The shit thing about being a parent is that you can’t tell dickheads to fuck off

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Disclaimer: My parents didn’t raise me right so I swear a lot. 

The number of dickheads in the world doesn’t decrease when you become a parent. In fact, due to a number of not-unrelated factors like sleep deprivation, boredom, boundary creep and extreme fatigue there seems – if anything – to be MORE of them once you’re carting a couple of small kids around with you.

When you become a parent it’s generally agreed that you’re expected to model socially-appropriate behaviour at all times, particularly when dealing with random dickheads. This is called “role modelling”, and it’s just one of the many ways in which having kids totally cramps our uniquely-flawed style.

I mean, it’s all for good reason. I want to tell fuckwits to fuck off as much as the next person, but I’m all about teaching my kids impulse control and emotional intelligence and the kind of conflict resolution strategies that don’t see them in court-mandated anger management classes by the time they hit their mid-30s.

My golden rules? Remain calm. Pick your battles. Be polite-but-firm. Don’t provoke. Don’t escalate. Keep your sense of humour.

It’s all very boring and responsible, and far less satisfying than the catharsis of letting someone know in very uncertain terms that they are being a syphillitic knob of the highest order.

I was confronted with this the other day, when I came across a duo of dickheads on my way to the supermarket. The trouble started after I legally parked in front of somebody’s house, and was promptly confronted by two harried looking suburban mums with Humvee-sized prams and scowls wider than c-section scars.

Those scowls were for me.

I live in a sleepy semi-rural suburb. Finding a parking spot ranks lower in the list of community concerns than being gored by rogue kookaburras, bored to death by polite anecdotes from your elderly neighbours or fighting hordes of local mummies for one of the SIX packets of new season Shopkins being stocked by the shithouse Country Target.

(Seriously Country Target, eat a dick. Your entire shitty business model relies on taunting people with products you will not and do not ever intend to stock. It’s like going to a brothel and finding out they only offer handshakes and hi-fives. YOU SELL DISAPPOINTMENT. SHAME ON YOU)

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Anyhoo, so the short version of the story is that I parked in front of somebody’s house and they didn’t like it.

Them: ** sneers** Are you going to be long?

Me: No, I’m only ducking in for five minutes.

Fantasy Me: THAT’S NONE OF YOUR FUCKING BUSINESS.

Them: **frowns** Well, I’ve got people coming over….

Me: ** sarcasm** Well, I’m not going to be long.

Fantasy Me: I CAN PARK WHEREVER THE FUCK I WANT.

Them: **synchronised eyerolls and sanctimonious tutting **

Me: **bites tongue furiously **

**thinks** Think of the children, think of the children, think of the children….

Fantasy Me: CHILL THE FUCK OUT, PLAYGROUP MAFIA. ROLL YOUR EYES AT ME ONE MORE TIME AND I WILL TEAR THEM OUT AND TURN THEM INTO FROZEN-THEMED CAKE TOPPERS AND THEY’LL BE ANNA ONES INSTEAD OF ELSA, SO YOUR BRATTY KID WILL CRY AT THEIR BIRTHDAY PARTY AND HATE YOU FOREVER.

<end scene> 

Just to clarify:

  • I was parked legally
  • I wasn’t blocking her driveway
  • There were other spaces available in front of her large corner block
  • The rest of the street was empty of cars and looked something like this

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So, in summary: she was being a grade-A fucking DICK.

But of course, I’m not going to say that in front of impressionable little ears. I was never going to allow my little run-in with the Sanctimonious Grimace Twins to be anything more than a brief non-event in my kids’ lives and a slightly less brief blog post entry for my own cathartic pleasure.

It’s not that I don’t think anger or outrage can be valid, healthy responses to certain situations. They can, and sometimes they’re necessary. But anger certainly isn’t healthy in trivial incidents and it’s definitely become an over-used hammer in the toolbox of human interaction – five minutes on the internet will tell you that.

So, like Elsa… I unclenched my spiritual butt cheeks and let that shit go…

Well kind of… When we got back to the car one of her guests had just pulled up behind me so I made sure that I faffed about for several minutes in order to keep them waiting for my spot. Passive-aggressive me for the pathetic win.

BWAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA…

I mean, I might be a good role model but I’m not a fucking saint. And my kids were none the wiser….

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57 thoughts on “The shit thing about being a parent is that you can’t tell dickheads to fuck off

  1. Our elderly neighbour (may she rest in peace) would leave notes on cars who dared park in front of her house. In her defence, her days were spent on the front verendah, feeding magpies and monitoring the street so perhaps she needed an unobscured view.

  2. Oh I love me a Hugzy turn of phrase, “wo harried looking suburban mums with Humvee-sized prams and scowls wider than c-section scars” hahaha…
    Serious restraint showed there.
    Um, our elderly passive aggressive neighbour leaves a witches hat out front of his house while he’s out so people won’t park in “his” spot. He has a drive way but he prefers parking not he street. Can you come up with a Hugzy turn of phrase for him?

  3. Grrr. I just left a really good. looooong comment and it froze and did stupid stuff. You’ll just have to imagine what I said. It was very complimentary. Your quips are legendary and from now on anyone who annoys me will be called a syphillitic knob of the highest order. LOllllllllll.

  4. bravo. as the mother of three boys (all now mostly grown or runed socially by their older siblings), we tout that mantra daily….. DONT BE A DICK.

  5. This is by far the best thing I’ve read all day! I was being snubbed by a lady at story time the other day and sincerely wanted to tell her what a fucktard she was, but refrained. Fortunately, I give a really good “fuck off” look and my kids were clueless!

  6. HAAAAA!!!! I have lolled so heartily at that! You have the best restraint. I don’t. Well I do sometimes but my kids have been witness to their mother being completely mental and loosing it. They seem fine and these stories are often told around the dinner table with much guffawing now they are grown up!! 😘😂😂😂

  7. I hope you also took your sweet time doing whatever errand you had to do while out of the car, I would have seen it as an opportunity for a leisurely coffee / lunch / “what the hell, kids, let’s go to the playground!” excursion.

  8. Bahaha. The Anna/Elsa line. BAHAHA! (Also, I would have said that I wouldn’t be long and then taken HOURS. Because why not? x

  9. You can add Champion Tongue Biter to your CV now – what self restraint. It’s not that hard to be a dick, clearly she with the Humvee-sized pram didn’t get the memo! PS Welcome back, I really missed you!

  10. So, like don’t get me wrong here but like, this is a small town and they know your car…oooohhh aaaahhhh .

    You did really well to stay in control and look, BLOG post for the win!!

    Denyse xx

  11. My Dad has gone into a nursing home. It’s been a really stressful time as he had to go through life-saving surgery in a city several hours drive away first, and come here by ambulance. I had only been there twice and on the third time tried to find the entry staff told me about that was closer to Dad’s room to save me all the walking because of my arthritis. (There is parking there). I accidentally took a wrong turn just before the correct one which meant I ended up outside a lady’s home. She had a big sign out there which said No Parking. I wasn’t going to park and immediately reversed. She came out and started yelling at me. I apologised and said I had made an honest mistake and gotten lost, and was leaving (as she could have seen). She tutted at me and shook her head, and was still yelling as I left. It probably happens to her a lot but I wasn’t freaking parking there. Could she have taken a minute to think people visiting people in nursing homes might be going through a stressful time themselves? (Her home is near the nursing home, so assume she is perfectly in possession of her faculties). Some people are just mean!

  12. Country Target is pretty crap and I bet they would only stock Anna stuff instead of Elsa stuff just because, as you say, they are a store full of disappointment! BTW, did I ever tell you about our ex-nextdoor neighbour who would come over without fail, whenever we had visitors? The first time was the day we MOVED IN with a removal truck and friends helping us move. He would always come over, whenever someone parked even a millimetre onto his side of his front lawn, and ask us to move the car because he was mowing his lawn. Even on the day we were moving in. He was a knob.

    • Oh god, he sounds like a total nightmare. I was so worried when we moved here that we would have dickhead neighbours – it’s the one thing you can’t control. Thankfully for us, they are awesome.

  13. I love this! And I can totally relate to it. I’m so glad my boys are grown and on their own because there are times where the fantasy me just takes over and the filter is GONE. I’m not mean or nasty…..just tactfully bitchy to those types. I always taught my boys that attitude begets attitude…..so if I am “beggeted” attitude, I give it right back–unless it’ll land me in legal trouble. haha

  14. I like to use my kids as weapons of passive aggressive destruction.
    “Look mum there’s litter, someone littered, that’s litter on the ground!”
    “Well yes my darling that is some litter. Some people are just too lazy to find a bin. Litterers are horrible, disrespectful, LAZY people my darling, we don’t want to be litterers…”

    Said quite loudly as the litter-bug-in-question slinks off down the street…

  15. Seriously?? That’s just crazy shit! Man I live right in Sydney and traffic road rage here is out of control, I put my blinker on last night to change lanes and this asshole would barely let me over, I had to eventually speed up more than the speed limit to get the few inches I needed to safely change lanes in front of him and then he BEEPED at me! I swore like a truck driver!!

  16. You are much more constrained than I would be – I’d probably start arguing about parking regulations (the problems of knowing the rules). But much better the way you handled it!

  17. Ok so we have a great tree out the front of our house and I hate it when people park there. But I only mentally curse them!
    The only time I truly hated them was when the ex people across the street would have BMW owner only (I wish I was making that up) parties twice a year and on their guests way back to their cars they would leave booze bottles and vomit in our front yard cos their car was parked there. Thank fuck they moved.
    I am completely and utterly impatient with tradies and one set of current asshole neighbours who do deliberately block my driveway though from time to time. I sit in my car, block the street (I mean it’s a quiet street so that part is just wishful thinking) and honk until someone clears space and they get my death stare and never do it again. Unless they’re the idiot neighbours who want to be friends with everyone so that they can use them, cos that’s the big vibe they put off and what the fuck was I talking about again?
    Oh yeah, great analogy for Target Country! I live like 30km from a capital city and we have a fucking Target Country. It’s awful little store with fuck all in it.

  18. Oh you are good to keep your cool. I would be ready to blow my top. Just the other day when we were at Centennial Park some dicks felt it was their business that my boys were playing with a branch and decided to complain about how they were ruining the tree. You wouldn’t believe what his reasoning was..
    “If my dog has to be kept leashed why should your children ruin trees…” Er, what the? I so wanted to go over there and rip him to shreds but my husband hushed me down. “The KIDS! Think of the KIDS!” Ugh!!!
    So instead I just kept repeating in a loud voice shit like, “Wow, I really should leash my kids up!!! How dare they play happily in this park!!”
    My husband was NOT happy…
    Sanctimonious dicks can just…

  19. I bow to you and your self restraint hun… i probably would have been teaching my kids a lesson in how NOT to deal with dickheads. Seriously save your eyerolls people – parking in front of your house is a bother? Oh fuck me!!!

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