nobody’s business and no one will unearth old bikini photos as “news” in order to fat-shame you two decades later.
- Titty Model Goes Apeshit for ISIS
Summary: “We’ve finally found a way to spice up those boring old ISIS stories – WITH TITS! Something something counter terrorism, something something jihadi bride. None of that even matters, just check out the norks on this bird!”
Ms Miners used to be a topless model in the Sun, so hopefully that will be enough to call for a nationwide ban on that Page 3 titty crap, because it’s clearly radicalising an entire generation of young glamour models.
- Haha We Tricked You Into Reading a Political Article With a Misleading Headline About Vaginas
Clickbait Headline: News anchor’s awkward ‘vagina’ question
Actual Headline: Mike Pence says reports he considered leaving ticket were ‘absolutely false’
Summary: “LOL DICKWADS THIS STORY HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH VAGINAS! We knew that you were NEVER going to click on a story about Mike Pence so we had to try something. Who even IS Mike Pence? And who even CARES? Mike Pence is Donald Trump’s election running mate and he is totally chill about D-Trumps’ pussy grabbing. In fact, Mike is so down with grabbing pussy that he is sticking by Trump. That’s all. We apologise for the total lack of vaginas in this piece, but we needed to trick you because we have no respect for your general intelligence”.
- It-Girl With Great Tits Shows Off Her Nips at 20th Birthday Party
Actual Headline: Bella Hadid goes braless in chainmail for 20th birthday celebrations
Summary: TITTTTTTTTSSSSSS!!! Girls going braless is serious news at News.com.au. Especially when they are wearing see-through tops.
And those were the stupid news stories that didn’t matter this week. Stay tuned for another round-up next Friday! Who knows what it will bring? (my guess is more tits…)