Mediocre Blogger Wins Esteemed International Award “Because Vagina”

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Massive news: I am now officially a three-time recipient of the coveted “Sisterhood of the World” Bloggers Award.

I know what you’re all thinking…

What the fuck does that even mean? And who the fuck cares?

Look, I have no idea either but it all sounds terribly important and will no doubt add to the lengthy list of accomplishments that will be etched onto my tombstone. A moment of silence please, as we accord this honour the gravitas it truly deserves.

“The Sisterhood of the World Bloggers Award recognizes the unique voices of women bloggers around the world.”

It got me thinking: What does the Sisterhood actually do? Who are they and what do they represent?

I’ve done some googling and it appears that the elusive Sisterhood has no list of members, no headquarters, no charter and no defining manifesto. Call me a cynic, but it seems to have no other function than to stroke the ego of amateur bloggers and to reproduce the “Sisterhood of the World” questionnaire ad nauseum, like an out-of-control virus.

Logic suggests that by the time it has done the rounds it will have been gifted to Mark Latham, Donald Trump’s toupee, the guy from the iSelect ads, the ghost of Virginia Woolf and the illegal capuchin monkey that Justin Bieber relinquished to the German Government.

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So, it is with trembling hands and heartfelt appreciation that I accept this award, not once but three times: thank you to Adventures in Domesticity, Peachy Keen Mumma and Calm to Conniption blog.

I have ten questions to answer (Actually, I got bored after seven. I hope this does not necessitate the revoking of my Sisterhood privileges). 

  1. My biggest guilty pleasure is….


Slipping into a fluffy onesie, firing up Pinterest and planning my dream wedding to Zayn from One Direction. I drink wine and pin expensive bridal couture to a public board called “Mrs Hugzilla-Malik”*

*This is a blatant lie and I have no idea why I just said that**

**Possibly because I have just consumed three glasses of wine and am not taking this very seriously. OK, so the wine part was obviously true…

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  1. Do you have a secret talent?

I have absolutely zero talent at anything. I can’t cook, I can’t craft, I can’t sing, I can’t sew, I can’t change a car tyre, I can’t read maps, I can’t use power tools, I can’t touch my toes, I can’t meal plan, I can’t apply make-up.

God gave me one totally useless talent: to write sarcastic shit on the internet.

Unfortunately for y’all, it’s not secret.

  1. Complete this sentence: my life changed forever when I…


…was reunited with my dead friend in spirit form.

True story, and one I might write about one day but my last experiment with sharing ALL THE FEELS totally tanked on the blog, so it’s not terribly high on the agenda. My recent post about almost dying in a fire with my two children was resoundingly outperformed by a sponsored post about a microwave oven.

Take home message: No one gives a fuck about my emotional experiences and would prefer to watch me explode shit in the kitchen.

  1. What nickname did you have as a kid?

I had several but the one that really stands out is “Mole-issa”, which I HATED. My beloved mother came up with that one because I had several prominent moles on my upper arms and torso. Everyone would LAFF it up and I’d RUN off to my room and CRY.

Hilarious.

Then I got malignant melanoma in my 20’s.

NOT SO FUNNY NOW IS IT MOTHER.

  1. What is your proudest moment?


It’s not the birth of my two children. It’s not when I was awarded school dux. It’s not when I graduated from university. It’s not when I had my first article published. It’s not when I baked a cake that didn’t explode all over my kitchen.

My proudest moment is when I won the Macarena competition at Retro night club in my early 20’s. This might seem like a more or less unremarkable achievement to most people, except for one thing: I didn’t actually know how to do the Macarena.

I still don’t, but I was damned if I was going to let a little thing like complete ignorance stop me from winning. I was young, drunk and over-confident – there was nothing I couldn’t do if I put my mind to it. Thankfully I was in a room full of people who knew what they were doing, and despite the vodka oozing from my tear ducts I had the werewithal to mimic the fluid Spanish grooves with swag, and the moment that the DJ announced me as winner was one of the highlights of my life:

“There were a lot of good dancers out there. But THAT girl, she really BELIEVED it”.

Won a free cocktail too.

Bonus answer: My second proudest moment is winning the “Sisterhood of the World” Bloggers Award.

  1. How did you meet your significant other?

At work. We had a secret fling for two years because he “didn’t believe in work relationships”. I had a few theories about that at the time:

1) he was embarrassed to be seen in public with me

2) he was holding out for a better offer

3) he was a non-committal asshole who was jerking me around.

He hadn’t even told his parents I was his girlfriend when we finally moved in together. They thought we were just flatmates, and the first time they visited his Dad looked around in bewilderment and said “But there’s only one bed….”

It’s complicated.

  1. The best thing about blogging is:

Being showered with brand money, fan-girl adulation, mountains of free shit and the unreserved admiration of the Australian writing community*

*This is a blatant lie and I have no idea why I just said that** 

**Possibly because I am now up to three five glasses of wine

I’m supposed to nominate 10 other bloggers for this award but I’m not going to. I’ve never been much of a joiner.

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79 thoughts on “Mediocre Blogger Wins Esteemed International Award “Because Vagina”

  1. Bahahahahahahaah I won a Macarena comp in my 20’s too. It was Canterbury leagues club and I won coz I did a ‘slutty’ Macarena. Didn’t know the dance either! Won a box set of CDs – 80’s music. Ah those were the days!

  2. Wow, well I’ve never heard of this Sisterhood thingy (which suggests I’m not much of a joiner either). It used to be the ‘Liebster Award’ doing the rounds when I first started blogging (that’s right, back in the good old days of like 3 years ago). Although I always knew it was a glorified chain letter, it did provide opportunities to network/fan girl with other bloggers. But I do hate answering those question lists, and the posts ALWAYS tanked, lol. Good the hear the microwave one has served you well though 😉

  3. Well, I just wrote a long reply to this and then a comments bug ate it. So, now you’ll have to get the short version! I’ve never heard of the Sisterhood. The Liebster Awards used to do the rounds when I first started blogging (back in the halcyon days of 3 years ago). It does sound a little Oprah but hey, who doesn’t love a vajayjay?

  4. I luff you. This is absolutely everything I would have written if (a) I had your talent and (b) It wasn’t totally inappropriate for a psychology web site.
    P.S. I read you bushfire post. You write everything beautifully but not everyone can do smart and sass as well as you x

  5. This is the most perfect response to those blogging “awards!” They’re so goofy. I’ve always wanted someone to say this. Congratulations – I’m going to get you a little trophy or something. 😉

  6. I’ve ignored any and all nominations for such awards up until now (because no one wants to know these things about me. I’m sure of it) but now that you’ve joined in I’m feeling some level of FOMO…
    Like, for example, I want to tell the world that I not only know the Macarena dance – I KNOW THE WORDS. Yes, I can sing in Spanish. Sort of.

  7. You better move over because I was voted most sexy Macarena dancer at a work Xmas party many moons ago after at least 6 wines. In retrospect it wasn’t the most convenient moniker to have in the workplace and did take me years to live down…and it doesn’t mean I was very good at the moves either, come to think of it… BTW congrats again on having a vagina!!!!

    • OMG I had no idea that the Macarena dance arena was so fiercely competitive – one of the other commenters here also had a win. I better not get too smug about this. Time to start YouTubing clips I think… And thanks for the vagina congrats! ‘Bout time that thing came in handy for something.

  8. The Macarena is a snapshot of an important moment in all of our lives. Or something. Profound shit, Mel. Thought provoking. I’m off to follow you on the Pinterest. Perhaps I’ll learn something (like what Pinterest is for!)

  9. Too funny, loved every moment of this post. Kind of jealous of your Macarena triumphs though.. The one time I was asked to dance on a stage in a club the same bouncer came up two minutes later and asked me to get down. Turns out tone deaf dancers aren’t a thing for a reason.

  10. Well, that’s the last time I nominate you for a bogus, chain-letterish award that means nothing. I mean it… never again! You mock, you jest, you don’t re-nominate… but I ask you, when else would you have had the opportunity to share that Macarena story, hmm? Ingrate.

    • BAHAHAHAHHAA!! I am so grateful for that nomination because there was no way I could EVER have slipped that into a blog post without looking like a total braggart WANKER. Thank you, sister x

  11. ahaha! I just got nominated too….actually, it was back in June, but I finally got my shit together and answered the questions. Also, I had no inspiration on what to write about today, so the Sisterhood thing was a handy little fall back thing.

  12. 1. My mother sounds about as warm and fuzzy as yours. 2. My mother loves the Macarena, she can’t get enough of it!

  13. So now not only am I feeling completely useless because a) I don’t have a Fire Action Plan b) I have never won an even-kind-of bogus blogging award BUT c) My ‘very enthusiastic’ Elaine-From- Seinfeld dancing remains unrecognised. WTF???? You are clearly the one who should be ruling us all!! PS I think this award is totally legit- you rock! #fangirl

  14. Oh my God, you are hilarious! I’ve also been given this award – yep, everyone IS a winner, but there’s no way I can write my post on it now! How can I compete with this funny? You’re awesome. No doubts about it x

    • DO IT! DO IT! We need to recruit more for the Sisterhood, as I fear that our numbers are falling! In all seriousness… Do it. I know I took the piss but people really enjoy those posts.

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