Reality TV often feels like an accelerated race to the bottom of the deepest, darkest black hole. Just when you think it can’t go any lower, you discover a parallel universe* where game shows feature scantily-dressed women giving hand jobs to male karaoke contestants, in order to make them fuck up the lyrics**.
(*Not a parallel universe)
(**Yes, it’s real and it’s a Japanese game show called Killer Karaoke. Weep with me)
If you think the western world hit peak-cringe at Naked Dating then you’ve got another thing coming, because it’s only going to get worse. I figure it’s inevitable, so we might as well embrace it – here are seven crass new offerings that we need to see on our screens:
1.. First Shag (First Date)
Why spend an hour watching couples fumble their way through painfully boring dinner dates when we could be watching them fumble their way through sex instead? First Date becomes First Shag, an exquisitely awkward adventure in sexual etiquette. Does she wax her fanny? What does his penis look like? Can he get it up for hairy muff? Who remembered contraception? Can he go the distance? Is her orgasm fake or real? Does he stay the night? Will she sneak out for the midnight walk of shame? So many questions…
2. Shotgun Wedding at First Sight (Married at First Sight)
If the hetero-centric Married At First Sight wasn’t obnoxious enough, Shotgun Wedding at First Sight takes the concept one step further. As the title implies, not only does the groom get to meet his future wife for the first time at the altar, he is also subjected to the shock of being informed that this strange new person is pregnant with his artificially-inseminated child. Skim a few extra swimmers off the top of that sperm sample taken for pre-show STD testing, and BAM – you now have a Maury Povich-style shock reveal on your hands.
3. Meet, Disrobe, Fuck (Kiss, Bang, Love)
We’ve recently discovered that reality TV hopefuls will happily throw themselves tongue-first into a conga line of complete strangers for a pashfest orgy, in order to find “true love”. Time to up the ante… Meet, Disrobe, Fuck requires contestants to do three things: walk into a room, remove their clothing and have sex with someone they’ve never met. All of this will be done before a team of crack scientists from the Garnier Laboratory, who will offer glib commentary about the couple’s compatibility in an effort to lend gravitas to the pointless voyeuristic fuckfest unfolding on-screen.
4. Mark Tank (Shark Tank)
It’s widely known that Mark Latham loves to throw himself into a good panel discussion, particularly if it means he can ponficate on topics that would best be left to people with higher than amoeba-grade intelligence. The premise of this show? Mark gets invited to lend his mansplaining skills to an all-male panel on “Women: Why They Suck” but – SURPRISE – gets thrown into a shark tank full of scuba-diving left-feminists instead. In a further shock twist, they are all armed with spearfishing poles. Mark Tank. Brutal.
5. Pimp My Bride (Pimp My Ride)
Pimp My Bride takes the blushing bride-to-be and blings her up with a bodyful of plastic surgery upgrades. Each bride is customised to the interests of her partner, so if he’s an ass afficionado she will roll off the production line with a newly-plump booty. From fake tits through to lipo, new veneers and a face full of fillers, the new model is finally revealed to her awestruck husband-to-be. But here’s the twist… The newly-pimped bride gets to decide whether she stays with her current finance (who is now punching well above his weight) or leave his sorry ass to hook up with someone way hotter.
6. I’m a Celebrity, Please Kill Me (I’m a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here)
Imagine The Hunger Games for C-List celebrities… Instead of lolling around camp all day recounting tedious anecdotes from their glory days, each celebrity is sent to the diary room, handed a weapon and given specific orders to hunt down and kill everyone on set who has a Wikipedia entry. The tucker trials will continue but contestants might be expected to guzzle down a fresh bucket of “Peter Andre Entrails”, instead of the usual selection of jungle cockroach smoothies. The last person standing gets to enter the Witness Protection Program and never be heard from again. Everyone wins.
7. The Famewhore and The Famewhorette (The Bachelor)
Everyone knows that The Bachelor contestants aren’t in it for love, but for the love of fame. The Famewhore and The Famewhorette do away with the silly illusion that contestants are looking for a life partner, exempting them from the pretence of choosing their “one true love”, marrying them and separating six months later with a six-figure magazine spread, their own lifestyle blog and regular appearances at B-list red carpet events. The Famewhore/ette is essentially 12 episodes of the titular contestant handing out red roses to themself and masturbating with one of Bert Newton’s old Gold Logies.
And just to close with little sneak peak at Doodlebox… People watching people watching television while they masturbate on the couch. It’s so fucking meta that I want to explode. Pass the lube.