Confessions of a Reformed Carboholic (aka LCHF is Not a 4-Letter Word)

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Disclaimer: I swear. Quite a lot.

Disclaimer Part II: I’m not an expert at this shit. Nor do I claim to BE an expert, because I’m not one of those tossers who develops a Machiavellian god-complex because they know how to start a fucking blog. If, after reading the next several paragraphs of inane crap you are interested in this way of eating, go see your doctor or nutritionist or dietician whatever. Don’t just do it because some idiot mummy blogger on the internet says so.

***** 

Hello, my name is Melissa Hugzilla and I am a reformed carboholic.

It’s been thirteen days since my last slice of bread.

Something weird happened to me recently. I went away to a blogging conference and came home totally obsessed by the Low Carb High Fat eating philosophy, despite having no prior history of falling for fad diets and no intention whatsoever of starting one.

(Yes, only I could be useless enough to attend a two-day intensive writing and social media conference and emerge from that with an entirely unrelated set of action points about my diet).

Let’s just be clear. I love carbs. I never met a carb that I didn’t like jump straight into bed with on the first date. Lollies, bread, pasta, donuts, chips, crackers, cereal, cake, chocolate, croissants. (Side note: why do all the BEST foods start with a C for CARBS. That’s just C for fucking CRUEL)

So what the heck is this shit and why am I doing it? How on earth did I of all people come to drink the Low Carb Kool-Aid? In short: I came for the weight loss and stayed for the complete annihilation of carbohydrate cravings.

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What the fuck is LCHF anyway?

Look, relying on me for accurate and up-to-date information about LCHF is like going to the Daily Telegraph for a compehensive and unbiased political analysis of the Middle East situation. I don’t really know what I’m talking about and it’s highly likely that I’m filling the gaps with facts pulled straight out of my arse. Or Rupert Murdoch’s arse.

Refer again ^^^ to my disclaimer: NOT AN EXPERT.

Anyhoo, here is the “pulled from my arse” summary of LCHF, for those of you too lazy to research it yourself (Side note: you are my people):

LCHF stands for “low carb high fat”. As the name suggests, you are free to eat a shitload of fatty food but you need to avoid high carb foods. You can have all the cheese, eggs, meat and dairy that you want but you need to wean yourself cold turkey off things like bread, pasta, sweets and processed grains etc.

Basically you cut out as many carbs and sugars as you can, eat plenty of fat to fill you up and throw in adequate portions of meat and vegetables. There’s science behind it and shit. I have no idea if it’s any good. Look it up. (Recall my earlier point about disregarding authoritative statements from idiot mummy bloggers)

The upshot…

I’m a couple of weeks in, it hasn’t been hard, and I don’t miss carbs at all.

In fact, I have ZERO sugar or carb cravings.

WHAT KIND OF EVIL SORCERY IS THIS?

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Why the fuck am I doing it?

Let’s be honest, this is a midlife crisis thing because I am turning 40 at the end of the year. Men buy sports cars and flirt with women half their age. I bought a pair of Doc Marten boots and am trying to get back to the weight I was in university, in a desperate attempt to recapture my youth.

I NEED TO SHOW THAT I’VE STILL GOT IT, YES?

(What is “IT”? Youth, swagger, vanity, complete self-delusion? Who the fuck knows. Whatever “IT” is, I WANT it. Preferably before the end of December)

I started doing Lite n Easy earlier in the year when I hit 63.1 kilograms, and got bored with it a few months later. That boredom coincided with the blogging conference I mentioned earlier, and one of the attendees was a friend of mine who shared her LCHF journey with me. (Yes, I just said JOURNEY, motherfuckers. Suck it)

In short she felt great, had lost a lot of weight and within two days had totally inspired me to try LCHF. That’s basically how it went down. I suspect there must also have been some sort of food-spiking involved, because I am typically not vulnerable to wellness guru bullshit or cult-like fad diets.

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What the fuck happened?

THE PROS

I feel better

First things first. I feel better, and this seems to suit my digestive system pretty well – no more bloaty carb babies for me. (In the interests of transparency I am in perfect health, have no chronic medical conditions and am not taking any regular medication, so I should be feeling pretty fucking good anyway).

I feel full and satisfied

This way of eating makes me feel sated. Satisfied. Full. When eating carbs I always had this gnawing sense of hunger and the constant need to find my next hit. I don’t feel like that now. The food I eat fills me up for extended periods and I don’t think about food much at all now. This gives me lots of time to brainstorm inane blog posts.

My carb cravings are completely gone

This is the miracle for me. I don’t crave carbs and I don’t miss them. I can cook hot chips for the boys and not be tempted. I can go to the supermarket and not make a deliberate trip down the chocolate aisle. My carb and sugar cravings are totally gone. It’s not even a question of willpower, because my willpower is SHIT.

It suits my lazy-grazer style

I hate cooking and I like that this way of eating lends itself to grazing on simple foods if that’s all I feel like. A handful of nuts here. Bacon and eggs there. A bowl of Greek yoghurt with berries. Chunks of cheese to snack on. Salad for dinner. I prefer to graze on smaller amounts more often, than eat three large meals.

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THE CONS

It’s bloody expensive

Healthy food is more much expensive to buy than cheap carby things with heft like pasta, bread and rice. Avocados, berries, cheese, meat, nuts, yoghurt and fresh produce can all be pretty pricey, depending on what’s seasonal or not. It feels like I’m spending a shitload more money on food now.

It sucks when you need to exercise

My body loves carbs for exercising and misses them terribly. I’m basically doing my daily run with tree trunks for legs, and everything feels slow and sluggish: like one of those big walking trees from Lord of the Rings. Apparently that feeling only lasts until I’m fat-adapted. Or until Frodo destroys the ring. Or something.

I haven’t really been tracking my weight but last time I checked I was down to 60.4kg. I only want to lose another 2 – 3 kilograms to get to my goal weight (if that’s even possible) so it’s not something that I’m overly concerned about at this stage.

Oh wow, I think that was officially my first ever overshare on Hugzilla. Breaking all the rules this year…

DON’T START THINKING YOU’LL BE SEEING “BEFORE AND AFTER” PICTURES OF ME IN MY KNICKERS, BITCHES. IT’S NEVER GOING TO HAPPEN.

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70 thoughts on “Confessions of a Reformed Carboholic (aka LCHF is Not a 4-Letter Word)

  1. Good on you Hugzy. I’m a big huge fatty who weighs WAY more than 63 kilos because of my cakie/carbs/food addiction. No wonder I got breast cancer. Sigh. I’m off to the dietitian in a few weeks so I’ll ask about this. But I don’t have much belief in myself at the moment because I’m just eating all my feelings. No one tells you how to deal with that…

    Anyway, well done!

    • Oh Ness, the eating of feelings is a tough one, and I’ve been known to do the same. Can’t hurt to run this by the dietician and see what they say. Apparently it can be a bit controversial in those circles, because the orthodoxy for so long has been that fat = bad. Hopefully you guys can work together to come up with something that works for you x

    • Oh yeah, I tried it with the intent of maybe losing a couple of kilograms but am actually staying with it because (other than the running!) I like what it has done for my energy levels and digestion! So it’s not so much about the weight, more that it has stopped me from eating (and craving) lots of processed, sugary crap. LOL! But yes – have to keep my water up too.

  2. I’m trying to give up gluten – I love white bread – apparently it is the devils spawn. No wheat dairy or eggs. Thank god I’m not allergic to almonds or cashews or I’d be totally fecked. No nicker pics for me either. Can’t perfect the pout ;-). Well done Hugzy and best of luck with the continued ‘journey’ (gags on that word). Xx Xx 🙂

  3. This does work! I lost 30 pounds in 4 months doing it. But once I fell “off the wagon” it is so hard to go back. Sugar is more addictive then cocaine (so I’ve read). But, if u can get to the place where you are and stay there, it is a great feeling. I’m working myself up to get back there, but SO hard!! Great read!

  4. If it makes you happy and gives you time to brainstorm inane blog posts then that can only be a good thing (for you and your readers). You’re a stronger woman than I am Zilla! xx

  5. Impressive! You’ve basically outlined what all the doctors and dieticians have told me to do but I have ignored because I am emotionally addicted to junk food. 😭 I know clean eating makes such a positive difference to energy and digestion; never mind the effect on weight… this should be enough motivation for me, but alas, no. I’ll just sit here and jealously admire your resolve while I consume this donut.

  6. I only read to the end of this No Carb diatribe in the hope of actually seeing Before and After bikini shots?? So disappointing!! Ha ha ha!! My friend swears by this way of eating and I’ve watched the weight drop off her as I tuck into another jam donut. Disclaimer: I too hate fad diets but have decided to do a Liver Cleansing diet from next week. Though yours sounds much more fucking palatable than green juices and lentils!

  7. I’m going to give this a crack once I finish the last two breadrolls in the cupboard. I love pasta, love love love it. It’s hard to say goodbye to it, but I always feel better when I do. The LCHF diet sounds a little similar to Sarah Wilson’s diet – when you’re giving up sugar she is encouraging you to eat high fat foods like cheese, bacon, avocado etc. I gave up sugar and formed and addiction to haloumi. Anyway, you’re doing well. Keep it up!

  8. Oh man, good on ya, Hugzilla! I tried no carbs a couple years ago, and I ended up in the worst smash all the bread and cookies in my face shame party ever! Sugar is my evil overlord! I think it’s awesome that it’s working for you – I can really see the benefits. I’d like to give it another try again when I’m in the right headspace.

  9. I’m getting back on the LCHF bandwagon this week. I don’t know if it is sustainable though. Not because I love carbs (I DO) but because it’s bloody expensive and a pain in the arse eating out at times. I’m aiming for a moderate version. I actually do need to lose weight though. I’m baffled as the several people I know doing LCHF are looking to lose weight but are already slim and healthy!? It’s a crazy world!

  10. I’m really curious to see how you go with this. I’m into the everything in moderation philosphy, I try to have less sugar and do feel better when I’m not full of carbs but haven’t cut anything out all together. I say whatever works for you, go for it! BTW probably best that you don’t read my post today then!

    • I was of that belief too, but lately i have been doing some reading as to why the moderation philosophy is ineffective. I do have carbs, just lower than typical amounts and from whole food sources (not pasta or junk food)

  11. I love that you can have these lovely full fat cream desserts in this way of eating. I’m in a fairly limited diet at the moment and still have some carbs in the form of rice based products but one thing I’m really enjoying is saving the animal fat off my roasts and lamb chops etc and making homemade sweet potato chips in the fat. (You can have sweet potato right???). If so then do it! Also, back in my other blog there was a runner dude who used to comment on my running posts who insisted he got faster once he cut the carbs. Let me know if that kicks in!

  12. Lol! You feel like a walking tree! Too funny!
    I actually prefer protein foods to carbs (with the exception of chocolate). I have always suspected a wheat allergy lurks within and I never looked back when I quit breads etc several years ago. You will adapt soon and feel less like something from Lord of the Rings.
    (If this comment goes through to your blog, I will be amazed. I have untold difficulties commenting on your site. Here goes…)

    • Mate, truer words have never been spoken! Yeah the weird thing is that I don’t miss bread at all – I think that was one of the things that really didn’t agree with me, in hindsight.

  13. I had weight loss surgery (3/4 of my stomach removed) about 7wks before PB Event and trying to find stuff to eat (as I’m also coeliac) was a nightmare. Plus I feel sick whenever I eat… but… because I can eat so little at the moment I have to focus on protein. I’m not doing the LCHF thing, but not having many carbs (which were my lifeblood) because I can’t fit the protein in if I do!!!

  14. You wrote the post I didn’t want to write because I couldn’t have written it like you and come away looking sane!! Haha. I’m an LCHF convert too, I did it strictly for 6 weeks and I am currently 2 weeks into my ‘fallen off the wagon’ binge. But I will be returning as soon as this cold fucks off (who wants salad when they’re sick and ahve you read how stressful my life was last week?!). I’m a big fan of a no-grain granola I found for breakfast, it’s changed my life because it is SO EASY TO MAKE. I lost 5kg and 10cm from my waist in those 6 weeks and have probably regained it all in 2 weeks! Haha. But I’ll be back onboard shortly (by fall off the wagon, I mean I’ve had a few sweet treats and a bowl of rice. Nothing crazy!). If you want the breakfast recipe PM me on FB 🙂 And YAY FOR BACON AND CHEESE!

  15. Actually, we don’t eat a lot of bread and pasta in our house. We have also swapped our 7 day a week red meat habit to white meat (fish, pork, chicken) and feel so much better. But we all have sugar cravings, which is hard to combat especially around 3pm. Which I think means I am missing something in this food lifestyle choice.
    Good luck with it all. You are a braver woman than me.

  16. Whatever works to make us feel better … right? And if we lose some weight too – bonus! I’ve heard really good things about LCHF. 🙂

  17. You’re a stronger woman than I, Hugzy! An eating plan like this would be a disaster for me because I’m one of those weirdos that once I know I can’t have something, I want it ALL the time. I’m more of an everything in moderation kind of gal. That said, I had a friend who did Ironman and swore by the LCHF way of eating, he even set up his own little FB group with all his tips, tricks and fave recipes. He lost heaps of weight and was the picture of health and I admit it all sounds very tempting… But only if I can have a side of doughnuts!

  18. Good on you! There’s no way I could sign up for this kind of jazz but a mate of mine loves it and lost a pretty significant amount of weight!

  19. Hubster did a version of LCHF and said it bungs you up real bad (and you thought YOU were oversharing Zilla!). I can’t say I’ve ever contemplated quitting carbs or sugar or anything … I know I need to lose weight (for my health, if not so that my clothes fit again) but I also know from experience I need to start exercising. Don’t hold your breath LOL.

    Visiting from #teamIBOT x

  20. I’ve kinda sorta done it in the past, with reasonable success. I just have to get over my deeply held fear of fats! Perhaps I’ll give it a try, too…. I can’t imagine not craving carbs right now…..

  21. It is the only thing that works I reckon! And giving up booze. I’m about to embark on a program of similar ethos, starting at the end of the month. Gulp.

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