Thermomix VS One Direction: The Hugzilla Review

Remember that time I promised a much-anticipated review of the Thermomix party I went to last year? I’m such a shithouse blogger that it never happened, and countless thousands of Hugzilla fans were no doubt left crying into their Thermo-server frosted margueritas.

Coincidentally, I also promised a review of the One Direction concert the other day.

Today, you shall have both. Let it not be said that Hugzilla is a flake-ass blogger who can’t get her shit together.

DURATION

Both events lasted approximately two hours, but the Thermomix party didn’t require attendees to sit through two mediocre support acts prior to the main attraction. Imagine turning up to a Thermomix party and having to sit through demonstrations for the inferior Bellini model AND a totally irrelevant appliance like a robotic vacuum cleaner.

That would be silly and annoying, yes?

While waiting for One Direction we first had to sit through a performance by an inferior version of the headline act, an ageing boy-band called McBusted. Punters also had to sit through a totally irrelevant performance by a robotic vacuum cleaner called Samantha Jade.*

(*Just kidding. I really enjoyed McBusted and only heard Sammy Jade from outside the arena while we were enjoying the lengthy merchandise queue. I needed a couple of obvious stooges for that gag. We cool, yes?)

Winner: Thermomix party

Screen Shot 2015-02-09 at 9.07.38 pm

FOOD & BEVERAGES

I was showered with freshly-made food at the Thermomix party, none of which I was expected to pay for. Home-made hummous, a palate-cleansing fruit sorbet and mushroom risotto were served, before we were finally sent home fully-sated with a batch of fresh custard in our bellies. Our gracious hosts freely offered coffee and fresh water to all.

Food and beverages at One Direction were time-consuming to procure and prohibitively expensive. A hot dog set you back $8. A tiny plastic cup of wine or beer cost $7. Bottles of water were approximately $27, which people happily paid because all our bottles were confiscated by security upon entry and the only alternative was to dehydrate or drink from the urinals.

Winner: Thermomix party

AMENITIES

One Direction had a row of outdoor portaloos that you had to flush yourself using a manual foot pump, which I imagine was a lot like living through the Great Depression.

Despite being hired for a stadium event where 99% of the attendees were female, there were no disposal units in any of them and sanitary waste littered the floor. The queues were monumentally long. Lining up for the ladies is arduous at the best of times, but the 1D toilet queues will no doubt secure a well-deserved inclusion in the 2015 edition of Guinness World Records.

Conversely, there were no queues to use the toilets at the Thermomix party because more than 50% of the attendees were still shitting into their nappies.

Winner: Thermomix party

Screen Shot 2015-02-09 at 9.09.16 pm

MERCHANDISE

Thermomix have an all-inclusive $2000 price tag for one of their machines, so you know up-front that you are getting ripped off. It’s transparent and fair.

One Direction are a bit sneakier about it. Once you’ve paid for your massively overpriced ($150+) concert tickets, you line up for 45 minutes before the show starts to buy a few licensed goodies for your over-excited tween companions, choking back your gag reflex when the total comes to $600. We’re talking $50 for t-shirts so tiny they look like man-sized handkerchiefs, $25 for a coffee mug and a gamut of other pointless accessories, all with hefty price tags.

Winner: Thermomix party

Screen Shot 2015-02-09 at 9.49.16 pm

PERFORMANCE

Our Thermomix host Priscilla was enthusiastic, personable, effusive and highly engaging. She wanted us to love Thermomix, the way she loved Thermomix.

I’m not saying that Priscilla didn’t rock it in her green Thermomix-branded apron, but when Zayn Malik walked out onto that stage in his black Misfits t-shirt, the scrappy young punk in me died and went to Soulful-Eyed-Boy-Band-Member Heaven.

Screen Shot 2015-02-09 at 9.05.23 pm

Zayn prowled around that stage with all the cocky insouciance of someone who doesn’t give a fuck.

I’m gonna sing this chorus here and I DON’T GIVE A FUCK.

I’m gonna walk over here and I DON’T GIVE A FUCK.

I AM SEXY BOY BAND MEMBER AND I DON’T GIVE A FUCK.

I hated myself for it, but I couldn’t look away*.

(*I’m too scared to google his age because it’s shameful and embarrassing and possibly illegal)

There were a few other dudes on-stage as well. One had floppy hair. One had a guitar. It could have been the surviving members of the Beatles for all I cared.

Performance wise, Thermomix can’t possibly compete with that level of sexy, but some of the Facebook posts from my friends about TMX are borderline orgasmic, so maybe I’m missing something.

Winner: Zayn Malik

AUDIENCE PARTICIPATION

One thing I didn’t get at the Thermomix party was perforated ear drums. The 14 year old girl standing next to me could have stabbed me in both ears with a BBQ fork and it would have been a more merciful assault than the two hours of prolonged mutilation my ears endured at the hands of 40 000 hysterical virgins screaming en masse.

Winner: Thermomix party

Oh fuck it. Who am I kidding?

I’ve been listening to One Direction songs on You Tube for the last three hours.

I freaking LOVED it.

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71 thoughts on “Thermomix VS One Direction: The Hugzilla Review

    • I had two kids just a few years back. I’m always planning my next trip to the toilet well in advance. All I could think the whole time was that Hazza needed a wash and a blow dry. The long lanky hair needs to go.

    • OMG I COULD NOT BELIEVE HOW LOUD IT WAS. My ears were literally in agony. My sister-in-law scoffed at me, but I was the only person who could still hear at the end of the night after we left the stadium. Thank you ear plugs.

  1. OMG I have written about 27 posts on the Theromomix in the hope that one of those bot things that trawl the net will pick one up and Thermomix will send me a freebee to review for them. To be honest, I’m not really sure what a Thermomix is or what it does and I’m not even sure we have them in England which means that I could be an embasssador or something for them couldn’t I? I I THINK you shove a load of stuff in and then cakes just LEVITATE out the top when they’re ready or something, sounds about right to me … I’m more of an authority on 1D to be honest, Miss Mac and friend used all their Christmas money to buy the early bird tickets last year (that would possibly be the hot ticket) a hundred and sixty quid each – unbelievable! They did get a ‘free’ lanyard, poster and limited edition watch yay, but even so … She’s going again this year but the sixty quid tickets this time. Fortunately she is nearly 16 so I don’t have to go. I’d only embarrass her by swooning over Zayn too and (for info) if he’s young enough to legally be your son he probably is too young …

    • Oh man, those Thermomix people are SO tight-fisted with the freebies. And yes, the way people talk about these things I was mildly disappointed to realise that it didn’t actually have a levitation function. You still had to put the mixture in the bog-standard oven, so it’s essentially a $2000 machine that mixes your cakes for you. And ZOMG you have a 16 year old daughter. You are right at Ground Zero for this shit. Respect. I get to live it vicariously through my tweenage nieces, because I have two very young boys who are into Duplo and Peppa Pig.

      • It’s funny you say that! I remember when my nieces went to the first concert and my sister-in-law had to buy the tickets 18 months in advance. I was all like “Pffft, as if anyone is even going to care about this flash in the pan boy band in 18 months”. That was about 4 or 5 years ago. I’m clearly no good at picking trends. Bahhahahahhahha!

  2. Hilarious. I never thought I would thoroughly enjoy reading a review about two things I have never been less interested in. I love it. You’re amazing and random and hats off haha.

  3. The thing about you Hugzy is – You dont know oh oh! You don’t know you’re beautiful!
    Meanwhile this Zahn thing is making even me blush. I thought my Tom Hids obsession was bad and he’s 34! Lowers eyes and whispers “Have Harry washed and sent to my tent”.

  4. Aldi have vast amounts of 1D merchandise this week, you can now kit out your whole house. Forget that über cool styling, make it an homage to pre pubescent virgins.

  5. That’s an impressive amount of swagger from young Zayn there. But that’s not as bad as the time Mumabs did a post about sexy gingers. There I was chortling away and eyeing off the crumpet when up pops a photo of a very handsome young ginger bloke. I’m idly thinking “Phwooaarrr he’s a bit of alright”, and then I read the captions and it’s FUCKING RON WEASLEY FROM HARRY POTTER and he’s all grown up but it’s still just really wrong.

    I’m still not over it to be honest…

  6. I think the Thermomix people need to employ hunky male sales reps, or even assistants (am sure men can’t possibly work out how to use one!) 😉

    Or… perhaps like the lingerie party I went to back in the 1990s – if they make a certain $ in sales, a stripper comes to entertain the potential thermomixers!

  7. Ha we were there too, I was probably in the same merchandise line while Samantha Jade was on also, after chasing my older girls down after they videoed their cars arriving in the side gate. My ears are still ringing from all the screaming! Niall had me at Hello….although I won’t openly admit that either, cause that is just plain creepy… whoops….

  8. It’s moments like these I’m so glad my eldest decided she was too cool for 1D. (FWIW she did not inherit the cool gene from me. I was the biggest Hanson geek out there.) And I’ve also thus far avoided all things thermo!
    Winner: Essentially Jess

  9. So the ultimate question Hugz – What would you rather, a free top of the line Thermomix (is there even a top of the line Thermy?) or a meet n greet with Zayn? (where you may or may not gaze soulfully at his little bit too young I don’t give a fuck self)

  10. Bahahahahaha!! Brilliant! I need no convincing on the thermomix, I’m already one of *those*!! I am however very slightly jealous that you got to watch Zayn (and Harry) prancing around not giving a fuck!! I took my daughter to see Katy Perry at the end of last year and I think my ears are still recovering! x

  11. Glad you enjoyed the show (and sober too at those prices – impressive). Seeing your nieces go nuts would have been pretty cute. All this makes me wonder what type of boy band crumpet my Miss TT will be swooning over in 10 years time and who your boys will be rocking out to. After the #WhoIsBeck hashtag trending this week, all I know is I am more determined than ever to musically educate my kids!

    • #WhoIsBeck is trending?!? Jesus wept, are these the same idiots who thought that Kanye West was giving Sir Paul McCartney his big break? The common denominator seems to be Kanye West and his fans, who are all clearly inbred. I wouldn’t worry too much. And my niece was SO adorable. She kept screaming “I love you Liam! I love you Liam!”. Very cute.

  12. They must have a set menu for thermomix parties because that is the exact thing the demonstrator cooked at the party I went to. Although mine was served with a side of death stares by the chick who wished me dead because I said she was a moron. The look on her face when I walked in made it all worth it.

  13. I went to my first Thermomix party the other day – have yet to experience a tween concert – looks like it’s all down hill from the Thermomix demonstration (and dammit, I DO want one – I was so resolved not to)

    • Bahahhahhha! I walked out wanting one too! I swear they slip something into that custard. Thankfully, the fact that I hate cooking gives me the magic bullet of immunity from this. I was just born with it.

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