NOTE: Just a quick comment to say that I have done a small edit on this post. Those who may have seen an earlier version would have noticed that I used the term “Thermie Tourettes” and I was quite rightly called out on it. I have a son with a disability myself, so I should have been more sensitive and if I ever thought anyone was even in the slightest way mocking him I’d go all Tiger-Mom on their asses. Consider myself slapped on both cheeks, and the appropriate changes have been made. Apologies for being an insensitive jerk.
Over the last twelve months there has been a global outbreak of a devastating virus, an outbreak which is now reaching epidemic proportions. It’s called Thermomix, and it’s coming to a kitchen near you.
Please read the following fact sheet carefully, so that you can protect yourself and your loved ones from this threat.
What is the Thermomix Virus?
Thermomix meets the clinical criteria for a virus: they are non-living, infective organisms that cannot reproduce without a host. The host typically assembles groups of potential agents and holds them captive for several hours, feeding them mushroom risotto and fresh custard while the virus spreads to new hosts. These hosts will then go on to infect others in a systematic and thoroughly organised manner
Once established, Thermomix takes over the host’s functions, cooking all its meals from scratch and rendering the host redundant; all the while continuing to reproduce itself. Contagion is rapid and widespread. Thermomix attacks the digestive system with targeted food vectors and – though we are still unsure of the exact mechanism – attacks the parts of the brain involved with rational decision-making and impulse control.
Researchers are unable to make a close study of Thermomix, and so much about this virus remains shrouded in secrecy to the uninfected. We have limited information about what Thermomix actually does, and at this stage there is no way of collecting the relevant data without exposure to “Thermomix Parties”, with the subsequent risk of infection. Infected persons are notorious for their secrecy and their refusal to disclose basic information about Thermomix outside of these host parties.
Symptoms of the Thermomix Virus
1. Loss of financial inhibition; a propensity for reckless spending on fad appliances
2. An uncontrollable urge to talk about their fad appliances; the clinical term for this is “Thermie Verbal Diarrhoea”.
3. Manic social activity; affected persons exert significant amounts of energy assembling groups of potential agents to facilitate the spread of the virus
4. Promiscuous behaviour, often with random strangers; affected persons engage in reckless and compulsive recipe-swapping behaviours
Prevention and Treatment of the Thermomix Virus
There is no known vaccination or cure for Thermomix. The current advice is to avoid all known sources of infection and to steer clear of so-called “Thermomix Parties”. If you think you may have been exposed to the Thermomix virus it is vital you contact your bank to take immediate steps to disable your credit cards and place all available funds in lock-down. A prophylactic course of hard liquor is also advised.
If you know anyone who has Thermomix, the current advice is to stay away from them until the virus has run its natural course and dies out. This may take years. Be prepared to lose friends and family to this insidious disease.
Do you know anyone who is obsessed with their Thermomix? Feel free to ‘fess up if it’s you!