Mark Latham was at it again today.
And this time, it was personal. He took a swipe at mummy bloggers.
I’ve thought long and hard about the best way to summarise the article – entitled “Mum bloggers show dark side of feminist parenting” – and have come to the painstaking conclusion that it is impossible for anyone to understand it without passing a shitload of peyote around and spending several weeks in marathon sessions of hallucinogenic stupor somewhere in the middle of the Nevada Desert.
Mark Latham’s columns have mind-altering properties the likes of which have not been not seen since LSD was first synthesised back in 1938.
They make less sense than a bad acid trip and are a hundred times more terrifying.
Example: You get up in the morning and go to the toilet: for the Greens, that’s an act of politics.
Example: I’ve always thought the manufacturer puts something in the Barbies to empower her and weaken me – like kryptonite on Superdad.
Example: Left-feminism is breeding a generation of shirtless, tone-deaf, overweight, pizza-eating dummies.
I mean, with writing chops like that I think Mark is selling himself short. He’d make a great mummy blogger. According to Mark, most mummy bloggers are “youngish, hip and self-absorbed”, so we’ll have to make an exception on his behalf but lucky for him us mummy bloggers are also a very welcoming and supportive bunch of people, despite the fact that we are self-absorbed lefty-feminist assholes who are deliberately warping our children’s minds and mentally castrating every man we meet.
It’s how we roll.
Anyway, let’s give Markzilla a warm welcome to the blogosphere…
I love pottering around my native garden, “preserving time for love”, making sanctimonious statements about the anti-depressant quality of my children, cooking gourmet meals (not pizza!), and publishing barely-coherent click-bait rants in respectable news publications. I love making sweeping generalisations that have no basis in fact. And – like all good mummy bloggers – I also love chocolate and wine.
On the other hand: I hate nutty left-feminists and progressive political parties. I hate when people “pop pills” to avoid the responsibilities of adulthood. And logic. I really hate logic.
I hope you enjoy my blog.
I mean, you get the drift.
On Markzilla blog you can expect lots of recipes for gourmet meals, instagram photos of native flower arrangements and snarky posts speculating about the feminist leanings of canteen mums who have children with suspiciously gender-neutral names like Taylor and Alex.
Welcome to the sinister hive-mind of mummy bloggerhood, Mark.
Now that you have been initiated, we can finally reveal our big secret:
Left-feminism wants your hearts, your souls, your minds, your jobs and your manhood. We want to warp the minds of your children and burn all of your patriarchal structures to the ground and bomb the colour pink from the face of the earth. We want to let our armpit hair run wild and free and we want equal rights for hairy muff. We want Julia Gillard back in office and Oprah back on daytime television. We want “CEO Barbie” and “Receptionist Ken”. And yes, you’re damn right we want to eat pizza every fucking night. What is your beef with pizza, anyway?
Oh, and because you clearly seem to struggle with the concept of sarcasm, all of that was sarcasm.
Here’s a pro-tip for you: There’s no left-feminist mummy-blogger conspiracy.
It does not exist.
Pass the peyote, please.