I mutilated some innocent cookies tonight.
Regular Hugzilla blog readers are no stranger to my fraught history in the kitchen. To put it bluntly, I manage to murder every single recipe I attempt to make. This is not false modesty. This is a bona-fide confession of guilt.
I wish to submit the following articles into evidence:
EXHIBIT A: Green marble cake
EXHIBIT B: The infamous “earwax cake”
To be frank, there are many more like this: innocent victims of my heavy-handed brutality when it comes to baking. Anyone interested in my recidivist history of crimes against cake are welcome to peruse my lengthy rap sheet at this post. Click HERE if you think your pelvic floor can handle it.
I honestly live in fear of the day I open a Buzzfeed listicle called “25 Epic Cake Wrecks Made By Totally Inept Losers” to find one of my own creations in there. If it’s there, I’ll see it. Without fail, my friends gleefully tag me in those links every. damn. time.
There have been attempts at rehabilitation. One of my good friends took pity on me and spent a day teaching me the basics, driven by the kind-hearted optimism of someone who believed they could truly make a difference. It was sweet, but ultimately futile.
She helped me stock the pantry with supposedly “must-have” items that any self-respecting adult has in their kitchen. She laughed at my total lack of implements and vital equipment. She mocked my cruddy mixing bowls and the fact that I only have one wooden spoon. That isn’t even a spoon, apparently. Whatevs.
She taught me about the “melt and mix” method. The “dry mix” method. She taught me lots of other things that I promptly forgot. We made a tuna mornay together. And most importantly, she made two batches of phallic-shaped playdough that became the base of my legendary meatball croquembouche (also known affectionately as “meat-penis cake”). NSFW link is here, for the curious.
Despite the best of intentions I blame HER for tonight’s disaster.
When I saw the recipe for Fat Mum Slim’s “10 Minute Honey Snap Cookies” pop up in my newsfeed I was actually confident that I was finally armed with the skills to nail it.
It promised me cookies in 10 minutes. With only 4 ingredients.
Could I do this? SHIT YEAH.
Fat Mum Slim is the uberest of uber-bloggers. She has like 5 billion Facebook followers, so you have to assume that confers some sort of reputable authority: this is not someone who makes her living by routinely bullshitting people.
But, I have to say… I was still kind of skeptical.
4 ingredients. 10 minutes. Delicious cookies. Really?
The recipe required four ingredients: honey, brown sugar, butter and plain flour. One of the primary catalysts for my crimes against cakes is the fact that I am ALWAYS missing key ingredients, which forces me to make dubious substitutions.
ANSWER: d) All of the above
(To be fair, the bicarb soda was strictly my mother’s fault. I mean, who goes to someone else’s house, fills an unlabelled glass jar with bicarbonate soda and randomly leaves it in their pantry? That’s just asking for disaster)
So anyway, I perused the recipe and realised I was missing 50% of the FOUR necessary ingredients. Any sensible person would have pulled the plug and dived into a jar of Nutella instead.
I am not a sensible person.
I was forced to make two substitutions:
1) Golden syrup instead of honey
2) Caster sugar instead of brown sugar
(Seriously, this is all my friend’s fault. She made me buy the golden syrup. Other than making Anzac biscuits and surviving the Great Depression, what the hell do you even DO with that shit?)
Substitutions made, I followed the recipe TO THE LETTER.
This is what happened.
For the record, it took more than 10 minutes.
And apparently I am the only person in the history of humankind to have generated enough destructive force to create some kind of mutant nuclear fusion between cookie dough and NON-STICK baking paper.
I haz a gift.
10 Minute Honey Snap Cookies, a la ‘Zilla.