Crazy cat people. When did they become a thing?
It’s my belief that the internet was created as part of a sinister CIA plot to disseminate pussies all over the planet – in the form of pr0n, Justin Bieber videos and cat memes. It has to be some sort of conspiracy, because there’s no possible way that all of those Bieber fans and feline freaks are real. Not. Possible.
They’re out there, though. Here’s how to spot them:
1. They own one or more cats. Usually more. The number of cats they own is directly proportional to the intensity of their cat obsession.
1 cat: You’re probably safe.
2+ cats: Approach with caution.
4+ cats: Run.
16+ cats: Forget it. You’re Fancy Feast.
2. They worship cats, preferring their company to that of other humans. Evidence for the supremacy of cats is scant, but they will often cite Ancient Egyptian mythology, Grumpy Cat memes and countless YouTube videos of cats outsmarting plastic bags in support of their feline superiority theories.
3. They assume the narrative viewpoint of their feline friends and refer to themselves disparagingly in the third person as “humans”. These are people who willingly cede their supremacy to a species who lick their own arses, and as such are not to be trusted.
4. They flood social media newsfeeds with cat memes, cat-related articles, funny cat videos, cat-themed podcasts and pictures of their cats. Some of them venture even further into crazy cat lady-territory, with laminated headshots of their cats in exotic overseas locations.
Image courtesy of sashi_cat on Instagram
5. They visit cat cafes for their kitty-coffee fix. I’m not entirely sure how it all works but I figure that it can’t involve the consumption of actual food, because if I wanted to eat while I watched something lick its own arse for an hour I’d sit down with a bowl of popcorn and a recent episode of Keeping Up With the Kardashians.
6. They mutilate the English language with pidgin onomatopeia derived from random cat noises.
Cat lady-speak: I can’t do that right meow. Give me a few mewnites.
Translation: Fuck off. I’ll do it later.
7. They create a glossy magazine called Pussweek, a publication written by cats who have somehow mastered human linguistic forms, Photoshop 5 and piss-funny satire.
So, in what will no doubt be remembered as one of the pinnacles of my blogging career, this week I interviewed a cat.
Correction. I interviewed a human being pretending to be a cat.
And if we are going to be completely honest with each other, I actually did this last year and then totally forgot about it, because I am utterly shithouse like that.
My friends are incredibly forgiving people.
I first met the human Bexy McFly when we worked together at one of those big corporates that everyone loves to hate, where we bonded over daily affirmation cards, giant Allens snakes and her kind-of-embarrassing hero worship for me. We both got shitcanned from that job with about 200 other people, all of us finally free to inflict our unique brand of WTF on the world. So here we are.
I don’t own a cat. I’ve never owned a cat. I don’t trust or even LIKE cats, but without fail I piss myself laughing every time a new edition of Pussweek crosses my desk. It’s genius. My friend is genius. And I would NEVER say it to her face -‘cos that’s not how we roll – but to this day she is still one of the wittiest, sharpest, funniest bastards it has ever been my privilege to meet. I mean, “meowt”.
Pussweek. Get on it.
Hugzilla Interviews McFly, Editor in Chief at Pussweek Magazine
Hugzilla: Who has most influenced you?
McFly: Your mum. Just kitting, actually the biggest influence on myself, and all the cats in the Pussweek team, is a cat called Noob. He was as big as a mountain, black as midnight, strong as a closed tin of food, and he turned even the scariest feline-hating humans into ‘cat people’. He pawed the way for humans to become our slaves.
Hugzilla: Tell me about a challenge you overcame.
McFly: Once there was this cardboard box with no opening. It was very distressing, but after about eight short naps I chewed and I chewed, and I made a hole in the corner, big enough to squeeze through so I could play in the box.
Hugzilla: Who is your favourite human celebrity?
McFly: ‘Human celebrity’ is an oxymoron. I quite enjoy watching Shaun the Sheep.
Hugzilla: If you could sing one song on The Voice, what would it be?
McFly: Once when I got my tail caught under a chair leg I let out a sound that was much better than anything I’ve heard on The Voice. But if I had to pick a song, it would be one of the song I’ve written myself, like ‘All About That Sea Bass’ or ‘I’m So Fancy Feast’
Hugzilla: What is your favourite thing about humans?
McFly: Their ability to open food tins. That’s all.
Hugzilla: When was the last time you cried?
McFly: This morning, when my stoopid human had the nerve to go to the bathroom before serving me breakfast, delaying my eating time by 2 whole mewnites.
Hugzilla: What three adjectives best describe you?
McFly: Meow. Meow. Mrrrrow.
Oh, and for the record this shit is NOT sponsored.
YOUR ESSENTIAL CRAZY CAT LADY RESOURCES
Pussweek magazine is available on iTunes. www.pussweek.com.au.
The Cat Lady Podcast is available for download at iTunes. www.catladypodcast.com
And the REALLY scary thing is that all of these people are my friends.
Moral of the story: I think I need new friends. Mine are weird.