Please Help! I’ve Just Committed Food Blogging Fraud!

Yeah, so the title is pretty self-explanatory on this one.

I’m in trouble and I need help. The kind of help that needs NOTHING LESS than the cumulative power of the ENTIRE INTERNET to solve.

I managed to convince some very intelligent people that I would be a really great choice of blogger to help publicise the new “Oliving by Hans” range of smallgoods. Quick brief for context: Oliving by Hans is a new healthier choice range of smallgoods, because it replaces some of the saturated fat with olive oil but without losing the taste.

This is not a sponsored post, by the way. This is the post before the sponsored post where I flip out and panic because I realise that I have no idea how to tackle the sponsored post. Just so we’re clear.

So anyway, that was great. My awesome powers of persuasion landed me the opportunity to represent the brand and we all met at an event in the CBD to kick things off. I even wore high heels, so you know this was serious. I’m the only person in the known-universe who has yet to upgrade to a smartphone, so I don’t have any photos of the actual event (one of the bloggers called my 2011 Nokia E71 “cute”), but let me paint a picture for you…

Screen Shot 2014-10-09 at 6.32.52 pm

I am in a room full of bloggers who have been invited to work with this new brand called “Oliving with Hans” (more on that later). We were in an industrial-styled CBD bar that also – inexplicably – sold a wide range of business shirts. The appropriately-aloof bartender had purple rinse hair and a wildly impressive hipster beard.

I swear I am not making this up.

I was at a deadset hipster-beard bar. (I thought that was just some Tumblr in-joke, but apparently beards really are du jour). Anyhoo. There was a bench set up where a wildly successful food vlogger (that’s video blogger) was preparing to make us dinner while we all milled around, necking green cocktails and dropping sparking repartee and being fabulous writers and whatnot.

Screen Shot 2014-10-09 at 6.09.31 pm

There I was, cocktail in one hand, artfully poised twiggy stick in the other, holding court like Dorothy Parker at the Algonquin round table; full of wit and vinegar and oozing with all the sass and spice that only a handful of free drinks can bestow.

Until the tail-end of a sentence from the presenter at the front of the room slapped me in the face like an ice-cold stick of hot salami.

“…when you come up with your own recipe”

WHEN I do WHAT now?!

Screen Shot 2014-10-08 at 11.00.52 pm

I couldn’t see my face but I’m pretty sure it looked like this.

An ice cold chill ran down my spine as I cast a glance around the rest of the room, but all I could see were the relaxed smiles of food bloggers and lifestyle bloggers, the confident smiles of people who were clearly in their element. These are people who know their souvlaki from their moussaka. These are people so immersed in the art and culture of food that their six year old son shows more aptitude in the kitchen than I do. These are people who bake cakes without exploding them. These are people who know food.

And then there was me.

The satirical parenting blogger feted for her kitchen disasters.

The one who heard the words “free cocktails” and “chorizo” over the phone and swooned, before immediately accepting the invitation to participate without actually having the chutzpah to back it up.

I felt like an imposter.

I don’t belong here.

I don’t make recipes, I mangle recipes.

I. CAN’T. COOK.

Seriously. This is not some sort of sickly domestic-goddess pseudo-modesty. I can’t even follow a recipe, let alone come up with my own. I’m the person who never has the right ingredients in the pantry and needs to come up with desperate ad hoc substitutions because I am already half-way through cooking when I finally realise that I am missing several key components. The person who thinks it’s OK to use coconut milk instead of cream in a carbonara because white. The person who thinks it’s OK to use half a jar of leftover salsa instead of passata in bolognaise because tomato.

The only recipe I’ve ever come up with on my own was for a novelty cake made from meat which, granted, is still the only one of its kind in existence and is ranked at number one on Google for the search term “chicken schnitzel cake”.

That’s no mean feat for a non-food blogger. Particularly one who can’t actually cook.

One of them looked like this, and the other one was a completely inedible statement cake held together by illegal levels of food colouring and a multitude of stray horse bristles from a very cheap pastry brush.

Screen Shot 2014-10-09 at 6.27.31 pm           Screen Shot 2014-05-20 at 8.21.03 PM

So maybe – just maybe – I CAN do this, but not on my own.

These are my ingredients. I have kransky, chorizo, bacon, polish salami, twiggy sticks, cocktail franks.

cheese-kransky Screen Shot 2014-10-09 at 7.09.06 pm Screen Shot 2014-10-09 at 7.12.32 pm Screen Shot 2014-10-09 at 7.12.49 pm Screen Shot 2014-10-09 at 7.13.20 pm Screen Shot 2014-10-09 at 7.13.41 pmScreen Shot 2014-10-09 at 7.13.54 pm

I have all these things but I have no clue.

So please, combined intellectual gravitas of the internet, I beg you…

I need your help. I not only need to not embarrass myself, I actually need to impress.

How do I create a recipe? What can I do? Where do I start?!?

Please stop me from embarrassing myself!

 

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103 thoughts on “Please Help! I’ve Just Committed Food Blogging Fraud!

  1. I was invited to the Brisbane event, but unfortunately couldn’t make it due it being held smack bang in the middle of school holidays and I couldn’t snag a babysitter for the day. So here’s my recipe idea for you:
    Boil some pasta (any pasta will do, but spaghetti works best)
    While the pasta is cooking, slice the chorizo & the bacon into bite size pieces.
    Cook those in a hot pan until crispy. Add some chopped garlic & rosemary (dried is fine. No rosemary is also fine if you don’t have a herb rack in your pantry!) Drain the cooked pasta, throw it in the pan with the chorizo, bacon and garlic/herby mix. Add a handful of grated parmesan cheese & a good lug of olive oil and bam! You’re done!!

  2. Hehaheahaheha! One of your funniest! My only suggestion is to buy a tub of sour cream, a packet of French Onion soup, mix together, and use it as a dip for the sausage stuff. That’s a not very good suggestion is it… Sorry, I think I’m actually worse than you.

  3. Lol I got this invite too which I thought was weird as I haven’t blogged in eons! I am curious about the product though. Just find some recipes on the net. Apparently it is only copying if you don’t change the words in the method. You could do pizza with the ham or treat it like a sandwich meat and make a, well I don’t know, sandwich? Hehe look forward to reading the follow up post. Have fun! 😉

  4. Omg Mel, I cracked up so many times whilst reading this that my boyfriend was like ” WHAT???” ahahahahah. Bless you, it was awesome to hang again at the event and truly, the phone is cute! And hipster. Because you’re using the real deal yo!

    Now don’t worry, I’m freaking out too. Or rather, I’m trying to be super creative and come up with something cool. I plan to make it as another post of my month’s #Baketober series, so feel free to join in if that helps out! In terms of ideas…. meatlovers pizza? That way you really only need to make your own dough (or buy the dough!)

    • LOL thanks Helen – I can’t wait to see what you come up with. I bet it will be super-awesome! And thanks for the tip. I think that’s one I could probably pull off! Was so great to hang with you guys x

  5. here’s an easy one. You can use kransky or chorizo. Fry them. Buy hot dog buns (sorry- you will have to make sure you do that in advance). You can make a gourmet hot dog. Look up hot dog toppings and you’ll be able to create something a wiener would be proud of. You could do chorizo in pasta, or risotto.
    Please tell me you don’t need help with bacon. Ok here’s one. Wrap the kransky in bacon. Cover in brown sugar and bake in the oven until crispy. Serious heart attack but your mouth will be having bud-gasms

  6. Don’t ask me. I bought Kabana for hot dogs the other day. Hubby wouldn’t talk to me for a while. Don’t ask the vegetarian to buy you meat if you are going to picky I say.

  7. Don’t do a recipe. Do something wickedly Hugzilla.

    For what it’s worth, I think you should cut up the various sausages into the individual letters of the alphabet. Then digitise each meat letter and write one of your typically witty and insightful blog posts – but in meat.

    To paraphrase Marshall McLuhan: The meat is the message. After all, aren’t we all just bits of meat typing away at keyboards? Aren’t we all just tastefully packaged (o)living things? I am sure you can do better. Something meaty.

  8. Ha ha! Love this post. I am in the same boat really [note: Oliving by Hans post to come in the days ahead!] but I figured: Hey, anyone can make gourmet what nots out of Polish salami and a quennelle of chia cream (or some such), I’m gonna go with a few old favourites! So it’ll be all family-friendly pizzas and picnic platters on my Oliving by Hans report – nothing requiring more than 3 or 4 ingredients. Just make a really, really good looking sandwich and take a ‘hero shot’. I look forward to reading it!

  9. You’re looking at it all wrong – there is a whole world of us ‘can’t be a#sed’ people that don’t cook – we want easy or eat out. You’re THAT food blogger…chuck it on a sandwich with really fancy bread that you bought and some fabbo sauce that also came in a jar…cook the bacon to perfection and chuck on some lettuce. Ta-dah. Invite me round to eat it and I’ll take the photos….

  10. Great post! My favourite line…”use coconut milk instead of cream in a carbonara because white”. Good luck with the recipe challenge.

  11. Chorizo and Creamy Garlic Scrambled Egg Breakfast Tortillas
    Cheese and Bacon Ravioli with a Spicy Chorizo Sauce
    Pastry Wrapped Cocktail Frankfurts with a Spicy Chorizo Dipping Sauce
    Cheese and Kransky Mini Quiches
    Caesar Salad with Fried Twiggy Crisps

  12. You are hilarious. I have no recipe suggestions, really. I eat all those things and make recipes other people create with them! Maybe some chorizo and cheese muffins? Why not a variation on your snitzel cake and have a “spanish” style topping? chorizo, tomatoes and cheese?

    • Oh god, that sounds divine. I just see the word “chorizo”…. “chorizo” and my little heart skips a beat. My husband would probably shed tears of joy if I made that spin on the schnitzel cake.

    • Yes, it is very hard to go wrong with pizza, even for someone like me! I’m still happy I made it though. I can tick “get served green cocktail by man with purple hair” off my bucket list. LOL.

  13. Here you go:

    GUARANTEED TO TANTALISE ANY TODDLER TASTE BUDS!

    Ingredients: 1 cocktail frank, 1 piece of pan-sized bacon, long bread roll (white), tomato sauce (salt ADDED).

    Method: Cook bacon in pan. Chop it up. Heat up the cocktail frank in boiling water. Whack it in the bread roll. Sprinkle with bacon, drown in tomato sauce.

    Done. Dinner served. Please feel free to use this recipe:-)

    • LOL, wow, this looks super-hard. I’m gonna need to dig out my pristine copy of “Stephanie Alexander’s Cooks Companion” so I can check the glossary for some of these terms. Sounds delish!!

  14. Well I don’t use recipes ever, so I don’t really get the whole “recipe development” thing…I say throw shit in the pan!! Make a pizza. 5 meats pizza or something.

  15. I’d be like… put cocktail franks in microwave, zap and serve with tomato sauce.

    But I did have a recipe I used to make with chorizo or salami etc. You basically stir fry cubed chicken with onion and garlic (and some herbs) until almost cooked, then add chorizo etc then passatta or tinned tomatoes or similar. Serve with pasta. The chicken / sausagey taste is yummy.

    PS. I love Hans cos they’ve been offering gluten-free stuff for years!

  16. You can’t go wrong with many of the suggestion. Chorizo, pasta, might as well use the bacon, spinach, yummy cheese …ok I’m now off to raid the fridge! Good luck

  17. I think getting you on board is GENIUS. ‘If the self-professed kitchen failure can do it, so can you!’ BRILLIANT.
    Start with a recipe (or just vague cooking approach) you currently use and change it just a little. Chicken chorizo risotto (cook chicken, mushroom and chorizo first, remove from pan, onion in the yummy fatty chorizo juices for a minute, add 2 cups arborio rice, slowly add six cups of stock until the rice looks delish, throw the other things back in until all warm and mixed and deliciously chorizoey. Garnish if you want.)
    Or find a zucchini slice recipe and tweak the amounts. I use the one at food.com.au (I think) but with double the bacon (BECAUSE BACON), less onion and no cheese (BECAUSE LACTOSE). You could get fancy and throw some other things in there too.

    • LOL, and if she can’t – well – AT LEAST you are NOT HER. Thank you, I will take my current… errr….”vague cooking approach” and add bucketloads of chorizo and bacon. Got it.

  18. So I won’t read a recipe post unless it’s slightly flawed and crap BUT I reckon that is how you post eg – I was a bit out of my comfort zone but I tried this, added this, drank this (bottle of whatever) and wow look at what I made!!!!!!!!!!!!! Wing it girl xx

  19. Just chuck the load of it on a plate with some olives. Et voila you have an Oliving extra meaty Antipasto platter! Thanks for the link – the six year old is still undecided as to what we’re posting. Better hurry up though before I eat it all… stuff is good!

  20. This is an awesome post! Thanks for making me laugh. 🙂

    All my suggestions have already been said (pizza, BLT, “gourmet” sandwich), so I’ll leave it at saying I can’t wait to see what you come up with!

    Ali (from The Mindset Effect – so you know who the random drop-in is) 😉

  21. Oh you are precious. I went to the Brisbane one. I actually had two recipe ideas and went with the macaroni cheese and kransky. The other one, which you can steal, was simply 2 tortilla wraps, put the ham, cheese, baby spinach, sweet chilli sauces (and whatever else you like) on one wrap, put the other wrap on top. Toast it on a sandwich press until the cheese melts and cut it into triangles…voila, a quesadilla!

    • Thanks Eva! I loved your post and I actually have it bookmarked so I can make it during the week to see if my notoriously fussy kids will eat it (the husband will inhale it, I know).

    • *high fives* LOL. It was such a fun night. Cocktails and people making ME food. “Here madam, eat from this yummy platter of food someone else prepared for you”. Well, don’t mind if I do!

  22. I say go with a BLT or sub sandwich oozing with aioli (you can even buy that pre made) although that said I do think the schnitzel cake and use twiggy sticks as bday candles suggestion is freaking genius! Good luck, and look at it this way, even if by chance you totally screwed it up, I have a feeling everyone would pretty much love what you make for the simple fact you are keeping it real! 😉 xx

  23. That Reese Witherspoon GIF is pure gold!!! Chorizo sausages with spaghetti, pesto sauce, parsley and coriander sprinkled over the top. Douse with lots of parmesan cheese. Winner winner chorizo dinner! 🙂 x

  24. Your shnitzel cake is gold! My husband would love that. As for ideas for your recipe: pizza or pasta! They are simple yet effective. This can work for either – add rocket or spinach, onion, pesto, fresh diced tomato, roasted pinenuts, and a little bit of balsamic vinegar over the top! DELISH!!

    • Thank you 🙂 I’m giggling so much at your comment. If I had a dollar for every time someone said “My husband would love that” I could retire young. LOL. Men and their schnitzel!

  25. Oh! I went to the Melbourne Oliving by hans event and made a recipe, but had a ton of recipes in my mind. This was what I was GOING to do because it was easy but I then decided on actually developing a recipe because I am a food blogger… I couldn’t get away with this. but YOU could. Are you ready?

    Charcuterie board. Get the salami, ham, cherry tomatoes, cheese, baguette, pesto, dip, pickels and VOILA – done! The main point oliving wants t com across is how the deli range doesn’t sacrifice flavour but is healthier!

    • Thanks Bec! I managed to hammer out a whole bunch of things on the weekend, but this sounds really yummy, and, errrr, I had to google “charcuterie”. What an awesome word!! I’m definitely adding that one to the vocabulary 🙂

  26. Hahaha! Love it. My only suggestion would be some sort of charcuterie board. But that ain’t no recipe thats just fancy nibbles. So I am no help here! Looking forward to the follow up post 😛

  27. Ha ha ha! Such a funny post Melissa. I’m good at following recipes but not so good at making them up – I think my solution would be salami on toothpicks with a side of cheese – which is tasty, but probably not so helpful to your cause! 🙂

  28. I’ve just come across this post i haven’t got the chance to read yet and…I laughed so hard. We do not want professional savvy experts that will cooked the most incredible beautiful amazing instagram #foodporn picture or highly technical recipe: we want real people that say how they are using the range, if they like it, what they prefer, and eventually how and what they done out of it looks like (because, let’s be honest, human being, being a visual creature, it’s way easier to figure out if we would want to try it and how if we see a picture of it). Your idea of asking your community how to best represent is amazing. But let me know, where is the recipe? Now i want to see the result (and yes even a picture) of this collaborative effort! 😉
    Thank you for being this person, thank you all for being moms with your questions, your problems and your differences. Do not hesitate to get in touch with me if you have any questions.
    Have a nice day and i am looking forward to reading your articles again. Blog Bookmarked!! 😉

    Ronnie
    Hans Smallgoods
    Digital and Social Media Manager

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