Four Vital Body Parts That Pregnancy Fucks Up Forever

Screen Shot 2016-04-04 at 4.01.29 pm

It’s widely-known that pregnancy messes with your head. The combination of severe body discomfort and fluctuating hormones makes you do some truly nutty things, like naming your firstborn son after Carrie Bradshaw’s boyfriend in Sex and the City. Or running away from home and setting up a makeshift camp at the local park with a bottle of Mt Franklin and a box of Pizza Shapes BECAUSE UPSET. Or weeping snotty tears in public when We Built This City by Starship comes onto your iPod shuffle*.

(* all real examples, lamentably)

Brain aside, there are four other body parts that pregnancy fucks up forever:

1. Your boobs

I have a little pep talk that I like to deliver to newly-pregnant women of the primigravida variety (that’s first-time preggos, for the peanut gallery).

“ZOMG WOW! Congratulations!!”

*brief hug*

“Go and take a photo of your tits.”

*puzzled glance*

“Go and take a photo of your tits. RIGHT NOW. They will never be this magnificent again”.

No one ever believes me, the same way that I scoffed at the inconsiderate buffoon (aka my husband) who taunted me with grim warnings about droopy hooters and the pencil test in my first pregnancy.

MY magnificent boobs were not going to fall prey to this. It was impossible.

“Dude, I’m a B cup. These perky little bitches will be slave to no man’s gravity”.

The pencil test entails sticking a 2B under your boobs to see how saggy they are (I feel like I need to insert one of those super-obvious warnings here, like DO NOT SLAM FACE INTO CERAMIC HOTPLATE WHILST IN OPERATION, but you guys are smart, yes? Anyway, just in case: DO NOT STAB YOURSELF IN THE TIT).

If your breasts can hold the horizontal pencil in place while your husband points and laughs and struts around the room looking as pleased with himself as a masturbating bonobo ape, that’s peer-reviewed proof of droopage right there.

So, I was naïve and arrogant and very WRONG to think that my once-magnificent boobs were any more special than anyone else’s. People often think that breastfeeding ruins your breasts, but that’s a widely-held misconception – it’s those fucking pregnancy hormones that do the first damage.

Welcome to Sagsville. Population: 2

Screen Shot 2016-04-04 at 4.06.51 pm

2. Your feet 

You’ve spent your entire adult life not growing, because that’s kind of what being an adult entails: arrested development. That gets flipped on its head when you become pregnant, because everything starts growing again. Your belly. Your hair. Your booty. Your pelvic cavity. Your credit card debt. Your fear of the future. Your feet.

Your. fucking. FEET.

When your days of being a foetal incubator are just a distant memory, your feet will still remain a half or whole size bigger than they used to be. The pregnancy hormone relaxin is the culprit here, because it loosens all the joints and ligaments in your feet, making them longer, wider and flatter.

The development of hobbit feet is one of the more random body changes that takes place during pregnancy, and seems to have no biological function other than to totally fuck with you, because your entire wardrobe of expensive designer footwear no longer fits any more.

And the best news? It’s permanent!

You can toss those sexy Jimmy Choo slingbacks down the charity-bin chute – time to upgrade to size 10 Homy Ped sandals with built-in arch support.

Screen Shot 2016-04-04 at 4.03.58 pm

3. Your pelvic floor

Depressing truth-bomb: all those light bladder-leakage commercials featuring middle-aged women in lycra bike shorts are actually true. Things may not get quite as dire as the bike shorts suggest, but you are literally going to piss yourself with wearying regularity once pregnancy is done with you, so you might as well be rocking a lycra camel-toe because your humiliation is already 100% complete.

Think of your pelvic floor as a mortar. And the 40 week-old foetus as a pestle. Then replace “pestle” with “jackhammer” and try to imagine how fucked up that mortar is going to be when you go to town on it with an industrial-grade power tool. It’s not gonna hold shit. And it’s certainly not going to hold your piss.

Keep doing those kegels, but I guarantee that your enjoyment of the following activities will be vastly less-satisfying after giving birth:

  • Jumping on the trampoline
  • Aerobics classes
  • Running and skipping
  • Star jumps and burpees
  • Laughing too vigorously
  • Sneezing too loudly
  • Coughing, vomiting and blowing your nose

There is no greater indignity than pissing yourself while you vomit – particularly if you are completely sober at the time. Keep squeezing, ladies.

Screen Shot 2016-04-04 at 4.44.37 pm

4. Your belly

Saddest of all is the mess that pregnancy makes of your belly. When I realised that I could actually tuck my post-pregnancy tummy flap into low-rise jeans, I knew it was time to go shopping. I kid you not, the young sales assistant took one look at me and squealed “Oooh, you should try our tummy-tucking jeans”, before man-handling me over to the section with all the stretchy denim and armpit-high waistbands. Burn.

Saggy skin, bloated love handles, abdominal separation – my once proud belly has more in common with a sticky mound of uncooked baker’s dough than I would ever care to admit (throw in the stretch marks and I could easily be mistaken for a life-sized loaf of tiger bread).

Aaaand this is the part where I’m meant to throw in the obligatory BUT IT’S ALL TOTALLY WORTH IT! Yeah. Alright. I guess so. They’re loveable little buggers I s’pose, so it’s a fair trade. I do miss those boobs though.

 

Advertisements

66 thoughts on “Four Vital Body Parts That Pregnancy Fucks Up Forever

  1. I’ve never pissed myself while vomiting but I’ve pissed myself bouncing on a trampoline! Ours, thankfully, not Air Factory’s. I’m looking for the positives here.

  2. My five year old just busted me attempting the pencil test. That was an interesting one to explain 🙂 Yep, my old body ain’t what it’s used to. The whole peeing while you’re vomiting thing is cruel beyond belief. sob.

  3. Hahahahahaha first of all I am sitting her doing my pelvic floor exercise since making it to that point in the post. Thank you? I guess… And yes, the titties. *sigh* Mine were glorious. Were. They did recover more than I expected prior to this second pregnancy but never to their former glory. I see teens strutting around in their bikini at the beach and I just sigh these days. I am not ruling out a boob lift once I’m done procreating. No silicone, just removal of excess skin. Is that even possible??? I hope so!

  4. You don’t have to have had a baby to pass the pencil test, enormoboobs will do the trick just as nicely! Another cracker – I never knew about the feet! It’s true what they say, you learn something new every day!

  5. Ahhh you always make me laugh! So very bloody true – photograph the girls girls!! lol Actually it would be my stomach that has faired the worst and yes my feet grew by half a shoe size. No-one told me that!!!

  6. My feet were always pretty fugly, as everyone likes to point out but during pregnancy they started growing hair. Great long, wispy strands of it and black so you couldn’t miss it. Then the Hobbit came out and really I should have auditioned. I could be famous. Now I just spend my time shaving because waxing almost makes me pass out.

  7. Ok, so I was totally unaware of the pencil test, though I am going to have to use a ruler anyway, these babies have gone way south, and what the hell is wrong with Homy Peds? They make some real sexy models 🙂
    PS. 19 year old daughter is standing behind me wanting to know how it is I don’t know about the pencil test, and then reassures me, it’s ok because she would need a keno pencil to measure hers 🙂

  8. You should be like a pregnancy Dr or something. Because these are all true!! I was a B cup too, and still am. They are just a little less perksville though. I haven’t heard of the pencil test, but there is really no need for me to do it. I know already 😦

  9. The feet thing – so it’s a thing! I have not imagined this at all! I don’t feel so cut up about it because I started off a size 5 (those buggers had room to grow haha), but I do sincerely miss my beautiful little blue kitten heels that everyone ALWAYS complimented and those gorgeous bootie heels I had only worn ONCE!
    PS My kid is 4 now. I should probably get over it 😂

  10. I wonder how many of us attempted the pencil test after reading this? I would, but I can’t be bothered getting my bra off only to put it back on again. Remember when going braless was a viable option? Sigh. Those were the days.

  11. Oh fuck me dead lady… the ruined pelvic floor!! It is alive and well! I was all fucking smug after the first two- I’d look at those LBL ads and be like ‘that’s never happened to me’ and now the third has ruined me. RUINED. Trampolining ain’t the same. Nor are star jumps. Why was I doing star jumps you ask? Good fucking question. I haven’t got a respectable answer. I didn’t even have boobs to begin with, and now I am the proud owner of saggy triangles. It’s a sad state. And ‘We Built This City’ brings me to tears every time too. I’m with you sista. x

  12. I learnt the hard way not to jumping a trampoline after having three babies. On a trampoline at MONA, you know, the trendy art gallery in Hobart.

  13. Yep, yep, yep & yep. I must admit, my biggest post-pregnancy disappointment was that I didn’t get anything extra in the boob department. I can only console myself with the reality that at least my boobs will never sag enough to hold anything under them, let alone a pencil!

  14. Urgh my feet are the only things that survived intact. I say as I shove a giant chocolate bunny in my mouth and wonder why my stomach never sprang back to normal size.

  15. Yep, this old grey mare ain’t what she used to be and the blame can be laid squarely at the ENORMOUS heads of my children. Awesome summation of the truth as usual! PS who is this lithe woman revelling in the ‘joyous journey’ of pregnancy at the beach?? I hate her a little but only because in comparison I looked like a drunk albino hippo when I was that pregnant.

  16. Sigh. I once attempted a downward dog and my shirt flipped up but not enough to cover my eyes from my stomach skin forming itself into a bassett hound in real time. Fucking traumatising.

  17. Laughing so hard. Love the jackhammer and mortar and pestle analogy. I had C-sections so I’m pretty good at holding my whizz in, but I have a huge tummy flap. I could smuggled food under there.

  18. Don’t hate me… my boobs are actually better after. They grew from a 10B to a 16DD when I gave birth then settled at a 12D afterwards. Pretty sure there isn’t much sagging going on either {don’t quote me though I haven’t done the pencil test}. Even if there is… I so don’t care because hello, I managed to get a D out of it. I tried to grow my boobs all my life with no luck, turns out I just needed to have a baby. Kind of makes all the infertility shit worth it in the end… oh yea and the baby did too of course. As for the rest of my body, that’s pretty much gone to shit.

  19. Cunning old Mother Nature has us fooled. Me too, all those years ago. As the song goes, I was busting out all over and proud of it. She let’s us believe that it’s about how we look and we buy it. Sir Isaac Newton asks us to remember the law of gravity.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s