How to Look (Even More) Fucking Ridiculous While Giving Birth

Screen Shot 2016-02-22 at 5.23.04 pm

Disclaimer: Lots of sweary sweary in this one. Time to fire up that DVD box set of Downton Abbey if that’s not your thing. Oh and for the record – YES – I fell for this crap too when I was a first-timer, so you can stop all that sanctimonious horseshit about “inflaming The Mummy Wars”. It’s called “laughing at ourselves” (feel free to google that phrase if you are unsure of its meaning). If you are still unconvinced, please refer back to my earlier recommendation for a Downton Abbey binge-fest. I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly. 

*****

Sometimes I stumble across a lifestyle article that is so inane it makes me want to travel back in time and retroactively tie my own mother’s tubes before she conceived me. But alas, here we are… The science hasn’t caught up yet.

The article featured a selection of special outfits to wear while you are giving birth, like labour is some kind of red carpet event. I mean, at some point the floor probably WILL be red, but it’s not like Richard Wilkins is going to be all up in your grill with a microphone asking “Who are you wearing?” (and if he IS, you have my unconditional permission to punch him in the face).

It was kind of comical. I mean, I laughed so hard that I gave myself third degree vaginal tears, and that hasn’t happened since I last delivered a baby with an unusually large head circumference (circa 2010. 99th percentile. Ventouse delivery).

So here it is, ladies… Your guide to dressing in style during birth.

Flowers in the Amniotic Fluid

Screen Shot 2016-02-22 at 4.10.00 pm

Cherub and Bliss Gown

Because nothing says “Fuck me, I’m covered in amniotic fluid and faeces!” better than a floral print maternity mu-mu with pretty matching headband. By the time I got to transition I was bellowing like a wounded buffalo in the final throes of a very protracted death, so the headband would have made for an effective gag at least. It certainly would have saved my long-suffering midwives from a constant stream of barely coherent profanity.

The Preggo Wears Prada

Screen Shot 2016-02-22 at 4.11.39 pm

Designer Mamas Birthing Gowns

You might think that ruched necklines and flattering sleeve lengths are a priority as you are packing your hospital bag, but when you’re pushing a human skull the size of a mini-watermelon out of your twat you won’t give a fuck whether your designer dress has colour-coordinated detailing on the bust. If anything, I guarantee you will try to strangle someone with that annoying fucking bow before it’s all over. Forget the umbilical cord – if your husband wants to make it to the end of the birth alive he’ll need to cut those naff midriff ribbons first. 

Bamboo-zled By Overpriced Baggy Tee

Screen Shot 2016-02-22 at 4.12.39 pm

Bamboo Birthing Shirt

Why destroy one of your husband’s baggy old Nickelback t-shirts ($0.00) when you could destroy one of these deluxe bamboo birthing shirts instead ($81.75)? To the manufacturer’s credit, they come in a discreet selection of dark fabrics, so no one will accidentally bear witness to the crimson tsunami of carnage making its way out of the mincemeat remains of your vagina for the next 7 – 10 days.

Pretty in Pastels (And Blood Spatter)

Screen Shot 2016-02-22 at 4.14.13 pm

Floressa Birthing Gown

For something completely impractical, there’s nothing like colour-blocking in soft pastels during the visceral and bloody rite of birth. By the time you are finished in the delivery suite this little beauty will look more like a Jackson Pollock painting than a pleated jersey garment in pleasing shades of dusty pink.

Portrait of a Birth (2010)

Artist: Hugzilla

Medium: Floressa birthing gown, human faeces, amniotic fluid, blood spatter, vomit, tears, chunks of placenta.

50 Shades of FUCK OFF AND DON’T TOUCH ME

Screen Shot 2016-02-22 at 4.19.51 pm

Hotmilk My Everything Birthing Robe

I had cankles, fluid retention, chronic flatulence and no direct view of my own genitals at the end of my pregnancy. I didn’t feel sexy. I didn’t look sexy. The only time sex ever entered my mind during labour was when I’d periodically curse the frigging day I’d opened my legs nine months earlier. I didn’t want my husband anywhere near me during the birth, so he was essentially as useless as a pair of porn-star tits on the set of Downton Abbey. Poor guy. He spent both deliveries cowering quietly in the corner, too terrified to even make eye contact with me because I’d roar at him to STOP FUCKING LOOKING AT ME SO LOUDLY and then threaten to rip his balls off. It wasn’t what you would call an “orgasmic” birth.

Some Like It Not

Screen Shot 2016-02-22 at 4.20.36 pm

Pretty Pusher Delivery Gowns

Giving birth sucks. The only thing you care about is getting the extraneous human being out of your body, so you can get back to the business of having a hot cup of tea and not feeling like you’re being torn in two from the tits down. It stands to reason that the last thing you could possibly give a fuck about is this hot little halter-neck number, because no one thinks they are channeling the essence of Marilyn Monroe while they are squatting over a fit ball with amniotic fluid flowing uncontrollably out of their twat. I mean, you’re not going to be winning any “Best Dressed” awards when you are waddling around with a puppy toilet training pad clutched to your crotch.

The Pink Pregzilla

Screen Shot 2016-02-22 at 4.34.07 pm

Gownies Hospital Gown

You could wear a standard-issue white hospital gown, or you could buy one of these satin-trimmed jobs for $50, because PRETTY! I mean, how will the midwives know I’m a GIRL if I’m not wearing PINK?! Heaven forbid they mistake my beer-gutted husband for the pregnant party, and try to deliver the baby out of his anus instead. Goodness!

****

So there you have it. The process of labour and birth mostly involves giving up every last shred of your dignity to the fertility gods anyway, so I guess there’s no further harm in matching your ridiculous headband to your stupid looking floral mu mu.

All jokes aside – you made a tiny human being. You can wear whatever the fuck you want. LIKE A BOSS.

(Apologies to my husband. He doesn’t drink beer. Or listen to Nickelback)

Advertisements

122 thoughts on “How to Look (Even More) Fucking Ridiculous While Giving Birth

  1. Lucky you didn’t include the ‘real’ photos, though maybe they would totally get the point across. Like seriously…FLORAL? With matching headband? Have they never visited the birthing suite? Thanks for the laugh!

  2. Bahahahaha! Those titles are priceless! Omg yes I’d seen this article and became instantly forlorn that I didn’t go and spend eleventy billion dollars on a floral number specifically so I could pop a small watermelon out of my lady parts. I think it would’ve made quite the statement. That statement being ‘this lady could also double as a 1960’s pouffe’. My darlings all liked to come by surprise attack, so I ended up birthing in whatever I was wearing when I got to hospital. Thank fuck I was wearing a skirt last time around, it might’ve gotten a bit awks. While I didn’t care about what I was wearing for labour, the GHD post-birth was a must. Nobody needed to see my real hair in it’s psychotic poodle-style glory…. x

    • You would have looked irresistibly cute in one of those floral numbers. I could totally see you in that headband with a bouffant 60’s style bob and go-go boots. Well, maybe not the boots.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s