Great Mysteries of the World: Why Can’t Boys Control Their Penis?

 

If there is one thing guaranteed to get your day started off on the right foot, it’s being woken up by your kids at some obscene hour of the morning, dragging your bleary-eyed self into the bathroom for your morning ablutions and stepping barefoot into a warm of puddle of piss. This was me today, at 5:15am.

Good morning sunshine!

Since having children I’ve come to discover that boys peeing all over the bathroom like oscillating sprinklers is a disgustingly common occurrence; one which will have mums-of-boys nodding their heads in tired resignation and will leave mums-of-girls with their mouths agape in slack-jawed disbelief. Before I had boys I would never have believed it possible that a fully toilet-trained child could explode with the force of a fire hydrant and drench an entire room in piss. I have since seen it happen.

This is the life of mums with boys. No matter how clean you are, no matter how meticulous you are and no matter how many hard-core cleaning products you employ, your bathroom will always smell like a nightclub urinal after last drinks have been called at 3am. Now that you have young boys, your bathroom will always smell faintly or overtly of piss, and you will cringe every time one of your visitors needs to relieve themselves. You will become “that woman” on the TV commercial for Harpic toilet cleaners, the overly-neurotic one with her absurd toilet-bowl paranoia. You now understand her pain in a way you thought you never could.

Screen Shot 2014-07-25 at 9.55.20 am

This is another one of those things that you never seem to read about in any parenting manual. Parenting expert and “Penis PhD” Steve Biddulph never mentions it in any of his best-selling books about raising boys, which in my humble opinion is a massive oversight.

So I will put it to you, fine denizens of the internet:

Why the hell can’t boys accurately aim a narrow stream of urine into the generous circumference of a standard toilet bowl?

I’m not talking about lids being left up. I’m not talking about a few stray drops of pee making their way onto the seat, because heaven knows we are all capable of that. I am talking about massive deposits of urine being streamed on walls and floors all around the toilet. It seeps into the grout and delicately diffuses the delightful aroma of “Eau de Pisse” into the entire room for a period of 3-6 months.

Look, I just don’t understand this at all. It’s not hard. There is a big gaping ceramic hole, the penis is aptly designed for digital manipulation and evolution gifted us with the human hand, a triumph of design for dexterity and fine motor control. I’m honestly not seeing the issue here.

Take penis in hand, point penis at large target, void bladder.

Am I missing something here? Is peeing with a penis more complicated than that?

Do your boys do this? When does it stop? PLEEEEEEASE tell me it STOPS!!

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24 thoughts on “Great Mysteries of the World: Why Can’t Boys Control Their Penis?

  1. oh yes my boys do this. I have four aged 8-4 and we have wee everywhere around the toilet. It is so gross. My second son is proud that he can go to the toilet without holding on to his penis. Look he yells “hands free”. He thinks he is so clever. Honest. He’s not being cheeky. But he can’t do it. I hope they grow out of it too. We are in the process of giving the master bedroom to my boys to share. This way they also get the ensuite bathroom, and I won’t have to share it with them ever. AND I won’t fret when people come over. They can keep the mess (and the smell) in their room.

    • Oh yes, I imagine that the teenage years will bring with them a whole host of other fun times in your household. Hopefully my boys will have at least learned to aim properly by then!

  2. hehe. Arrived here from Talking Frankly and you’ve inspired me to add one of my older posts to include in “Have A Laugh On Me”. I’ll just say this though – if you add just a few inches to the length of a urethra it becomes much harder to control. (And let’s not get into the tyranny of foreskins here)

  3. I will try to be gentlemanly about this.

    When one wees standing up, it’s a bit like watering with a hose but not hanging onto the nozzle. The stream should go in the direction you’re aiming but sometimes it doesn’t. Those of us over the age of 6 take no joy in shooting wee all over the place – but it happens sometimes.

    The obvious solution is for gents to do their wees sitting down. There is a lovely passage in Gabriel Garcia Marquez’s “Love in the Time of Cholera” where it’s disclosed the male protagonist has been weeing sitting down for years for the sake of his marriage.

    I am surprised there isn’t a social media movement about this yet.

    • Dude seriously, every man I know who has discussed this post with me has hit me with an encyclopaedic list of reasons why aiming urine into a ceramic bowl is the most complicated thing since Rutherford spilt the atom. LOL.

    • I can’t believe I never thought of that. Seriously. LOL. My 4.5 year old is in the full swing of “girls are grotty creatures” and will refuse to do it now, I have no doubt. I’m just gonna invest in Easy Off Bam shares I think.

  4. I am yet to experience this in my house but one day I know I will when my son is older. I have however experienced stepping into a puddle of wee at my sisters house, so kindly left by one of my nephews. YUK! I grew up with no brothers and two sisters, so this is all very new to me.

    • Stepping in pee is SO gross! I’m not sure what it is about pee, but you know straight away it ain’t water, even if it’s not warm. LOL. Your little boy will surprise you one day, that much is for sure!

  5. Lean in close I want to tell you a little secret but you must promise not to tell anyone … Of course we can hit the bowl! We’re not idiots you know!

    It’s just that sometimes a distraction takes our attention away from the task at hand and we can miss the target. It might be fly, a mosquito or a spider . It could be that we are thinking of how we might surprise our special lady with an impromptu gift such as vacuuming the rumpus room or feeding the kids – I bet you didn’t think of that.

    Never forget, the next time you get a tad upset if we accidentally miss the bowl – treat us guys gently. You catch more flies with honey than vinegar.

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