The Hugzilla Award: The 2014 SanctiMummy of the Year

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And the Hugzilla Award for SanctiMummy of the Year goes to…

MARK LATHAM

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This year’s winner will no doubt be shrouded in controversy, given that Mark Latham is in fact a man and not a mummy.

Bear with me, because there is precedent here. The 2012 “Sportswoman of the Year” was awarded to Black Caviar – a horse – so it is perfectly acceptable to award SanctiMummy of the Year to the person responsible for the steaming pile of horse-shit that was Mark Latham’s column in the Financial Review.

What is a sanctimummy?

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Reasons Why Mark Latham has won the inaugural Hugzilla Award for “SanctiMummy of the Year”.

There were many worthy contenders for the award this year, but Mark Latham made a late run for the winner’s podium with his bizarre rant in the Financial Review today, a rant which speculated about child-hating feminist cults, insisted that women who openly struggle with aspects of parenting should not have had kids in the first place and insulted people who require medication for mental illness by calling them “cowards”.

I haven’t seen eye-popping drivel of this magnitude since RedFoo tried to convince us all that a bunch of predatory men yelling “Shut the Fuck Up” to women who refused to re-enact their lesbian fantasies was sophisticated satire of the highest order.

We have much to learn from Mummy Mark:

My lifestyle has never been more satisfying. Whether it’s my daughter’s smile, my eldest son’s Aussie irreverence or the belly laughter of my youngest son – these are my anti-depressants, every hour, every day.

Translation: I have scaled the heights of my chosen profession, retired on a $200K a year government pension, I have a wife who works as a lawyer and grown children who no longer require me to micro-manage every second of their day. They can wipe their own bums and aren’t in the habit of throwing 30 minute tantrums because they want to wear red pants even though they don’t own a pair of red pants. Hell yes, my life is awesome.

Why do people like this have children in the first place? How will the children feel when they grow up and learn that they pushed their mother onto anti-depressants?

Translation: My children’s bowel movements are my anti-depressants. I find joy in every oozing orifice. Their farts are fragrant little puffs of fun. My child vomits and it’s like the purest expression of love, so visceral in ecstacy that it can’t be contained. How dare you shame your children with your human predilection for fatigue, exhaustion and stress. You should love every second. And then you should love it some more.

I’m sure I’m just as busy as her: looking after a huge native garden at home, cooking gourmet meals for my family, pursuing a few business interests, writing books and The Australian Financial Review columns and, most crucially, preserving time for my children’s homework, conversation and love.

Translation: I potter around the backyard, fart-arse about writing the occasional sanctimonious pile of horse-shit for cheap click bait and “preserve time for love”. Of course that makes me as busy as a mother who raises two small children while studying medicine full-time. I have a LOT of love to give. And native gardens require a lot of effort. I have to water them once a year. Then I have to stand back and watch them not die. It’s exhausting.

Mark Latham, we salute you.

Thank you for mansplaining motherhood from your position of opulent

semi-retirement as a stay-at-home father to three grown children.

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44 thoughts on “The Hugzilla Award: The 2014 SanctiMummy of the Year

  1. Zilla, what an excellent choice for this year’s award! I was holding out hope that it would be me, since I live sort of westernish of Sydney which means I don’t suffer from the neuroses of feminism and just find joy in childrearing, unlike my city sisters who hate kids, y’know. But Mark has clearly got the upper hand in the mummy stakes!

  2. Bahahahaha the thing I have enjoyed most about his rubbish article is that it has seen people from both sides of politics completely poo poo it. No one seems to agree with Mark’s little fantasy. His dinner party guests let him down when they indulged his ideas as that made him think thay publishing them AGAIN would be a good idea.

    • BAHAHAHAHHAHAAH! His dinner party guests! Could you imagine? Eating Mark’s “gourmet food” and being subjected to bizarre rants all night. It would required at least a bottle of wine per head.

  3. I fear that my brain is about to explode from all of the swear words just busting to burst forth from my mouth. GAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! Can’t hold on any longer… Fuck, shit, piss, cunt, dick, bastard, wanker, tosser, moron, douche canoe, oh me oh my, there just isn’t a big enough comment box to contain them all!

  4. Meanwhile Russel Brand called Tony Abbott a lunatic yesterday but everyone ignored it because of Mark! I can ignore his very strange diatribe against leftist feminists. It doesn’t make sense within the context of Mark’s own circumstances. Mark as a former leader of the ALP is leftist and his wife who is a high powered lawyer is representative of feminist aspirations. Baiting feminists is a sport in the press. BUT I can not abide the demonisation of anti depressants. Anti depressants save lives – its as simple as that.

  5. Great way to highlight how hard the most important job in the world can be: being a mum! I loved you choose Mark Latham for his apathy towards the subject of mental illness and for woman who openly struggle with being a mum. There is no handbook or training manual to raising a child and all power to @Lisa Pryor who admitted to taking anti depressants to get through some of the hardest years of her life with little kids. Great article!

  6. There are no words really are there? That he is given airtime, that he thinks tending a native garden compares to the work of a woman, that he even deems it worthy to assume what it feels like to be a woman bringing up children in this day and age where the pressure on women to be all things to all people in all arenas of life is so incredibly high. And just for your information Mr Latham, look in your own male back door. Yes, women complain of depression but three times as many men commit suicide leaving loved ones behind. Men don’t feel they can talk about their pressures or feelings so they choose to end it and your pathetic article stigmatises them even further. Moron!

    • Yes, yes and YES! I was incredibly surprised that a publication like the Financial Review would run an opinion piece of this nature. I guess that the demand for click bait is a race to the bottom.

  7. Does he really think those things? And he was game enough to say them out loud?? Gee is he married, if so wondering when the divorce is going through!!!
    He is either very stupid to say that out loud and have it published or very out of touch with the real world – either way he is stupid!!!

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