The Stupid News Stories That No-One Gives a Shit About

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Disclaimer: Lots of swearing in here. If cussing ain’t your thing I believe that “Better Homes and Gardens” is probably on tele right now. That Dr Harry knows his fucking shit. 

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News.com.au is my go-to website for news and current affairs, and I am terribly ashamed of that because it speaks to my small-minded laziness. When I type “news” into Google the first link that comes up is News.com.au – so that’s where I go.

I have a morbid fascination with it, because News.com.au truly scrapes the bottom of a very low and turgid barrel when it comes to reporting. I mean, this is the so-called news site that at one stage had six out of eight featured stories on their main page dedicated to “The Bachelor” finale.

North Korea could have nuked the fuck out everything after that last ad break, but all we would have seen on News.com.au was a series of anguished op-eds wondering why Ritchie chose Alex over Nikki and cursing his mother’s womb for producing a human being so duplicitous and vile.

How 80% of the crap on that site even passes for news is anyone’s guess. News.com.au is the WORST, which is why I LOVE it so much. What can I say? It appeals to my finely-developed sense of the ludicrous, so it makes perfect sense that I‘ve decided to do a weekly wrap-up of their most WTF stories.

Welcome to the first ever Faux-News Friday.

Here is the week that was, according to News.com.au…

  1. Joe Jonas’s Full-Blown Boner (try saying that after a few drinks)

Actual headline: Joe Jonas opens up about the actress he lost his virginity to

Summary: Celebrity you have vaguely heard of discusses the time he lost his virginity to another celebrity you have vaguely heard of. Sex and genital stories are News.com.au’s bread and butter, so a minor C-lister willing to talk about the time he got “half a full-blown boner” while making his latest music video is considered to be totally newsworthy. To be fair, I did learn something. “Half chubbing” is a thing. It sure explains a few things from my early twenties…

2. Underwear Model Does Not Eat Food that Makes People Fat

Actual headline: Victoria’s Secret model Bridget Malcolm says there’s three things she just won’t eat

Summary: “We have lots of photos of an Aussie model in her underwear and we needed to come up with a faux-news story about exercise (she does a lot!) and diet (she eats clean!) to justify publishing them all”.

Models you have never heard of in their underwear or in bathing suits are a common source of breaking news on News.com.au, particularly if they can also slip in some cheeky body-shaming on the sly. If you managed to make it past the first seven lingerie photos then BOOM, there it is – News.com.au concern-trolling with some sneaky “IS SHE ANOREXIC” speculation.

  1. Guy Sebastian Is Surprised When Lying Cunts Lie About Him

Actual headline: Guy Sebastian slams ‘harmful lies’ in Woman’s Day

Summary: Guy Sebastian slams Woman’s Day for “printing lies”, which is kind of like Guy Sebastian slamming the sun for being “too hot”. Guy’s crime? To be seen in public in the presence of a member of the opposite sex, which in Woman’s Day speak translates to “Guy slips Secret Fling the legendary Sebastian half-chubber and is probably – no definitely – the Baby Daddy now”. It’s clear that I try not to editorialise in here, but fuck you Woman’s Day. Leave Guy alone. Surely Jen Aniston is well overdue for another one of your ridiculous faux-babies?

4. Reality Contestant You Do Not Give a Fuck About Puts on Weight

Actual headline: Ousted Survivor contestant Brooke’s incredible weight gain

Summary: Person who is vaguely celebrity-like because they spent five minutes on the set of a reality TV program puts significant amount of weight on in 12 days after exiting the show. Talks about how nice it is to use toilets again. Every dead journalist who has ever filed an actual news story rolls over in his or her fucking grave.

  1. Chick Who Was Hot Twenty Years Ago Got Fat

Actual headline: Fischer speaks out about new life: ‘Kate got fat is old news’

Summary: Woman who was famous (and thin) 20 years ago talks about being fed up (and fat) 20 years later because people won’t let up about it. Interesting that the article makes no mention of the current physical appearance of the man in the photo with her (**spoiler alert** it’s James Packer). That’s the great thing about being a man, particularly if you are also a billionaire. You can age and get fat and have hair that looks like an Afghan Hound dry-humping a Halloween pumpkin, but you can still go around grabbing pussy like it’s nobody’s business and no one will unearth old bikini photos as “news” in order to fat-shame you two decades later.

  1. Titty Model Goes Apeshit for ISIS

Actual headline: Former glamour model Kimberley Miners ‘held by police’ over alleged ties to Islamic State 

Summary: “We’ve finally found a way to spice up those boring old ISIS stories – WITH TITS! Something something counter terrorism, something something jihadi bride. None of that even matters, just check out the norks on this bird!”

Ms Miners used to be a topless model in the Sun, so hopefully that will be enough to call for a nationwide ban on that Page 3 titty crap, because it’s clearly radicalising an entire generation of young glamour models.

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  1. Haha We Tricked You Into Reading a Political Article With a Misleading Headline About Vaginas

Clickbait Headline: News anchor’s awkward ‘vagina’ question

Actual Headline: Mike Pence says reports he considered leaving ticket were ‘absolutely false’

Summary: “LOL DICKWADS THIS STORY HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH VAGINAS! We knew that you were NEVER going to click on a story about Mike Pence so we had to try something. Who even IS Mike Pence? And who even CARES? Mike Pence is Donald Trump’s election running mate and he is totally chill about D-Trumps’ pussy grabbing. In fact, Mike is so down with grabbing pussy that he is sticking by Trump. That’s all. We apologise for the total lack of vaginas in this piece, but we needed to trick you because we have no respect for your general intelligence”.

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  1. It-Girl With Great Tits Shows Off Her Nips at 20th Birthday Party

Actual Headline: Bella Hadid goes braless in chainmail for 20th birthday celebrations

Summary: TITTTTTTTTSSSSSS!!! Girls going braless is serious news at News.com.au. Especially when they are wearing see-through tops.

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And those were the stupid news stories that didn’t matter this week. Stay tuned for another round-up next Friday! Who knows what it will bring? (my guess is more tits…)

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36 thoughts on “The Stupid News Stories That No-One Gives a Shit About

  1. Nooooooo say it ain’t so. Those sites give me the shits so badly that I don’t bother to read them, unless I am chasing one of the above stories because I just can’t look away. I’m a sensible ABC or SBS news eater… #boring

    • This is what happens when media conglomerates get rid of quality journalists. It’s a bloody downward spiral, and it truly must make you cringe to read some of this shit. I don’t blame the people who actually write this stuff, because that’s the sort of content that is expected of them of them nowadays – the media culture has changed so much in the last 15 years. So much of it has become overly sensationalist and trivial. Thank god that the ABC and SBS have survived it all.

  2. More tits!! The news is nothing but tits these days- and I mean that in a British way, where a tit is a bloody idiot. Until the US election is over there will be tit story after tit story because Trump just doesn’t shut up!

  3. Sorry? All I saw was the word ‘tits’ over and over and thought this was going to be a really interesting news story, not a pisstake of dodgy journalism. Ha ha! Best line: some guy “cursing his mother’s womb for producing a human being so duplicitous and vile.” I’ll no doubt use this tomorrow to describe anyone who pisses me off at the shops.

  4. This is the best thing I’ve read in ages. P.S. If you want more non-news masquerading as news, hit up the Daily Mail website. It’s ludicrous. Accidentally (I swear!) ended up there the other day and I kid you not, one of the stories was about the eyeliner application some semi-demi-celebrity deigned to wear out that day.

    • OMG Daily Mail is the WORST-BEST. It makes me lose faith in humanity every single day, especially the comments section. Lordy me. How do some of them even manage to breathe and walk at the same time?

  5. I confess to a regular news.com.au trawl for four reasons. 1. I can’t be bothered paying SMH and I always run out of my 30 free stories in about half a minute (an they’re not much better these days). 2. I like to trawl the travel section (which is actually very good) to keep me abreast (ohhh, sound almost like “a tit” – how news.com.au of me) of the current travel trends 3. Because I can’t help but read the comments sections becasue I actually enjoy screaming in unbridled rage at the unmitigated stupid of people. 4. So I am prepared for what utter bollocks my “informed” relatives who swear by The Terrorgraph are going to start whining about that day. But I always cleanse myself with a visit to ABC or The Guardian news sites. Where I go to read the news. Because news.

  6. This post is hilarious! My guilty pleasure for terrible reporting is watching sunrise on channel 7. I just saw an interview with the owners of a really fucking old cat. Is that really news worthy lol.

  7. News.com is like the news equivalent of car crash TV, it’s really terrible but you can’t help but watch, or in this case read. I loved your take on this week’s “news” I predict next week’s news will be like Game of Thrones, tits, ass (as in Trump) with a side of (US election) battle! See ya next Friday…

  8. Oooooooh poor Kate. 20 years ago I worked for a PR firm in Sydney and we invited Kate to our bogus event as she had the rep for going to everything. She came and was really lovely but clearly the spotlight really did a number on her. They should just leave her alone. Totally hilarious post Zilla. You nailed it.

  9. I’m totally in love with their trash news! I have also been following the Guy debacle, because I love celebrity gossip (hello ‘The Fix’). Poor dude looks seriously down in the dumps lately, I hope he can pull it all together. If he can’t, I’ll definitely read all about it, but I’m rootin’ for him!

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