Seven Signs You’re Dealing With a Crazy Cat Lady

Crazy cat people. When did they become a thing?

It’s my belief that the internet was created as part of a sinister CIA plot to disseminate pussies all over the planet – in the form of pr0n, Justin Bieber videos and cat memes. It has to be some sort of conspiracy, because there’s no possible way that all of those Bieber fans and feline freaks are real. Not. Possible.

They’re out there, though. Here’s how to spot them:

1. They own one or more cats. Usually more. The number of cats they own is directly proportional to the intensity of their cat obsession.

1 cat: You’re probably safe.

2+ cats: Approach with caution.

4+ cats: Run.

16+ cats: Forget it. You’re Fancy Feast.

2. They worship cats, preferring their company to that of other humans. Evidence for the supremacy of cats is scant, but they will often cite Ancient Egyptian mythology, Grumpy Cat memes and countless YouTube videos of cats outsmarting plastic bags in support of their feline superiority theories.

3. They assume the narrative viewpoint of their feline friends and refer to themselves disparagingly in the third person as “humans”. These are people who willingly cede their supremacy to a species who lick their own arses, and as such are not to be trusted.

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4. They flood social media newsfeeds with cat memes, cat-related articles, funny cat videos, cat-themed podcasts and pictures of their cats. Some of them venture even further into crazy cat lady-territory, with laminated headshots of their cats in exotic overseas locations.

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Image courtesy of sashi_cat on Instagram

5. They visit cat cafes for their kitty-coffee fix. I’m not entirely sure how it all works but I figure that it can’t involve the consumption of actual food, because if I wanted to eat while I watched something lick its own arse for an hour I’d sit down with a bowl of popcorn and a recent episode of Keeping Up With the Kardashians.

6. They mutilate the English language with pidgin onomatopeia derived from random cat noises.

Cat lady-speak: I can’t do that right meow. Give me a few mewnites.

Translation: Fuck off. I’ll do it later.

7. They create a glossy magazine called Pussweek, a publication written by cats who have somehow mastered human linguistic forms, Photoshop 5 and piss-funny satire.

****

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So, in what will no doubt be remembered as one of the pinnacles of my blogging career, this week I interviewed a cat.

Correction. I interviewed a human being pretending to be a cat.

And if we are going to be completely honest with each other, I actually did this last year and then totally forgot about it, because I am utterly shithouse like that.

My friends are incredibly forgiving people.

I first met the human Bexy McFly when we worked together at one of those big corporates that everyone loves to hate, where we bonded over daily affirmation cards, giant Allens snakes and her kind-of-embarrassing hero worship for me. We both got shitcanned from that job with about 200 other people, all of us finally free to inflict our unique brand of WTF on the world. So here we are.

I don’t own a cat. I’ve never owned a cat. I don’t trust or even LIKE cats, but without fail I piss myself laughing every time a new edition of Pussweek crosses my desk. It’s genius. My friend is genius. And I would NEVER say it to her face -‘cos that’s not how we roll – but to this day she is still one of the wittiest, sharpest, funniest bastards it has ever been my privilege to meet. I mean, “meowt”.

Pussweek. Get on it.

Hugzilla Interviews McFly, Editor in Chief at Pussweek Magazine

Hugzilla: Who has most influenced you?

McFly: Your mum. Just kitting, actually the biggest influence on myself, and all the cats in the Pussweek team, is a cat called Noob. He was as big as a mountain, black as midnight, strong as a closed tin of food, and he turned even the scariest feline-hating humans into ‘cat people’. He pawed the way for humans to become our slaves.

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Hugzilla: Tell me about a challenge you overcame.

McFly: Once there was this cardboard box with no opening. It was very distressing, but after about eight short naps I chewed and I chewed, and I made a hole in the corner, big enough to squeeze through so I could play in the box.

Hugzilla: Who is your favourite human celebrity?

McFly: ‘Human celebrity’ is an oxymoron. I quite enjoy watching Shaun the Sheep.

Hugzilla: If you could sing one song on The Voice, what would it be?

McFly: Once when I got my tail caught under a chair leg I let out a sound that was much better than anything I’ve heard on The Voice. But if I had to pick a song, it would be one of the song I’ve written myself, like ‘All About That Sea Bass’ or ‘I’m So Fancy Feast’

Hugzilla: What is your favourite thing about humans?

McFly: Their ability to open food tins. That’s all.

Hugzilla: When was the last time you cried?

McFly: This morning, when my stoopid human had the nerve to go to the bathroom before serving me breakfast, delaying my eating time by 2 whole mewnites.

Hugzilla: What three adjectives best describe you?

McFly: Meow. Meow. Mrrrrow.

****

Oh, and for the record this shit is NOT sponsored.

YOUR ESSENTIAL CRAZY CAT LADY RESOURCES

Pussweek magazine is available on iTunes. www.pussweek.com.au.

The Cat Lady Podcast is available for download at iTunes. www.catladypodcast.com

Sashi Cat Instagram account is at https://i.instagram.com/sashi_cat/  She also blogs at www.mymeow.com.au. Yes. A cat that blogs. I’m truly redundant.

And the REALLY scary thing is that all of these people are my friends.

Moral of the story: I think I need new friends. Mine are weird.

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66 thoughts on “Seven Signs You’re Dealing With a Crazy Cat Lady

  1. Hahahahaha!! Oh my gosh, You’ve got to be kitten me! See what I did there 😉 …I thought I was heading to crazy cat lady territory but I am NOTHING like this!! I share a fair number of cute cat pics, but that’s as far as my crazy goes. I guess each to their own… if they have fun pretending to be a cat, so be it 🙂

  2. Lol…I have yet to listen to the podcasts and buy Pussweek…but will be getting on to them stat. I do already follow Sashi…Pebbles and Buttons may occasionally get jealous but I’m sure they’ll befriend Sashi at some point. 😛

    And I figure I won’t make your new friends list given that I’m bordering on crazy cat lady too 😉

  3. I don’t know what to say. I just wrote a post about how I was thinking about leaving my 13 year old cat behind when I move and now I’m thinking this was some sort of felnine intervention. The photo on the front of Puss Weekly is probably one of the funniest things I’ve seen lately. The headlines are even more tabbylysing.

  4. Hilarious! How in the hell does your brain create so much funny. Being the cat lover I am, this blog had me rolling around Meowing and I had to share it with my cat lady friends too. You make the world a whole lot lighter! MEOW MEOW

  5. I’ll pass on the cats, and take a dog instead, thanks. That said, the interview with McFly is the cat’s whiskers!

  6. Loving Pussweek! Will have to get myself a copy especially after reading those headlines. Major cat-clickbait right there. I am a cat person but was happy to read that on the Zilla scale I’m considered “probably safe”. Phew. It’s hard enough looking after one cat, two tornadoes and a man-child let alone adding more felines into the mix.

  7. I think that I will probably be a crazy cat lady in my old age, though I currently do not have a cat. Pre-children, and pre my kitty being run over, I used to post photos of my cat all over facebook and instagram. Then I got knocked up, and when I came home with a baby, my cat thought that the world had ended. He photo-bombed my baby snaps.

  8. I agree with your incredibly words about Bexy, she is incredibly talented with her wit and words, a mind that is sharper than my tongue when I’ve got PMS and my husband leaves his empty bowl on the bench instead of the dishwasher! Don’t get a new friend, everyone needs a McFly in their life!

  9. I think I have a few friends who would love Pussweek and that podcast! One lady at work has so many little cat stickers on the back of her car as part of those family stickers people put there – honestly I’ve lost track each week another cat gets stuck on there – which means another cat makes it into her collection at home!

  10. Pussweek is hi.larious. The whole cat thing is pretty hilarious when you think about it. I don’t get it, I don’t get it at all. How can anyone become obsessed with something that barely gives them the time of day? It’s like The Bachelorette happening in your own home every day and you are NEVER GETTING A ROSE. x

  11. I love love love Pussweek! It’s hilarious 🙂 I’d love to be a crazy cat lady so bad, but my husband only recently relented and let me have ONE, who may be ruining my chances for reaching the gold standard crazy cat lady quota of 3+ cats with his generally cat-ish behavior. I am also a crazy dog lady.

  12. 1. Pussweek is pawesome.
    2. I am purring so loudly right meow your purrrsonal development that you have blogged about cats (finally!)
    3. They are the most googled thing on the internet so if you can’t beat them….

  13. That’s totes nuts. I’m not a cat fan particularly, but I do confess to tittering over the odd crazy cat video or meme. I admire their disdain and ability to reduce large dogs to quivering wrecks.

  14. Mel, I showed the team here at Pussweek this review and they laughed hollowly. They also enjoyed the picture you chose, which further pushes our fine publication into some kind of misunderstood pervert territory for disappointed old men who think they’re getting something COMPLETELY different when they order a magazine called ‘PUSSWEEK’.
    All in all, you are amaze. And I love you.

  15. I thought I mew where this was going, however, I was meowstaken. I am pretty sure the moral of the story is something most of my friends think about me, but now I can just inform them they’re lucky. Because I am not a cat that hates them.

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