Five Reasons Why Shopkins Can Go Fuck Themselves

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Disclaimer: Just in case the title was unclear, there is swearing in here. I obviously need to wash my mouth out with “Suds”, the Shopkin soap character from Season 1.

Look, first things first. We love Shopkins in this house. I love them. My kids love them. I’m all up in their grill when they’re opening those new blind bags. I keep pestering my kid to choose the 12-pack with the cute little red frying pan. And one of my guilty pleasures is watching Shopkins unboxing videos on YouTube with my four year old (WHY OH WHY CAN’T I LOOK AWAY WHAT IS WRONG WITH MEEEEEEE!?)

The bastard things are adorable and addictive in equal measure. But here’s why they suck:

  1. They are heavily marketed as “girls” toys

My four year old son adores Shopkins. All the licensed clothing is located in the girl’s section, and it’s all pink – just in case there was any confusion. There are dresses and frilly undies and glitter-sparkled Shopkins sandals with small wedge heels.

The toys themselves are branded with a broad rainbow of hot-pink hues, and recent additions to the range have included little pink and purple-haired dolls. Female dolls. Not male dolls. Because boys couldn’t possibly want to play with Shopkins.

Being the progressive DNGAF parents that we are, we still wholeheartedly encourage this interest anyway, the same way we encouraged four straight years of Dora the fucking Explorer DVDs on endless loop. (And didn’t that chupa las bolas…)

We’re not personally fussed by the bullshit “girls” or “boys” toys divide, but it’s only a matter of time before some strident little Gender Policeperson shames him for playing with **gasp** “GIRL’S TOYS”.

2. They are more expensive per-ounce than pure gold

Shopkins are a scam. They are the perfect example of late-stage capitalism, where you pay a nose-bleeding premium for tiny little mass produced toys.

Two Shopkins will set you back $3.00. A 12 pack will set you back $15.00.

To put it in context, these things are roughly the size of a pellet of possum poo (with smiley face), so you’re not actually getting all that much bang for your buck. Crunch the numbers and you’ll probably find they are more expensive per-ounce than the finest 24 carat rose gold.

Except they are made from tiny blobs of cheap tacky plastic.

And the dog is likely to eat them.

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3. They come out with a new fucking season every five minutes 

The evil geniuses at Moose Toys come out with a new season of Tiny Plastic Crapkins every other minute. No sooner has your preschooler pestered you to purchase 5000 blind bags in their quest for the Ultra Rare “Maxed-Out Credit Card” Shopkin, and those fuckers have already brought out an entirely new range – just when you thought you’d finally caught up.

There are hundreds of these mofos. Literally. HUNDREDS.

BUT, the inherent and perpetually-frustrating contradiction of Shopkins is that despite there being thousands of the fuckers, no matter how many packets you buy you will keep getting multiples of the same 20 characters over and over again.

The Shopkins criteria for the exclusivity of their inventory goes like this:

COMMON = Every other packet.

RARE = Every 100th packet.

ULTRA RARE = Keep dreaming.

SPECIAL EDITION = Not happening.

LIMITED EDITION = Not even real. On the Shopping List just to fuck with you.

And not only that, the clever pricks have perfected the art of selling you THE SAME SHIT TWICE, but with a different name. Has anyone ever seen Wild Carrot from Season One in the same room as Karen Carrot from Season Six? Think about it…

And then there is the ubiquitous Shopkins-themed merchandising, which makes the Disney marketing team look like a bunch of stoned teenagers at a TAFE brainstorming session. The brand and its characters are splashed across all manner of things: bike helmets, scooters, books, clothing, craft activities, soft toys, trading cards, shoes….

You name it, they’ve slapped a “Once You Shop… You Can’t Stop!” slogan on it.

It’s so meta. Fucking smart arses.

If nothing else, Moose Toys is very clear about their agenda to bleed us dry. And then bleed us dry some more. And when they finally do, those motherfuckers will be first on the scene with their timely release of Shopkins-branded first aid kits.

Blood. E Bandaid and Penny Paracetemol will soothe what ails you (washed down with a bracing glass of Vinnie Vino).

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4. They end up in every nook and cranny of my fucking house

‘Nuff said.

These things are worse than sand up your vag after a day at the beach.

5. They make me crave all the shitty foods

This one is personal.

I recently started a low carb way of eating. You know what that means? I have to eliminate 95% of every food ever invented from my diet.

I can eat simple foods such as meat and berries and plants like some stinky fucking early hominid, but I can’t enjoy the fruits of the post-industrial food revolution. Like sponge cakes. And ice cream sundaes. And those hipster food-coma milkshakes that have donuts and Nutella croissants and motherfucking pavlovlas stacked up the straw.

Shopkins are all about sweets in every form possible; like the fantasy buffet for a gaggle of pre-menstrual girls. If Shopkins represented an actual eating regime, Pete Evans would die of abject horror on the spot (but not before writing a sanctimonious Facebook post about it and taking pre-orders for his new “Anti-Shopkins Diet” e-book).

Shopkins = an orgy of sugar. An orgy that I am not invited to.

Fuck you, Cupcake Queen.

Fuck you and the 500 ultra-common cake-themed Shopkins you rode in on.

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72 thoughts on “Five Reasons Why Shopkins Can Go Fuck Themselves

  1. Marketing at its finest. I was against the little buggers to start with until I looked into the faces of Suzie Sushi and Dennis Ball. My tornadoes aren’t at obsessed level but both enjoy playing with them (Mr TT more so than Miss T). Loved your updated Shopkins. I’d like to see Larry Lager, Monique Merlot and Ginnifer Tonic added to your collection. xx

  2. Well this gets a big old LOL from me! We’re packing to move house and those little f’ers are turning up everywhere! I thought they were cute at first, plus the 2-packs make a cheap shopping bribe, but it’s beyond a joke now. And yes, my son got shamed (by a girl) so now wants to collect the ‘Grosseries’ ones, which will frankly never take off. Step away from the unboxing videos!!!

  3. I can’t stand the bloody things. My mum got the kids hooked on them and now the house is full of them. Worst thing is I can’t stop myself from displaying them in fancy arrangements. I’ve even been known to take photos of how nicely I’ve displayed them.Thanks for nothing mum. You’ve ruined us!

  4. Thank god haven’t heard of them yet, with two boys hopefully I’ll dodge that particular bullet. Pokeminge however I cannot escape. I don’t mind them so much thankfully (though am I the only one who finds hunting and capturing wild creatures then forcing them to fight for the glory of the dipshit who caught them *extremely* disturbing?) but I fucking HATE power rangers. Like, hate hate, not ‘bitch about them but really I love them’ kinda thing. I am never buying them a power rangers themed ANYTHING. It’s violent cheese. And really crappily done violent cheese. When even a 5 year old isn’t laughing at the lame arse jokes you’d think they’d up their game, but X-number of re-jigs later… and there’s a movie coming out! God help me.
    Hmm… obviously I have some P.Rangers rage to work through…

  5. I actually thought I’d like to be a shopkins. Such pretty colours, delicious looking tiny bits of scrumptious food and they all look so darn happy, what’s not to love? Then I stood on one and realised it’s actually a weapon. I sucked them up in the vacuum as fast as I could. Do I feel guilty, sometimes, those sweet little faces …….

    • Because they keep bloody reinventing the idea! The new Chef range is freaking genius if you ask me. Little recipe cards and every season has different little carry bags. ARGH. It’s all too clever.

  6. “And then there is the ubiquitous Shopkins-themed merchandising, which makes the Disney marketing team look like a bunch of stoned teenagers at a TAFE brainstorming session.” Hahahahahaha Oh My God! There are so many wonderful Hugzilla poetic gems in this piece my sides won’t stop hurting from laughing for a week. Thank goodness I have adult children, no grandkids yet and no extended family with kids in this age bracket (although I do miss hearing those infectious giggles). I tell you bloody Polly Pockets stuff gave me a twitch! Still recovering. Funny, funny shit as always hugzy. Thanks for the laugh. Xx

  7. We have Shopkins everywhere too. I even put on a Shopkins party for my six year old and we still invited boys and girls to come along. I don’t get why they are marketed to girls because boys love playing with them too. I don’t get anal about buying new packs though and keeping up with each season. I’m not that obsessed… 🙂

    • Yeah, it’s weird. Boys only have superhero figurines for pretend play and my youngest gets bored with that. It’s a shame that more options aren’t targeted at boys. But until then we have Shopkins!

  8. You know what I hate? Those collectable cards you get from supermarkets, like get one card for every $20 and pile them into a display folder kind of crap. You painstakingly collect the cards, trade til you get almost the whole set because you will always be missing one card, then as soon as it’s done your kid never looks at it. EVER AGAIN. When the latest one started the other week and the girl asked me if I was collecting I think she actually took a step back at the look on my face.

  9. Well don’t they sound horrific! Luckily for me, in this house all we have to worry about at there moment is changing kids movies 200 times per day so Boodi can manoeuvre the remote (that he calls “sky”) stop get straight to the all important, exciting bit, the credit roll! That said, my husband, the poor fool, did buy a plush strawberry shopkins toy for our 2 year old without realising what he was buying into. Our time will come, no doubt.

  10. First time I’ve heard of Shopkins!! That is the heaven of having grown up kids!! LOL However, I have lived through Pokemon hell and still do. My nearly 24 son is STILL obsessed with Pokemon!!

  11. These sound like those collectible cards where you get number 22 like 6 times over and never find the elusive number 14. Ain’t nobody got time for that? I’d heard of Shopkins but had no idea how annoying they are. Note to self: Do not buy for any of my godchildren because their parents might never forgive me. These are almost more of a sin against parenting than noisy toys! Thanks for the heads up, Hugzy

  12. I’ve never heard of them before. I remember my niece (15-16yrs ago) being into Polly Pocket and My Little Pet Shop thingys and having to give her several packages each birthday or Xmas!

  13. Lol. Thankfully my kids are too old for them but we still have our collection of squinkies in the closet along with a zillion other “I need the whole collection or I’ll die” toys. Now they are 11 and 13 it is stationery, clothes and more things that we can share yay!

  14. My three year old chose the shopkins toy over the “boy” sky lander one at Maccas the other day. The marketing dept will no doubt release the “blue” version shortly. (Not that I take my children to Maccas 😉 )

    • ZOMG yes mine does that too!! 99% of the time they will just assume the boys toys and I will have to correct them. It makes me grit my teeth to say it. I want to yell, THEY’RE JUST FUCKING TOYS!! But the person is normally only like 16, so I don’t. They don’t know any better.

  15. This is why I do my grocery shopping online. We have managed to avoid these little bastards so far – my daughter says “but what do they DO? NOTHING! They’re just little blobs!!” and my son is so deep into his ninja turtle phase that nothing can turn his head. I’ve probably jinxed myself now and will end up with a million of the fuckers after L’s bday next month! Visiting from #teamIBOT today (but you know I’d be here anyway 😉😚).

  16. My 3.5 year old is aware of them thanks to her deep love of unboxing videos on YouTube but is yet to make a request and I’m keen to keep it that way because I can see myself getting way too much into blind bags and the like. Takes me back to my Barbie Sticker book collection.

  17. Looool! My 3 yr old has been begging for shopkins FOREVER luckily for me though I have the excuse that we can’t buy them because her baby sister could choke on them. moohahaha #mumwin

  18. I have been very careful to keep my girls away from Shopkins because I know they will LOVE them and become obsessed very quickly. They love playing with little toys and figurines and I step on enough of the bloody things without adding Shopkins to the mix! Having said that, with Punky going to school next year it’s only a matter of time before she becomes Shopkins-aware. She’s had a couple of play-dates at Shopkins houses but thankfully she hasn’t put two and two together to realise that I could buy them for her if I wanted. We’ll just stick to going through reams and reams of paper for her drawing exploits, at least I can recycle that!

  19. Oh god the YouTube channel. I discovered these one day looking over my daughters’ shoulder and they were watching this woman opening toys and playing with them. I thought to myself “this…this is a thing?” They love it! Its like they’ve hypnotized them.

  20. Reading this just made my day. I have chest pains every time my daughter bugs me to buy her more of them. I’d rather buy her more lego to step on in my barefeet.

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