The Fine Art of Murdering Simple Recipes

I mutilated some innocent cookies tonight.

Regular Hugzilla blog readers are no stranger to my fraught history in the kitchen. To put it bluntly, I manage to murder every single recipe I attempt to make. This is not false modesty. This is a bona-fide confession of guilt.

I wish to submit the following articles into evidence:

EXHIBIT A: Green marble cake

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EXHIBIT B: The infamous “earwax cake”

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To be frank, there are many more like this: innocent victims of my heavy-handed brutality when it comes to baking. Anyone interested in my recidivist history of crimes against cake are welcome to peruse my lengthy rap sheet at this post. Click HERE if you think your pelvic floor can handle it.

I honestly live in fear of the day I open a Buzzfeed listicle called “25 Epic Cake Wrecks Made By Totally Inept Losers” to find one of my own creations in there. If it’s there, I’ll see it. Without fail, my friends gleefully tag me in those links every. damn. time.

There have been attempts at rehabilitation. One of my good friends took pity on me and spent a day teaching me the basics, driven by the kind-hearted optimism of someone who believed they could truly make a difference. It was sweet, but ultimately futile.

She helped me stock the pantry with supposedly “must-have” items that any self-respecting adult has in their kitchen. She laughed at my total lack of implements and vital equipment. She mocked my cruddy mixing bowls and the fact that I only have one wooden spoon. That isn’t even a spoon, apparently. Whatevs.

She taught me about the “melt and mix” method. The “dry mix” method. She taught me lots of other things that I promptly forgot. We made a tuna mornay together. And most importantly, she made two batches of phallic-shaped playdough that became the base of my legendary meatball croquembouche (also known affectionately as “meat-penis cake”). NSFW link is here, for the curious.

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Despite the best of intentions I blame HER for tonight’s disaster.

When I saw the recipe for Fat Mum Slim’s “10 Minute Honey Snap Cookies” pop up in my newsfeed I was actually confident that I was finally armed with the skills to nail it.

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It promised me cookies in 10 minutes. With only 4 ingredients.

Could I do this? SHIT YEAH.

Fat Mum Slim is the uberest of uber-bloggers. She has like 5 billion Facebook followers, so you have to assume that confers some sort of reputable authority: this is not someone who makes her living by routinely bullshitting people.

But, I have to say… I was still kind of skeptical.

4 ingredients. 10 minutes. Delicious cookies. Really?

The recipe required four ingredients: honey, brown sugar, butter and plain flour. One of the primary catalysts for my crimes against cakes is the fact that I am ALWAYS missing key ingredients, which forces me to make dubious substitutions.

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ANSWER: d) All of the above

(To be fair, the bicarb soda was strictly my mother’s fault. I mean, who goes to someone else’s house, fills an unlabelled glass jar with bicarbonate soda and randomly leaves it in their pantry? That’s just asking for disaster)

So anyway, I perused the recipe and realised I was missing 50% of the FOUR necessary ingredients. Any sensible person would have pulled the plug and dived into a jar of Nutella instead.

I am not a sensible person.

I was forced to make two substitutions:

1) Golden syrup instead of honey

2) Caster sugar instead of brown sugar

(Seriously, this is all my friend’s fault. She made me buy the golden syrup. Other than making Anzac biscuits and surviving the Great Depression, what the hell do you even DO with that shit?)

Substitutions made, I followed the recipe TO THE LETTER.

This is what happened.

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For the record, it took more than 10 minutes.

And apparently I am the only person in the history of humankind to have generated enough destructive force to create some kind of mutant nuclear fusion between cookie dough and NON-STICK baking paper.

I haz a gift.

10 Minute Honey Snap Cookies, a la ‘Zilla.

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92 thoughts on “The Fine Art of Murdering Simple Recipes

  1. Bahahaha! I love your final ‘styled’ shot with a nice cup of tea, workin’ it! I’m afraid I share your special gift… I once stuffed up a two ingredient recipe. And I actually HAD the two ingredients that were required, so I could blame it on nothing but my own utter crapness. PS I’m intrigued, what are the strange brown squiggly bits? Are they swirls of golden syrup that have somehow separated from the other ingredients? Or do your cookies have fissures? Love what you’ve done there…

  2. I believe I may’ve said that to you before, but people go to TAFe for years to be chefs – who are we to barge into the kitchen like we own it (and the only good food photos are those funny ones with ‘totally nailed it’ as the punch line)

  3. Omfg nailed it. The fissures make me think there are worms crawling in your cookies.

    I hate the kitchen!

    When I first starting my attempts to help hubby with the cooking (he loves it and s ace at it bless him) I was asked to make the rice in the rice cooker (we were entertaining a friend from his work and his newly arrived to Oz wife) I had not really ever watched him do this and proceeded to pour the rice in the cooker- he had already nicely removed the bowl for me- so all th rice went in one end and out the other. Noice!

  4. Ohhh you have to separate things because they expand in the oven. Dare I also add that you need a thermomix? I have the cakes and cookies down pat but basic dinner? Nope. I even microwaved a tortilla wrap for 10 minutes and caused a fire.

  5. Oh man. You are so me. I will substitute the shit out of everything. How hard can it be. Sugar is sugar at the end of the day, right? Maybe not, according to the stupid recipe. But as parents, a cookie is a cookie. Even if it is spread out like melted plastic and will never win a baking comp….just like yours 😉

    • LOLOL! That was up there as one of my best. Even now I look back at it and wonder how I managed to mangle that icing so bad! Not helped by the fact that the bottom obviously stuck to the pan and I thought I would flip it and hide it with icing…

  6. Ba ha ha ha! I’d leave a proper comment but… BAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

    I once tried to make tuna mornay from scratch using oil instead of butter and minus the onion. It didn’t end well. I feel your pain.

  7. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA ROFLMFAO!

    Halfway through your post I was totally thinking oh I could make them I’ll just use the caster sugar instead of brown sugar cos thats all I’ve got in the pantry, but then I got to the end. Haha maybe I’ll just need to buy brown sugar next time we go shopping. My biscuits will probably still look like yours even with the right ingredients though.

  8. It’s non-stick paper! You’re a freaking magician, that’s what you are! Also how do you fuck a Green’s packet mix like that?? It’s not burnt. It’s not undercooked. It is like you wore it in your lady panties for the day!

  9. But did the cookies taste good? That is the most important thing – except perhaps if you are presenting them at a fancy morning tea or entering them in the Easter Show. They do look remarkably like some Anzac biscuits I made once when I forgot to include a key ingredient like maybe flour or coconut or something.
    Oh and golden syrup is great on porridge! x

  10. PMSL I’m a mediocre to crap cook, but you make me look a MasterChef. Thanks for that. Also, there’s these things called Bakeries. You can go to them and buy all the cakie things without all the effort and washing up. Works for me. On the other hand, this is very entertaining. As you were.

  11. In my opinion, people who can’t cook or bake, secretly just don’t want to. I’m like you, a failure at baking, but I reckon it’s a bit like the way I’m terrible at doing lots of jobs I don’t want to do. It’s like a feigned stupidity. It’s quite a skill in itself really Hugzy. Good on you.

  12. You are the fucking best! I don’t know why your family even lets you near the kitchen. They should install a keypad lock system on the oven and not give you the code. I only wish I could fail so epically at baking so I would have a better excuse than laziness for not doing it! But seriously, who needs baking when you’re funny as fuck?

    Actually, this could be a whole new venture for you, Hugzy’s Fucked Up Test Kitchen: I ruin the recipes so you won’t have to. You could bake terrible things and then send them to people who really want to get out of baking, so they can produce the goods to prove why they shouldn’t be allowed near the kitchen, saving them from having to be honest about their laziness. I would totally be your first customer!

    • BAHAHHAHAHHAHAHHAH! I am literally sitting in my kitchen PISSING MYSELF LAUGHING right now!! I honestly WISH my family wouldn’t let me near the kitchen because I fucking HATE it with the burning passion of 1000 suns. The problem is, my husband will eat ANYTHING. He was peeling this shit off the baking paper and EATING IT. We are a bloody match made in heaven. Poor bastard. I really do like that Test Kitchen idea though. Surely God gave me this gift for a reason….

  13. Just as good as The Plumbette ‘s caramel turd cookies Sorry but this made my night still having a giggle Mwah has 3 recipes perfected and it has only taken me 31 years of mastering the fine art of baking lol Anything else I know the directions to all the great bakeries within a five km radius

  14. As soon as I read the title of this post, I smiled. You and I are kindred spirits, my friend, when it comes to baking. I love your mutant cookies. I had a similar problem recently with jam drops. Even the kids wouldn’t eat them. I’m also big on food substitutions too, but word of warning to you, you can’t make risotto out of regular rice. It all goes tits up really quickly 🙂

  15. That recipe sounds too good to be true. Are you sure FMS wasn’t just messing with her gazillion readers?! I too only have one wooden spoon and would have made the golden syrup substitution if that makes you feel any better! A word of warning for any future baking exploits – never mix up bicarb soda with baking powder. I did once and the middle of my cake looked like green mould. All sorts of wrong. Baking may not be one of your strong points but you sure as hell make up for it with meat cakes and kickass blog posts (the jury is still out on your 1D/Zayn obsession).

  16. Oh dear. From experience I knew that the sugar switch would be a problem, but I would have thought the golden syrup for honey would have only change the flavour and not the way that they baked. As for having them stick to the paper… now that’s a very special talent you have 🙂

    • Hahahaha! It’s funny, that was the same reasoning I used with the golden syrup. I assumed that the texture was about the same so it should be OK. I’m guessing that the caster sugar was a big problem. And maybe the fact that I put too much butter in because I don’t have a set of scales… I did a bit of guesstimating…

  17. Hehehehehe there’s nothing like a good old kitchen fail!! Lol I make crazy substitutions too. In fairness to you, marble cakes tend to look really crap unless they’re made by some super baker! It’s one of those things that sounds great… but never seems to work!!

  18. Hee hee that’s awesome! They really need a new reality show, and you would be a star: DISASTERCHEF. I would try out but wouldn’t get on because I do actually have some success… but only with packet cakes. Not enough of a master, and not enough of a disaster. How boringly below average!!!

  19. Thank you for the laugh!! I’m truly impressed with how wrong those cookies went. Perhaps next time buy some cookies from Coles when you’re hungry? PS Golden syrup is ace on crumpets.

  20. This made me laugh so hard. I’m actually an ok baker but I absolutely cannot do biscuits. It always ends up as one giant biscuit so I just palm it off as a “slice”
    Totally works.

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