Eight Women You Need to AVOID to Survive Mothers Group

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“Oh, I see that you’ve pushed a baby out of your vagina too. Let’s be friends!”

Some of the more tedious aspects of motherhood are those situations where you are forced to socialise with a random assortment of other women based solely on the fact that you have both produced your own offspring.

Playdates, playgroups, preschool.

Mother’s groups. Antenatal groups.

Breastfeeding meetings. Story time at the library.

They tend to be populated by people I’d never elect to hang out with in real life, so it can be a bit of a personality crap-shoot: some are boring, some are sanctimonious, some think Michael Buble is the shit and some are downright weird, but you don’t realise it until you’ve been trapped in a conversation about nipple thrush for 25 minutes.

Here are the types you need to be wary of:

  1. The Breathless Oversharer

Having finally escaped the solitary confinement of her infant-imposed house arrest, the floodgates of adult conversation are open – and nothing is off limits. You will be hit with a tsunami of uncomfortable detail about her health problems, her kid’s health problems, her finances, her fractious relationship, her menstrual cycle, her sexual activity and her 36 hour labour with forceps delivery. She doesn’t get out much.

Talks about: Literally everything. You want it to stop but it never will.

  1. The Neurotic Routine Mum

She is interested in your kid’s sleeping habits in a way that is borderline creepy, lecturing you with the burning fervour of a fundamentalist. They are quick to mention that Little Johnny slept through at 3 weeks and credit their success to controlled crying and sleep gurus like Tizzie Hall and Gina Ford. Their entire life is scheduled to-the-minute around their kid’s eating and sleeping habits, and they are full of condescending pity if your baby still wakes overnight. Like a normal infant.

Talks about: The joys of self-settling, routines and controlled crying. Gasps in horror if you admit to “going with the flow”, bed-sharing or feeding to sleep.

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  1. The Uptight First-Time Mum

Helicoptering madly, the uptight mum is easy to spot. She anxiously compares milestones and can reel off quarterly growth stats from her child’s first year. She has the health nurse on speed dial and rocks up to emergency for minor bumps and scrapes. She can talk for hours about baby-led weaning, controlled crying and attachment parenting but is terrified that she is going to fuck her kid up, because she hasn’t done this gig long enough to know that we’re going to fuck them up no matter what we do, so it’s not worth worrying about.

Talks about: Tomorrow’s emergency doctor’s appointment because Little Saffron has dropped down to the 97th percentile for weight.

  1. The Absent Free Range Mum

You are doing well if you can even find this woman. She is never in eyesight or earshot of her children, who are usually the ones climbing six foot fences and/or falling face first off the playground equipment because a) her supervision is characterised by an excessively casual unconcern or b) they aren’t actually being supervised because she is nowhere to be seen. Stay away from her kid unless you are in a good position to catch them.

Talks about: Nothing, because she is never around. She might offer a cursory thanks if you stop her children from scalping themselves on the merry-go-round.

  1. The Milestone Braggart

Super-competitive, this Mum brags about the gifted child who smashes developmental milestones and is clearly superior in every way. “Little Hugo was sitting SO much earlier than all of his peers”. ‘Little Hugo could skip before he could walk”. “Little Hugo was the first baby in my mother’s group to use coordinating conjunctions to connect two independent clauses”. And so on. They are not beyond making patently false claims to make their children look good. This kid even SHITS better than other kids.

Talks about: The perceived superiority of their child. Constantly.

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  1. The Overzealous Organic Mum

This “hippy” mother is all about breastfeeding, babywearing, baby-led weaning, gentle discipline and attachment parenting. She will roll her eyes at your Baby Bjorn carrier and attempt to convince you that amber teething necklaces and essential oils really work. Earnest to the point of sanctimony, she will react with horror when you rouse on Little Jasper for smashing his Tonka truck in Little Jimmy’s face. Again. Because the “spirited” little turd lacks boundaries.

Talks about: She will talk about baby carriers and cloth nappies until your eyes self-cauterise with catatonic boredom.

     7. The Snarky Mummy Blogger

This woman had an identity crisis during a particularly inane craft activity and started blogging to fill the empty abyss where her life used to be. She blogs to indulge her wanton use of the word “fuck” and to whine about her kids without giving them a complex that will one day require expensive professional intervention. She’s always looking for new material, so your safest bet is to hide and, if cornered, sneer “Oh, so you’re a MUMMY BLOGGER” with the same sort of wearily disgusted expression you’d wear if you just stepped into a steaming pile of dog shit.

Talks about: Nothing. She’s always listening for juicy snippets to use in her blog. Avoid her, unless you want your embarrassing exchange with Little Violet to go viral.

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      8. The Bitchy Gossiper

Perched at the centre of her own personal mummy clan, the bitchy gossiper is the reigning matriarch of her ice-cold clique. Like a high school mean-girl she controls social interactions by stealth, and freezes out new mums until they have served a lengthy apprenticeship. Rude and dismissive, she ignores your polite attempts to make small talk – mortified by your ignorant breach of social etiquette. Stupid n00b.

Talks about: She’s probably talking about you right now. You’re such a loser. And your kid is ugly.

 

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79 thoughts on “Eight Women You Need to AVOID to Survive Mothers Group

  1. I remember this one! Hehe Enjoyed the reboot though. I was quite lucky to find a pretty great mother’s group when we moved up here. Sure some of the chicks aren’t my lifelong friends but some are great and still in our lives! WISH you were in my group. That would have been perfect. Xx

  2. I have been mostly lucky with my mum’s group but there have definitely been a few doozies over the years. It got to the point where I was starting to wonder if it was me because Damn I attracted the weirdos for a while. Also, for someone who has a bitchy resting face I seem to invite people to open up to me without meaning to. Like today, the guy who served me at Coles was telling me about how he wasn’t sure what direction his life was heading and it was making him really anxious. Then I find out the guy only finished high school last year. I told him to buckle in because life hasn’t finished fucking him yet. Was a weird conversation to have with a stranger, there wasn’t even alcohol involved.

    • “I told him to buckle in because life hasn’t finished fucking him yet.” BAHAHHAHAHAHHAHHAHAHAHHAHA!! I can’t imagine why your straight-shooting no-nonsense approach didn’t attract much love at mothers group.

    • OMG Tegan, I get this all the time! I have chronic resting bitch face but for some strange reason people are always cornering me and telling me their deepest, darkest, most inappropriate secrets. WHY? I do not look like the kind of person who wants to hear that shit…
      Meanwhile, I loved my mums group. They were all ace chicks and I still keep in contact with most of them. The best part is that three of us just had our second babies together so we’ve got mums group 2.0 and I’m loving it. But then again, maybe it’s because I’m a snarky mummy blogger and they seriously do give me content for my blog…

  3. I was never a mother’s group mum. I couldn’t think of anything more draining. Yes I get they are great for kids to interact with other children but having to listen to other mums tell me I do this wrong or that wrong, or their child is so smart, etc. No thanks.

  4. Pretty sure I met all of those women in my mothers group. Also the “Frazzled, disorganised mum who forgets her nappy bag and suggests changing the meeting place to the pub”.

    Oh wait. That was me.

  5. Hell yes, one Mum was 1, 2 ,3 5 and 6 combined. We were all pretty much no 8 because we hated her. She paid to put her kid into every

  6. So funny. I can’t remember reading this one, but glad you reshared it so I could today. Sometimes I’ve been one of these mums! I’ve just started a mums group this year with another mum and so far so good.

  7. Oh BOY! These women…please tell me I’m not one of them?! Please!

    Anyhoo – The Milestone Braggart (super passive-competitive) the mother who drives me most crazy.

    Can we just all drink wine and whine? Please?

    • I SO NEED TO ADD THAT!! Since posting this piece they’ve all come out of the woodwork. I never came across any at the time, which would definitely have enhanced my mothers group experience. LOL.

  8. Weirdly, I identify most with organic mum. As an attachment parent, natural term breastfeeder, baby wearer, cloth nappier and even co sleeper. But not all organic stuff, geez, I’d have had no money left for slings and fluff!

  9. OMG, I am totally tripping right now because we have an Overzealous Organic Mum who comes into my work with a son named Jasper! I kid you not! That is so damn funny! He wreaks havoc and his mum is all ‘Now Jasper, stop doing that darling. No no, put the pens back sweetheart’. (Jasper is pouring all the stationary we sell on the floor). She then laughs, strokes his hair and walks out! We now call mums like this ‘Jasper mums’. Hahaha! You’re stalking me aren’t you? You’ve met her too?

  10. My mothers’ group was full of really nice people who were simply trying their best to get through have a baby. Obviously I’m a major bitch who during Mothers’ Group once called her baby a ‘little bugger’ (might have been slightly more sweary than that) when she dropped her toy for the hundredth time… Was left off the get-together list after a few months. Or maybe it was my resting bitch face. Who knows? Thank fuck I don’t have to go back.

  11. Love this. I was pretty lucky with my Mothers Group, I’m sure we had all types but I think I was in such shock that I even had a baby for the whole first year that I was oblivious or maybe I was all of those Mums rolled into one & didn’t know it! Don’t know, but a group of us have stayed in touch still 9 years later and have a boozy catch up once or twice a year – without kids!!

  12. Oh, my, goodness, I am so very, extremely, glad the days of mothers group are over, and we have reached the stage of teenage embarrassment and I don’t have to do the school or mother group thing at all!!!! There is light at the end of that tunnel!! I promise 🙂

  13. Ha, I think I met a few of these Mum’s in our Mothers Group! Although they get a bad wrap, I made a couple of awesome friends thanks to our Mothers Group who have helped keep me sane (and supplied wine) over the past four years.

  14. That snarky blogger mummy, watch out for that one… she won’t even vote for your little Jaxxxxyn in the Bonds Baby comp! Shit.

    Love this one lady. So true! I think I fall into the ‘cynical underachiever wino’ mum category. Likes routines, too lazy to enact them. All child duties arranged around wine o’clock. x

  15. Bahahaha! Yes, I have met most of these and have been some of these! I am happy to be mothers group free. Actually, I heard another kindy (who I like) mention going to playgroup to her 2-year-old last week. I looked at Len and thought for a second that perhaps I should do so sort of social play scenario with her… nah!

  16. I didn’t do mothers group because I knew I had nothing in common with the other random women, save for the fact we had unprotected sex at roughly the same time. I did try playgroup a few times but having a special needs child just made that even more tortuous than it probably was going to be anyway. I was clearly the helicopter mum trying to stop my son from hitting another child mid-meltdown…it was never going to end well…

  17. Mothers Group sounds like quite the experience! And just think, after you survive Mothers Group then you have the school mums to attend to! Will there be a sequel post – 8 women you need to avoid at the school gate?!

  18. In a way I’m thankful that Mothers Group doesn’t exist around here, but at the same time it would have been great to have a place to go for face to face support! I’d probably be the oversharing mom just for the simple fact that I get little to no adult interaction when I’m home with my babes all day! 🙂

  19. Can I suggest another one? The person with zero tact. Whether it’s just they’re sleep deprived and lost any kind of filter, they honestly blurt whatever thought that comes into their mind, whether or not they actually should.

    And there’s good honesty, like helpful honesty and then there’s not.

  20. ‘Some of the more tedious aspects of motherhood are those situations where you are forced to socialise with a random assortment of other women based solely on the fact that you have both produced your own offspring.’

    Oh my goodness! I can relate completely. I had very little in common with most of the mothers at my local mothers group. Having said that, I know ladies who still meet up with their old mothers group even though their children are fully grown. How nice it would have been to connect so well. I guess you can’t have it all. 🙂

  21. Bahaha, I think you’ve nailed it, although I wouldn’t know from much personal experience because I was never in a Mum’s group, never took the kids to playgroup and avoid parks like the plague unless we are the only ones there! When I became a Mum I already had too many friends to handle and a blog to communicate via, so I didn’t feel like I needed to join a Mum’s group and to be honest, I’m too anti-social to be bothered. However, the few times when I would be together with a bunch of Mum’s (usually at baby showers and the like) I was usually the first type of Mum, the breathless oversharer. I still am, mostly because it’s just so nice to talk to adults and people who aren’t constantly whinging at you that I get a little overexcited!

  22. I was very apprehensive heading to mothers group and was expecting high school all over again. But it was a chance to get out the house so why not?! So glad I did – 6 years later and the 12 of us still catch up. We each have bits of these characteristics but luckily there are no psychos and everyone is lovely and really just trying their best not to screw things up in this parenting gig. I’m the token wino though – always the last one standing on a night out. It’s a talent 🙂

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