Disclaimer: I swear. Quite a lot.
Disclaimer Part II: I’m not an expert at this shit. Nor do I claim to BE an expert, because I’m not one of those tossers who develops a Machiavellian god-complex because they know how to start a fucking blog. If, after reading the next several paragraphs of inane crap you are interested in this way of eating, go see your doctor or nutritionist or dietician whatever. Don’t just do it because some idiot mummy blogger on the internet says so.
Hello, my name is Melissa Hugzilla and I am a reformed carboholic.
It’s been thirteen days since my last slice of bread.
Something weird happened to me recently. I went away to a blogging conference and came home totally obsessed by the Low Carb High Fat eating philosophy, despite having no prior history of falling for fad diets and no intention whatsoever of starting one.
(Yes, only I could be useless enough to attend a two-day intensive writing and social media conference and emerge from that with an entirely unrelated set of action points about my diet).
Let’s just be clear. I love carbs. I never met a carb that I didn’t like jump straight into bed with on the first date. Lollies, bread, pasta, donuts, chips, crackers, cereal, cake, chocolate, croissants. (Side note: why do all the BEST foods start with a C for CARBS. That’s just C for fucking CRUEL)
So what the heck is this shit and why am I doing it? How on earth did I of all people come to drink the Low Carb Kool-Aid? In short: I came for the weight loss and stayed for the complete annihilation of carbohydrate cravings.
What the fuck is LCHF anyway?
Look, relying on me for accurate and up-to-date information about LCHF is like going to the Daily Telegraph for a compehensive and unbiased political analysis of the Middle East situation. I don’t really know what I’m talking about and it’s highly likely that I’m filling the gaps with facts pulled straight out of my arse. Or Rupert Murdoch’s arse.
Refer again ^^^ to my disclaimer: NOT AN EXPERT.
Anyhoo, here is the “pulled from my arse” summary of LCHF, for those of you too lazy to research it yourself (Side note: you are my people):
LCHF stands for “low carb high fat”. As the name suggests, you are free to eat a shitload of fatty food but you need to avoid high carb foods. You can have all the cheese, eggs, meat and dairy that you want but you need to wean yourself cold turkey off things like bread, pasta, sweets and processed grains etc.
Basically you cut out as many carbs and sugars as you can, eat plenty of fat to fill you up and throw in adequate portions of meat and vegetables. There’s science behind it and shit. I have no idea if it’s any good. Look it up. (Recall my earlier point about disregarding authoritative statements from idiot mummy bloggers)
I’m a couple of weeks in, it hasn’t been hard, and I don’t miss carbs at all.
In fact, I have ZERO sugar or carb cravings.
WHAT KIND OF EVIL SORCERY IS THIS?
Why the fuck am I doing it?
Let’s be honest, this is a midlife crisis thing because I am turning 40 at the end of the year. Men buy sports cars and flirt with women half their age. I bought a pair of Doc Marten boots and am trying to get back to the weight I was in university, in a desperate attempt to recapture my youth.
I NEED TO SHOW THAT I’VE STILL GOT IT, YES?
(What is “IT”? Youth, swagger, vanity, complete self-delusion? Who the fuck knows. Whatever “IT” is, I WANT it. Preferably before the end of December)
I started doing Lite n Easy earlier in the year when I hit 63.1 kilograms, and got bored with it a few months later. That boredom coincided with the blogging conference I mentioned earlier, and one of the attendees was a friend of mine who shared her LCHF journey with me. (Yes, I just said JOURNEY, motherfuckers. Suck it)
In short she felt great, had lost a lot of weight and within two days had totally inspired me to try LCHF. That’s basically how it went down. I suspect there must also have been some sort of food-spiking involved, because I am typically not vulnerable to wellness guru bullshit or cult-like fad diets.
What the fuck happened?
I feel better
First things first. I feel better, and this seems to suit my digestive system pretty well – no more bloaty carb babies for me. (In the interests of transparency I am in perfect health, have no chronic medical conditions and am not taking any regular medication, so I should be feeling pretty fucking good anyway).
I feel full and satisfied
This way of eating makes me feel sated. Satisfied. Full. When eating carbs I always had this gnawing sense of hunger and the constant need to find my next hit. I don’t feel like that now. The food I eat fills me up for extended periods and I don’t think about food much at all now. This gives me lots of time to brainstorm inane blog posts.
My carb cravings are completely gone
This is the miracle for me. I don’t crave carbs and I don’t miss them. I can cook hot chips for the boys and not be tempted. I can go to the supermarket and not make a deliberate trip down the chocolate aisle. My carb and sugar cravings are totally gone. It’s not even a question of willpower, because my willpower is SHIT.
It suits my lazy-grazer style
I hate cooking and I like that this way of eating lends itself to grazing on simple foods if that’s all I feel like. A handful of nuts here. Bacon and eggs there. A bowl of Greek yoghurt with berries. Chunks of cheese to snack on. Salad for dinner. I prefer to graze on smaller amounts more often, than eat three large meals.
It’s bloody expensive
Healthy food is more much expensive to buy than cheap carby things with heft like pasta, bread and rice. Avocados, berries, cheese, meat, nuts, yoghurt and fresh produce can all be pretty pricey, depending on what’s seasonal or not. It feels like I’m spending a shitload more money on food now.
It sucks when you need to exercise
My body loves carbs for exercising and misses them terribly. I’m basically doing my daily run with tree trunks for legs, and everything feels slow and sluggish: like one of those big walking trees from Lord of the Rings. Apparently that feeling only lasts until I’m fat-adapted. Or until Frodo destroys the ring. Or something.
I haven’t really been tracking my weight but last time I checked I was down to 60.4kg. I only want to lose another 2 – 3 kilograms to get to my goal weight (if that’s even possible) so it’s not something that I’m overly concerned about at this stage.
Oh wow, I think that was officially my first ever overshare on Hugzilla. Breaking all the rules this year…
DON’T START THINKING YOU’LL BE SEEING “BEFORE AND AFTER” PICTURES OF ME IN MY KNICKERS, BITCHES. IT’S NEVER GOING TO HAPPEN.