Christmas Gift Guide for the Dickheads in Your Life

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Disclaimer: This is a foul-mouthed and crass post, even by my notoriously low standards. PLEASE – if you are easily offended (or if you are my mother-in-law) you need to CLICK OUT NOW. I mean that. This is kind of like my version of Schoolies Week. I need to blow off some steam with foul language, illegal drugs, sex toys, street brawls and oversized novelty cocks. I’m not kidding. All of that shit happens here today. Anyone brave or bogan enough to hang around needs to grab their six pack of Bacardi Breezers and haul ass to the balcony.

*****

Screen Shot 2015-12-16 at 8.39.59 pmChristmas is a time to celebrate with the people you love the most. Unfortunately, it also requires you to do a lot of reluctant socialising with some of the biggest dickheads you know (’tis the season for all that alcohol).

They may be family, friends, colleagues or peers, but their defining characteristic is that they are all total fuckheads, and for whatever number of complicated reasons we are not at liberty to completely cut them out of our lives.

Etiquette often demands we need to give these people Christmas presents, when we’d really much prefer to give them a satisfying punch in the face.

This gift guide is for them. Fuck them.

Merry Dickmas, assholes.

Facebook Oversharers

We all have those oversharers on our Facebook feeds. We know about their breakfast choices, their jogging routes, the arguments they have with their spouses, their irritating social observations and the intimate details of every single illness or medical condition they have ever had.

Hey asshole, here’s a DIARY and a packet of MATCHES. Write that shit down and BURN IT, because NO ONE gives a FUCK.

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Incompetent Bosses

Ideally, you would give them a framed resignation letter with a picture of your spreadeagled butt cheeks and the words “FUCK YOU” smeared at the bottom in your own fecal matter.

Alternately, you can give them this coffee mug. It’s genius, because you can innocently claim that you ordered “World’s Greatest Boss”, but they fucked up your order and sent the fuckwit version instead.

“Hur hur hur Boss, you are totally NOT a fuckwit, and I am totally NOT going to gob into your coffee the next time I make it, you total fucking TOOL”.

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Chronic Farters

This one is fairly self-explanatory: fart-filtering boxer shorts. It’s for the people in your life who are too arrogant, lazy or rude to shield you from their vast array of vile body odours.

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Mummy Martyrs

Mummy martyrs are forever in self-imposed servitude to the ungrateful wretches around them. They put themselves last all the time and embrace their weary sainthood like a heart-shaped anchor. All they ask in return is that you forever wear the eternal shame of not being a better child, partner or friend to them.

She is never happier than when she is miserable, so a hair shirt is the perfect accessory. (Brief history lesson: hair shirts were worn in medieval times as a form of ritual self-punishment).

You can’t buy them any more because they were discontinued in the Middle Ages, so she will need to make one herself. With her own hair. She’ll love that.

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Narcissists, Braggarts and Wankers

You know the type: preening egomaniacs who are so full of their own self-importance that it oozes out of their pores like some sort of bizarre reverse pheromone that makes them want to procreate with themselves. We see you. We see your artfully-staged “candid” photos. We see your bullshit flat lays and your topless selfies and your “workout” pics and your novel-length hashtagging and your humblebragging.

What these people really need for Christmas is a dildo with their own face on it, so they can go fuck themselves. A dildo of their own mug, so they can literally be UP themselves.

To date, no such product exists, but with the advent of 3D printing we can only hope to see this happen in our lifetime. #dildogoals

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Drama Llamas

You know who these people are. They spend their entire lives on the verge of exploding into spontaneous displays of wrath, rage, despair and theatrical melodrama at even the slightest hint of displeasure. It doesn’t even need to be THEIR drama. It can be someone else’s, just as long as they are in a position to inject themselves in the centre of it.

They need to calm the fuck down.

They also need a hamper with some illegal street Valium, some off-the-shelf Chill Pills and a 4 litre jug of whatever the fuck this is. Calm Down juice. Sounds legit.

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Finally, if you are still stuck for ideas, you can always elect to ship a dick. The “Ship a Dick” website caters for all your oversized novelty-cock needs. You can send a box of boners, a bag of dicks or a wide range of customised chubbies, because nothing says “YOU’RE A DICKHEAD” like a massive cardboard penis.

Merry Christmas and a Crappy New Year, cockheads.

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48 thoughts on “Christmas Gift Guide for the Dickheads in Your Life

  1. BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! I think I need a jumbo one of those calm down juice bottles for myself and several of those dildos for others. Thanks for the giggles. Merry Christmas! xo

  2. OMG! I am not sure whether to laugh or die of shock or both or what! You left no stone unturned. I hope my staff don’t gift me with that mug bahahahaha. AGAIN, your ability to bring laughter and tears streaming down my face is a gift. This one takes bravery to a whole new level, which always excites me. I love you, never stop!

  3. Absolutely brilliant and beautifully put in perspective…really? Beautifully? Anyhoo, I want to take a judge gravel(whatyoumacallit) and say Spot on girl!! Cos how the fuck else are we meant to tell these suckers how we really feel?? Love, looove it!-Happy 2016 🙂

  4. Thank you to the top Aussie blogger in the world for a truthful but at the same time hilarious post. I know that doesn’t make sense but the sentiment should be clear.
    Fave quote: “grab their six pack of Bacardi Breezers and haul ass to the balcony”. So bloody picturesque. I bloody love you Hugzy. Have a wonderful Christmas and kiss your babies for me xxx

    • Yeah, I suspect that this comment is in large part fuelled by one Bacardi Breezer (or equivalent) too many, but I’ll take it… Will deffo kiss the babies for you and hope that you and yours have a cracking 2016 as well xx

  5. Thanks for introducing me to the Ship a Dick website. I lead a sheltered life and had no idea such a thing of beauty existed. I can’t decide what product I like best – but i know you are the best for bringing it to my attention Hugzy! Have a merry xmas my friend – hope it’s a dick-free zone for you!

  6. Dude you have me pissing myself laughing while watching Homeland… and now my husband thinks I’m all kinds of fucked up inappropriate. Which he’d be right in thinking anyways. Who doesn’t need a bag of dicks as a gift I ask? I also hope many diaries and matches are given this year. You crack me up lady. Keep up your awesome work and please more fucking letting loose and fab disclaimers at the start of your posts. Merry fucking Christmas lovely. xx

    • LOL!! Surely your husband already knew how many kinds of fucked up inappropriate you are. I’m very pleased that such a fine connoisseur of fucks enjoys the delicate palate of obscenity I like to serve up from time to time. Here’s to a kick-ass fucking 2016 for all of us x

  7. Best gift guide ever! Fart filtering boxer shorts and ship-a-dick! Please promise that you’ll have an online store by next yuletide, like a “one-stop shop for the dickheads in your life.” What an elfcellent idea!

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