Most women crave choc-chip cookies, mushy peas, ice cream, pickles or any number of other bizarre food combinations during their pregnancies. I am not most women.
I craved Windex, fresh carpet and dishwasher tablets.
Before we go any further I just want to clarify that all of this is actually true. People who read my blog often mistake instances of outlandish truth for utter bollocks, and I just want to reassure you that I am not being sarcastic. I did actually crave Windex, the same way I do actually wear a bum bag and I do manage to explode every single cake I ever bake. I don’t make this stuff up. This is my actual life. If I was going to make stuff up I’d make myself look a lot more awesome than this.
A lot of women view their pregnancies as some kind of mystical testament to the miracle of nature, but I just saw it as 42 long weeks of nature taking-the-piss in the worst possible way. Heartburn, uncontrollable flatulence, minimal bladder capacity, chronic constipation, fat ankles, all-day-sickness, stabby vag and debilitating leg cramps are just a few delightful side effects of pregnancy that spring to mind.
All of those things are about as much fun as a Brazilian wax followed by a pubic mound chemical peel but for me, the biggest act of nature taking the piss was this insatiable craving for bizarre non-food items, most of which could be found in the cleaning aisle at Coles.
I had a voracious appetite. An Appetite for Domestos.
My first pregnancy was awesome. I craved caramel sundaes and cheese Twisties and Magnum Gold ice-creams and put on only 13kg throughout the entire gestation. My second pregnancy I craved a whole bunch of non-food items that would have killed me if I’d eaten them, and put on 25kg. Go figure.
This isn’t just me being an uber-weirdo, this is actually a thing and it’s called pica. Pregnant women who crave non-edible substances. Nature taking the piss. People who have pica crave (and sometimes consume) things like ice chips, dirt, laundry soap, hair, matches, sponges and carpet. It’s not definitively known why some women experience pica during their pregnancies, but nutritional deficiencies are one of the suspected causes.
So, that was me. The Pica Pregzilla.
I was the creepy pregnant lady in the corner at Carpet Court, panting over sample books of fresh carpet and sucking in that delicious cocktail of volatile organic compounds, much like Dennis Hopper sucked on that tank of nitrous in “Blue Velvet”.
I was the weird preggo wrestling with the insane desire to pluck the Finish powerball out of the dishwashing tablet and eat it, every time I used the dishwasher. That little ball tugging at hazy memories of days past, its cute little red nose reminiscent of a Bubble-O-Bill ice-cream.
I was the crazy gestator who spent less time decorating the nursery and more time huffing on the paint tins instead. I wanted to drink the stuff. I wanted to dip my oversized mug and guzzle Dulux quarter-strength “Hogs Bristle” by the gallon.
I wanted to scull bottles of Spray ‘n’ Wipe. I wanted to gnaw on permanent markers. I wanted to consume every aromatic chemical substance I encountered, and it all seems so utterly insane as I write this. Because it was.
Pica. Nature’s supreme act of pregnancy piss-taking.
Anyone else get the urge to chow down on chux wipes or cleaning products during their pregnancy? What cravings did you experience, food or otherwise?