Disclaimer: This is a foul-mouthed and crass post, even by my notoriously low standards. PLEASE – if you are easily offended (or if you are my mother-in-law) you need to CLICK OUT NOW. I mean that. This is kind of like my version of Schoolies Week. I need to blow off some steam with foul language, illegal drugs, sex toys, street brawls and oversized novelty cocks. I’m not kidding. All of that shit happens here today. Anyone brave or bogan enough to hang around needs to grab their six pack of Bacardi Breezers and haul ass to the balcony.
Christmas is a time to celebrate with the people you love the most. Unfortunately, it also requires you to do a lot of reluctant socialising with some of the biggest dickheads you know (’tis the season for all that alcohol).
They may be family, friends, colleagues or peers, but their defining characteristic is that they are all total fuckheads, and for whatever number of complicated reasons we are not at liberty to completely cut them out of our lives.
Etiquette often demands we need to give these people Christmas presents, when we’d really much prefer to give them a satisfying punch in the face.
This gift guide is for them. Fuck them.
Merry Dickmas, assholes.
We all have those oversharers on our Facebook feeds. We know about their breakfast choices, their jogging routes, the arguments they have with their spouses, their irritating social observations and the intimate details of every single illness or medical condition they have ever had.
Hey asshole, here’s a DIARY and a packet of MATCHES. Write that shit down and BURN IT, because NO ONE gives a FUCK.
Ideally, you would give them a framed resignation letter with a picture of your spreadeagled butt cheeks and the words “FUCK YOU” smeared at the bottom in your own fecal matter.
Alternately, you can give them this coffee mug. It’s genius, because you can innocently claim that you ordered “World’s Greatest Boss”, but they fucked up your order and sent the fuckwit version instead.
“Hur hur hur Boss, you are totally NOT a fuckwit, and I am totally NOT going to gob into your coffee the next time I make it, you total fucking TOOL”.
This one is fairly self-explanatory: fart-filtering boxer shorts. It’s for the people in your life who are too arrogant, lazy or rude to shield you from their vast array of vile body odours.
Mummy martyrs are forever in self-imposed servitude to the ungrateful wretches around them. They put themselves last all the time and embrace their weary sainthood like a heart-shaped anchor. All they ask in return is that you forever wear the eternal shame of not being a better child, partner or friend to them.
She is never happier than when she is miserable, so a hair shirt is the perfect accessory. (Brief history lesson: hair shirts were worn in medieval times as a form of ritual self-punishment).
You can’t buy them any more because they were discontinued in the Middle Ages, so she will need to make one herself. With her own hair. She’ll love that.
Narcissists, Braggarts and Wankers
You know the type: preening egomaniacs who are so full of their own self-importance that it oozes out of their pores like some sort of bizarre reverse pheromone that makes them want to procreate with themselves. We see you. We see your artfully-staged “candid” photos. We see your bullshit flat lays and your topless selfies and your “workout” pics and your novel-length hashtagging and your humblebragging.
What these people really need for Christmas is a dildo with their own face on it, so they can go fuck themselves. A dildo of their own mug, so they can literally be UP themselves.
To date, no such product exists, but with the advent of 3D printing we can only hope to see this happen in our lifetime. #dildogoals
You know who these people are. They spend their entire lives on the verge of exploding into spontaneous displays of wrath, rage, despair and theatrical melodrama at even the slightest hint of displeasure. It doesn’t even need to be THEIR drama. It can be someone else’s, just as long as they are in a position to inject themselves in the centre of it.
They need to calm the fuck down.
They also need a hamper with some illegal street Valium, some off-the-shelf Chill Pills and a 4 litre jug of whatever the fuck this is. Calm Down juice. Sounds legit.
Finally, if you are still stuck for ideas, you can always elect to ship a dick. The “Ship a Dick” website caters for all your oversized novelty-cock needs. You can send a box of boners, a bag of dicks or a wide range of customised chubbies, because nothing says “YOU’RE A DICKHEAD” like a massive cardboard penis.
Merry Christmas and a Crappy New Year, cockheads.