The Creepy AF Things Parents Do That Would Otherwise Get Us Arrested

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Disclaimer: Give me an F! Give me a U! Give me a C! Give me a K! What does it spell? It spells trouble for people who aren’t comfortable with profanity. Soz dudes, there’s swears in here. Just a heads up.

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Question: What do you call someone who sneaks into your room at night to watch you sleep, is obsessed with the sound of your breathing and curates a growing collection of your discarded body parts with all the enthusiasm of a true fetishist?

Answer: A psychopath.

WRONG.

The correct answer is: “A parent”.

Don’t believe me? Here is a bunch of stuff us parents do that would seem positively creepy if we did them with anyone other than our kids:

  1. We stand over our kids and watch them as they sleep

Remember that fucked-up scene from Paranormal Activity where the zombie-like figure of a woman stands watch over her sleeping partner? Parents INVENTED that shit. We creep into our children’s bedrooms at night just to watch them sleep. Why? Who the fuck knows, but it’s probably because they’re at their most appealing when they are semi-catatonic with slumber. They can’t talk smack, they can’t whinge for snacks and they can’t stare daggers at you because you’ve just confiscated the iPad. All of this makes them very sweet. Us, on the other hand? Stalkerish and creepy af. Try doing that at your ex-boyfriend’s house without getting arrested.

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  1. We like listening to them breathe

I am the least soppy and/or sentimental parent ever. I don’t cry at major milestones, I forget to take photos of important shit and I certainly don’t practise scrapbooking or anything that might reveal I care too deeply about my kids. Having said that, the sound of my children breathing is my favourite sound in the entire world. It’s better than a bartender calling “Free drinks”. It’s better than unicorns farting over rainbows. It’s even better than Pavement’s “Crooked Rain, Crooked Rain”, which is my favourite album of all time and the most perfect thing ever committed to vinyl. I never thought I’d be the sort of sappy shitheel who says “your breathing is my favourite sound in the world”, but there it is. Drop that into the conversation on a first date and see how well you go. He’ll be out the door before the napkin hits your fanny.

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  1. We collect their used body parts 

One of the creepiest things that parents do is collect their kids’ unused body parts. From shrivelled-up umbilical cord stumps, to locks of infant hair and tiny baby teeth, parents have this creepy compulsion to hoard the biological material of their offspring. I’ve even heard of people collecting their kid’s nail clippings, which sends me spiralling straight to “Dry Retch” on the hard-working “Gross-O-Meter”. This sort of shit plays out in a very strange way, and is the kind of thing you’d normally only ever see on an episode of CSI: Serial Killer. It’s weird and gross and creepy and I have NO FUCKING IDEA why I am holding on to one of my 6 years old’s front teeth. But I can’t bring myself to throw it out.

  1. NUDIE CUDDLES!!!!

Pre-bath nudie cuddles are a long-held tradition around here, and it’s the sort of thing that would normally have you all arrested if it played out in public. You have a gaggle of kids gleefully running around the house with no clothes on, like a bunch of drunken frat boys who have just discovered their penises for the very first time. There’s lots of skipping and jumping and flopping of willies and slapping of bottoms going on. Time gets called before one of them falls face-first into the coffee table, everyone has big squishy bear hugs and then the kids get thrown into the drunk-tank bathtub to soak it off. Nudie cuddles are the bomb. Don’t try it at the work Christmas party.

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  1. We handle their bodily fluids and excretions with aplomb

Hands up who has ever voluntarily caught a fellow commuter’s vomit? Nope. Didn’t think so. Wearing the shit, vomit, snot and piss of another human being is part of the deal when you become a parent, and it all somehow becomes cool bananas. There must be some sort of primordial wiring at the back of our mummy brains to explain this, because I’m running for the spew bucket every time some other fucker loses his guts down the front or the back of his pants. Oh and for the record, I DID become one of those mothers who uses handfuls of her own saliva to clean their kid’s face. Try explaining that one to HR when Kevin from accounts has left-over pizza sauce in the corner of his mouth.

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70 thoughts on “The Creepy AF Things Parents Do That Would Otherwise Get Us Arrested

  1. I see your nudie cuddles and I raise you the nudie run. This takes place after the bath, when my daughter runs laps around the house naked and we all clap and cheer and yell out “WOOO HOOO NUDIE! NUDIE GIRL! WOOOOOOO! ” Not creepy at all…

  2. I totally watch my son sleep…because I’m amazed that he is finally a-fucking-sleep and that we both made it through the day without any deaths. Some days I am just in awe that I made this person, especially because he’s 7 and almost as tall as me.

  3. This had me laughing out loud. When you say it like that, it sounds so wrong but I guess when you’re a parent, it feels so right!

  4. Heh heh…I found a pile of teeth that I’d just chucked in a drawer at night thinking I’d throw them out in the morning (in the outside bin so the kids couldn’t find them) but never did. It was disgusting…they’re binned now. Ick!

  5. Hysterical. And yes I love watching them sleep because it is peaceful lol

    Even though mine know I am the tooth fairy now my 11 brings me the teeth after they fall out and likes to add them to my collection (which being a second child like I was is incomplete compared to her sister’s container)

  6. Bahaha – totally number 4 and 5. We love a nudie run/nudie cuddles in our house and our boys {aged two and three and a half often shower with Daddy – as it is just easier then Mummy giving them a bath at 35 weeks pregnant with number three}. When my Mum mentioned something about my husband showering the boys the other day, a friend of hers thought it was unusual – lucky Mum didn’t mention that then they all run around naked after said shower {well when it’s just the four of us and my Mum isn’t there}.

    • Heck yeah, I’m all about the nudie cuddles too! And PS can’t believe that anyone would think that was an odd thing to do? Your kids are still bubbas as far as I’m concerned… But I’m a big old softie I guess…

    • Bet she was using it to perform some weird witchcraft. I’m still waiting for the memo on what the fuck to do with the ones that I’m holding onto… Surely there’s a reason we do this crazy shit…

  7. When my sister and I were younger we discovered the truth about the Tooth Fairy because we found all of our old teeth in film canisters in Mum’s bedside table (because we of course were snooping!). I’m pretty sure she still has some of our teeth and her youngest is 24 (and I’m the oldest at 34, so 34-year-old teeth!!!). I just know I am going to do the same thing, lol!

    At bath time we have the nudie run before and after, and the girls run around screaming “Call the Police! There’s a naked bottom on the loose!”. It’s super cute!

  8. Plenty of nakedness here pre-bath time. In fact the youngest, whose just turned two, has even taken to slapping his own butt and shoving his butt in his brother’s faces. Charming! No watching kids sleep though, they are all such rotten sleepers that I dare not do a single thing that might mess with that.

  9. This reminded me of Carolyn from Champagne Cartel who takes crazy snapchat photos next to her son while he’s sleeping!!! (Love your work, C). Meanwhile, we love the nudie hugs here. They’re the bomb.

  10. Cannot handle the body fluids but obviously have when I had to! I still have MY baby tooth because Mum put it in a special keepsake and then it got passed on to me. Sheesh…a 60 year old tooth. I used to watch ours sleeping on Christmas morning and will them to wake up because “I” was ready for the surprises they’d see!! Denyse #teamIBOT

  11. So true. All these and the fact this peace loving girl would quickly turn into an axe wielding psychopath should anyone threaten my boys. Parenting definitely changes us!

  12. Hahaha – you always make me laugh (and I really needed a laugh tonight – so thanks!). I still have the fallen off, shriveled up bit of umbilical cord from all of my babies! Creepy parent or what? 😉

  13. Yesssssss! Yes to watching them sleep and listening to them breathe.
    I reckon I’ve got enough of my kid’s curly blonde locks to start making a blanket. I don’t know how to crochet but I reckon I could crochet the shit out of that! Or maybe I should make him a toupee in case he goes bald? Hmmmmm…

  14. Considering that most things that we consider creepy are creepy exactly because they are out of their correct context, it does not surprise me in the slightest that parents to things that, in other circumstances, would be creepy as hell.

  15. I’ve got the umbilical cord stump peg thing and the lock of hair, eagerly waiting for the first teeth to add to the collection . . . (still got my own wisdom teeth rattling around somewhere and only threw out my jarred tonsils a few years ago). Rudie Nudieness is the height of hilarity in our house, although it has led to my daughter dropping her dacks in Bunnings to ask if I can see a bare bum? Cue hasty discussion about how bums are kept in pants when out and about.

  16. My 4 year old has the cutest little bum. Fairly certain that I would be arrested if I patted a random bloke on the bum the way I do him!

    When we have a shower together (also creepy), we get naked and do “The Bum Bum Dance” while we wait for the shower to warm up. The family that bum dances together…..

  17. I just asked my Mum about my baby teeth and she wisely told me ” Some things you keep and some things you don’t!” Well played Mum!! Nudie hugs with the kids is always a good laugh. They’re the kids that always strip off in public and you have to whisper “They’re from the country… Just like they’re father!!” Lol! xx

  18. I found your article funny just like your header image. It was also full of insight. (Eww some people collect their kids’ nail clippings). Mostly, it made me think of my mom; she’s not sentimental either but shows she cares in many other ways.

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