You may have noticed the conspicuous lack of updates about the Dora the Explorer-themed cake I made for my three year old, and it’s not for lack of people hounding me about it, let me tell you.
I’ve not fielded this many annoying messages since I was in labour with my first-born and my mother kept calling the delivery suite until I roared “TELL HER I’M TRYING TO PUSH THIS FUCKING BABY OUT!” in the midst of a rage-fuelled contraction at the end of a very protracted second-stage.
I know you are all excited to see this thing, and I’m sorry it’s taking so long.
There is some controversy, you see.
Doubts have been raised as to the paternity of this cake.
To keep things brief, the lack of updates are because I have been accused of cheating, and certain disgruntled factions are bizarrely insisting that the cake be disqualified from, errr…. the ONE-person NON-competition I run on Hugzilla every year.
These same people are also insisting I make ANOTHER one, which is utterly absurd given that it cost me close to $50, tasted like playdoh-covered turd and was a complete waste of time and money.
There will be no do-over. This is MY cake, haters.
Maybe I need to back up a little bit for those of you playing along at home; no doubt wondering what kind of ridiculous little Jerry-Springer-style drama you’ve stumbled into here.
MAKING THE CAKE
I cooked the slab, and it was the closest thing you will ever see to perfection outside of the Masterchef kitchen. It was three chocolate packet-cake mixes, cooked in what turned out to be a baking tray instead of a cake tin. I’m not good with kitchen hardware, obviously.
Thankfully, the fact it had a large depression in the centre did nothing to spoil the perfection of this thing. It slid out of the pan like butter, totally intact and with none of the explosive characteristics my cakes are usually celebrated for.
I left it to cool on the bench before decorating it. I say it was so “the cake could cool down” but I really wanted to keep walking past and admiring it for a couple of hours in case I never got the chance to see the likes of this again.
And then a friend came over for coffee.
It was all a bit of a blur after that. I’m not going to say that she decorated the whole thing while I stood around having one cup of tea after another, but she basically decorated the whole thing while I stood around having one cup of tea after another.
To be fair, I distinctly remember opening a packet of pink fondant and I also had the werewithal to locate the rolling pin.
She Together we came up with a cake that my three year old was immediately able to identify with only a tiny bit of prompting:
Hugzilla: Do you know who this is?
Hugzilla: Is it a cartoon character?
Hugzilla: Is it from Dora the Explorer?
Hugzilla: (sighs) Is it Backpack?
Hugzilla: (grits teeth) YES. It IS. It’s BACKPACK.
Fannel: (looks unconvinced) OK Mummy.
THE CAKE REVEAL
For the record, it was my executive decision to do away with the side pockets and the map, thinking they were unimportant in the grand scheme of things. It is only now – seeing them side by side – that I realise that without the pockets it looks like a Pac-Man ghost instead of a backpack. Maybe my kid had a point after all.
THE END RESULT
So there you have it. As to the question of whether I cheated, it kind of crosses the same dubious moral line that gets fuzzy when your mum takes over and does your school projects for you.
You get an A+.
Everyone thinks you are a genius.
THAT’S ALL THAT MATTERS.
We did it!
We did it!
We did it!
We did it!