So, the Bond’s baby
popularity contest is back on again. It’s my favourite time of year, up there with my annual pap smear, getting my car insurance bill and having 12 months of built-up tartar scraped off my teeth with sharp metallic instruments of nerve-grinding doom.
For anyone fortunate enough to be scratching their heads right now, a brief summary:
Bonds is a massive Australian clothing company that runs a baby beauty contest every year. The winning prize is a couple of cheap onesies, some sort of photo shoot and the chance to do a shitload of free viral advertising for a multimillion dollar company (clearly I did not do any research for this article, so sue me. Unless you are from the Bonds legal department, in which case please don’t sue me).
Proud parents submit their child’s photo to the contest website and spend the next several months bombarding their network of friends, family and colleagues to VOTE FOR MY KID. VOTE FOR MY KID. VOTE FOR MY FUCKING KID. And to those who may have missed it the first 17 times today, VOTE FOR MY KID.
It’s basically a contest to determine who has reproduced the best genetic material, so who better to coach you to success than someone who did 3 unit biology in high school AND who once took out first prize in a sleazy nightclub Macarena dance competition. I also spent 30 minutes scoping out potential Baby Bundchens on the Bonds website, so I know my shit.
You know that Little Braxtyn is the best. Here is your chance to prove it, with these five simple strategies:
- Give Your Child a “Uneek” Name
It’s quite simple. Your child will never become a star if you bequeath them with a boring, correctly-spelled name like Brad. Or Angelina.
Deliberately mis-spelling your child’s name or throwing a random assortment of letters together makes your child more exotic. And memorable. It bestows Little Harmyni and Little Leevye with an instantaneous star quality that Little Melissa could never hope to achieve with her mediocre, phonetically-congruous name.
Your child is unique. They deserve a unique name like the precious, enigmatic snowflake they are.
- Procure a Massive Headband
One of the fundamental principles of baby beauty competitions is this: the bigger the headband, the better the ranking.
Massive headbands are the best-kept secret to Little Kyllisha’s success in baby competitions. No one wants to see your baby’s bald, mis-shapen skull. No one wants to see those sunken fontanelles or those icky little spider-veins under translucent skin. You can forget about winning if your baby’s temples are even partially visible. That’s a fact.
- Hire a Professional Photographer
Lighting. Props. Photoshop. If you want your kid not to look ugly you’ll need these.
Forget about snapping Little Blayde in the bath with an iPhone – to really stand out you need to storyboard your own professional photo shoot.
A good photographer will have the best wine buckets, the biggest headbands and a heavy hand in the editing toolbox. Your kid needs to look like they’ve had their skin bleached, with hair so radiant and eyes so luminous you suspect they might up and mutilate you with a scythe at a moment’s notice*. They need to shine, like the stars they are.
(*For anyone under 45, this is a Children of the Corn reference. Hur hur, yes, hilarious people always need to explain their own jokes)
- Harass Your Social Network to Vote for Your Child
Your primary strategy for success is to alienate every single person you know by harassing them on a regular basis to vote for your baby. It’s a popularity contest, so even the ugliest babies can win with the weight of Mum and Dad’s social media hordes behind them.
If these so-called friends can’t take five seconds out of their day to vote for Little Sherkaya 87 times then they don’t truly love you – and to be honest – you need those toxic assholes out of your life. Guilt trips, manipulation, passive-aggressive moaning, petulance: these are your best emotional tools. Use them.
- Enter Your Child in Competition as Early as Possible
We live in a culture so obsessed with appearance that it is now normal – nay, advisable – to enter your unborn foetus in a nationwide baby beauty contest. That’s what one little girl’s mum did. For real*. With this 4D ultrasound picture.
(*yes, it’s real. You can’t make this shit up)
This proud mum knew Little Scarlett-Rose was going to be a star before she even emerged from her vagina. THIS is what you have to do to succeed in the high-pressure world of baby beauty competitions. Forget about your newborn – it’s too late for her. You need to start working on them in-utero, before the dimples have formed.
And just think, if we are already voting for the best-looking embryo it’s totally forseeable that people will start submitting their sperm samples for contention. Who has the cutest little swimmers? Better start slipping some powdered Menevit into his scrambled eggs.
Rate my Jizz Jar!
Like my Ovum!
Vote for my Zygote!
It’s all about being the best.
*** Disclaimer: This is a new-and-improved version of something I published a couple of years ago that was seen by approximately 6 people***