How to Win the Bonds Baby Competition AND Piss Off All Your Friends

So, the Bond’s baby popularity contest is back on again. It’s my favourite time of year, up there with my annual pap smear, getting my car insurance bill and having 12 months of built-up tartar scraped off my teeth with sharp metallic instruments of nerve-grinding doom.

For anyone fortunate enough to be scratching their heads right now, a brief summary:

Bonds is a massive Australian clothing company that runs a baby beauty contest every year. The winning prize is a couple of cheap onesies, some sort of photo shoot and the chance to do a shitload of free viral advertising for a multimillion dollar company (clearly I did not do any research for this article, so sue me. Unless you are from the Bonds legal department, in which case please don’t sue me).

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Proud parents submit their child’s photo to the contest website and spend the next several months bombarding their network of friends, family and colleagues to VOTE FOR MY KID. VOTE FOR MY KID. VOTE FOR MY FUCKING KID. And to those who may have missed it the first 17 times today, VOTE FOR MY KID.

It’s basically a contest to determine who has reproduced the best genetic material, so who better to coach you to success than someone who did 3 unit biology in high school AND who once took out first prize in a sleazy nightclub Macarena dance competition. I also spent 30 minutes scoping out potential Baby Bundchens on the Bonds website, so I know my shit.

You know that Little Braxtyn is the best. Here is your chance to prove it, with these five simple strategies:

  1. Give Your Child a “Uneek” Name 

It’s quite simple. Your child will never become a star if you bequeath them with a boring, correctly-spelled name like Brad. Or Angelina.

Deliberately mis-spelling your child’s name or throwing a random assortment of letters together makes your child more exotic. And memorable. It bestows Little Harmyni and Little Leevye with an instantaneous star quality that Little Melissa could never hope to achieve with her mediocre, phonetically-congruous name.

Your child is unique. They deserve a unique name like the precious, enigmatic snowflake they are.

  1. Procure a Massive Headband

One of the fundamental principles of baby beauty competitions is this: the bigger the headband, the better the ranking.

Massive headbands are the best-kept secret to Little Kyllisha’s success in baby competitions. No one wants to see your baby’s bald, mis-shapen skull. No one wants to see those sunken fontanelles or those icky little spider-veins under translucent skin. You can forget about winning if your baby’s temples are even partially visible. That’s a fact.

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  1. Hire a Professional Photographer

Lighting. Props. Photoshop. If you want your kid not to look ugly you’ll need these.

Forget about snapping Little Blayde in the bath with an iPhone – to really stand out you need to storyboard your own professional photo shoot.

A good photographer will have the best wine buckets, the biggest headbands and a heavy hand in the editing toolbox. Your kid needs to look like they’ve had their skin bleached, with hair so radiant and eyes so luminous you suspect they might up and mutilate you with a scythe at a moment’s notice*. They need to shine, like the stars they are.

(*For anyone under 45, this is a Children of the Corn reference. Hur hur, yes, hilarious people always need to explain their own jokes)

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  1. Harass Your Social Network to Vote for Your Child

Your primary strategy for success is to alienate every single person you know by harassing them on a regular basis to vote for your baby. It’s a popularity contest, so even the ugliest babies can win with the weight of Mum and Dad’s social media hordes behind them.

If these so-called friends can’t take five seconds out of their day to vote for Little Sherkaya 87 times then they don’t truly love you – and to be honest – you need those toxic assholes out of your life. Guilt trips, manipulation, passive-aggressive moaning, petulance: these are your best emotional tools. Use them.

  1. Enter Your Child in Competition as Early as Possible

We live in a culture so obsessed with appearance that it is now normal – nay, advisable – to enter your unborn foetus in a nationwide baby beauty contest. That’s what one little girl’s mum did. For real*. With this 4D ultrasound picture.

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(*yes, it’s real. You can’t make this shit up)

This proud mum knew Little Scarlett-Rose was going to be a star before she even emerged from her vagina. THIS is what you have to do to succeed in the high-pressure world of baby beauty competitions. Forget about your newborn – it’s too late for her. You need to start working on them in-utero, before the dimples have formed.

And just think, if we are already voting for the best-looking embryo it’s totally forseeable that people will start submitting their sperm samples for contention. Who has the cutest little swimmers? Better start slipping some powdered Menevit into his scrambled eggs.

Rate my Jizz Jar!

Like my Ovum!

Vote for my Zygote!

It’s all about being the best.

 

*** Disclaimer: This is a new-and-improved version of something I published a couple of years ago that was seen by approximately 6 people***

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94 thoughts on “How to Win the Bonds Baby Competition AND Piss Off All Your Friends

  1. HA! Glad you dusted this one off, it’s fantastic. Now to strap giant headbands onto little Chardonnae* and Bundee* – I’m sure that with these tips, even the fact that they’re both years beyond babyhood won’t stand in their way! (Dammit. Step 5…)

    *Not their real names, sadly.

  2. Wow. I can’t believe that someone actually entered a picture of their unborn child. Um, how would the actual modelling bit go if they won? Would the clothing have to be passed up the vagina to reach the child? And what it Scarlett-Rose actually ended up being Stanley-Roy? That could be awkward…

  3. Bahahahaha too funny. Ultrasound pic FFS. I came across an adult Melisah today. Oh yeah. Her parents nights as well have tattooed birthed by bogans on her forehead. Fuck. Oh and we are kindred spirits. I once won a sleazy nightclub nutbush. 😜

  4. I’ve never got the giant headband thing, that Children of the corn photo is going to give me nightmares that I thought I shook off 35 years ago and I did meet an Alicin, Cymantha and AaBbCcDd the other day for real – the last one I was sure was just an urban myth but no, it’s true. Just say it really quickly, all of them were too old to enter the competition though sadly. xx

  5. Freaking Children of the Corn scared the crap out of me at a teen slumber party and I’ve never quite recovered. I think there are lots of similarities between shiny babies in enormous headbands and shiny corn children actually! Excellent reference. Wasn’t the head corn child called Malachai? That right there is the uneek name of a winner.

  6. I won a blogging competition to do a couple of blog post for the Bonds blog which I got $300 worth of bonds clothes. (For me winning the comp was a boost of confidence) I made mention of the Baby Comp in one of my blog posts and had to edit it out because mums get so defensive about the competition. This post had me laughing my head off. So so funny. x

    • Oh HAHAHHAHAH! I know, right? it gets taken so seriously doesn’t it? I think that was my number one reason for wanting to write about it. I really don’t have that much of an issue with it but I find it hilarious from a social behavioural point of view.

  7. I once met a child whose name was “J”. That was it… just “J”. Very uneek don’t you think? I also met a child called Jaymie. Her brother’s name was Jamie too. I asked her why her mother gave them the same name and she said it was because her mother really liked the name Jamie. Not judging… just stating a fact here.

  8. OMG I can’t believe someone has actually entered a picture of their fucking unborn baby. The world is going to hell in a handbasket!

    In regards to names, I remember going to visit my friend in hospital when she had her second baby in 2009, and while waiting in the hall outside the special care nursery a new dad walked past pushing his newborn twin boys, talking on the phone and revealing their names to the caller. Their names were Atilla and Aslan. Yep. One named after a fearsome invader and the other named after a quasi-Jesus figure from a fantasy novel. I don’t have any more words, I’ll just leave that there for you to percolate.

    • BAHHAHHAHHA! Yes! In all fairness it wasn’t entered in the Bonds comp. It was another Aussie baby competition I stumbled across as I was looking for inspiration for the piece. It was deadset legit though. I almost creamed my pants when I saw it, ‘cos it’s comedy gold, obviously.

  9. I used to get bombarded by these on FB but not since my kids got older, clearly I don’t have as many friends with little babies anymore! As for names, I went to school with a Sundowne and NZ is notorious for crazy names! In fact I heard of a K-La. The mum was very upset that people always pronouncing her daughters name wrong. Want to guess how you pronounce it?

    • Yes! I swear it’s true! LOL. To be fair, it wasn’t the Bonds comp, but another Aussie competition I came across while I was researching for this piece. I knew it was gold as soon as I saw it. Thank you Scarlett-Rose’s mum…

  10. There is no way that someone put their foetus in a baby competition.Just no way! My friendships die a little when a friend puts their baby’s Bonds comp on Facebook.

  11. But isn’t Bonds just the training grounds for a starring role in Toddlers and Tiaras? Surely mum and dad can ‘t be that hard up for a onesie! PS So pleased you re-released this! Pure gold1

  12. I just love the fact that you’ve taken exactly what I’ve always thought and put it in a bloody awesome blog post! Seriously, the next time I see a ‘vote for X’ in my newsfeed…well, I don’t know what I’ll do. And the uneqeee names…don’t get me started on that.

  13. I had forgotten about this dark period in my life when all my friends had babies and this is all i could see. Seriously. But a little observation, does the second child ever make it in the comp?

  14. I only stuck a giant headband on my daughter’s head, but in my defence it was a Hello Kitty headband & I really wanted it for myself 😉

    • Sorry, that should read, I only stuck a giant headband on my daughter’s head ONCE! I was too busy snorting out loud at the other responses & not concentrating on my proof reading – my bad!

  15. Bahahahahahaha!!! Nailed the shit out of this lady! Those comps are insane, like who would ever enter them…. *shuffles feet and looks away awkwardly* It was only once, I swear, due to an online mother’s group onslaught of firstborn love. Or competitive nature. Same same. No headbands were harmed in the entering of said comp though. All I can think of is what if little Scarlett-Rose actually comes out as a Samuel? Awks. x

  16. What I want to know is, can people tell if you’ve voted or not. I may *ahem* have implied I’d gone to the trouble of clicking on links or registering and all of that crap but may *ahem* have actually not done so. And I wonder if my friends (yes, it’s happened more than once) know?!

  17. My twin nephews are entered into the latest round, however I fear they won’t win because they aren’t wearing big fuck off head bands and they don’t have uneek names. What is the world coming to?

  18. Oh god how I hate the Bonds baby search. I can’t believe desperate parents fall for this shit still. I read the fine print a few years ago and all you got was a $300 voucher which you could only spend on full price items and yet they get your babies photographs to promote their clothes for however long they want saving them thousands. Screw that. If you really want your kid to be a model sign them up to a modelling agency, I’m sure they have them for babies right? I don’t know I’ve never looked into it, its all too weird for me. Friends who want me to vote for their kid over and over are just as bad as the friends who start party plan businesses and harass me to buy their stuff or have a party every 5 mins {incidentally I have a shit tonne of friends who have started party plan businesses recently, its so awesome}.

    • Yes, yes and yes. I really do think the T & Cs could be a little more forgiving to the people who are volunteering their children’s images for the purposes of Bonds marketing.

  19. LOLling all over the place- I wonder who’s going tell Scarlett -Rose’s mum that all babies look like weird monkeys when they come out? Hence the over use of ridiculous head bands?? 😂😂😂

  20. Vote for my child? What is this? The US presidential election. Oh, no it couldn’t be… newborns are far more erudite than certain candidates and even most toddlers less inclined to throw irrational tantrums and spit the dummy … And I cant imagine there’d be may babies who could rock a suitable combover.

  21. Spectacular!!! Bravo!

    I have voted for a baby once – ONCE – ever. Because I loves him nearly as much as I loves the children that came out of me, but only the first year he was entered. After that, you’re on your own buddy!

  22. I have a secret game that I play where, if someone asks me to vote for their baby, I go to the page and vote for a different baby. I like to think of it as a silent protest. (I may have to go into hiding after admitting this!)

  23. I think any parent who makes their offspring wear those giant flower bands on their bald heads, should have to wear a matching giant headband, exponentially larger to match their age. Hate those. There I said it and I feel better. Ty.

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