If there is one thing guaranteed to get your day started off on the right foot, it’s being woken up by your kids at some obscene hour of the morning, dragging your bleary-eyed self into the bathroom for your morning ablutions and stepping barefoot into a warm of puddle of piss. This was me today, at 5:15am.
Good morning sunshine!
Since having children I’ve come to discover that boys peeing all over the bathroom like oscillating sprinklers is a disgustingly common occurrence; one which will have mums-of-boys nodding their heads in tired resignation and will leave mums-of-girls with their mouths agape in slack-jawed disbelief. Before I had boys I would never have believed it possible that a fully toilet-trained child could explode with the force of a fire hydrant and drench an entire room in piss. I have since seen it happen.
This is the life of mums with boys. No matter how clean you are, no matter how meticulous you are and no matter how many hard-core cleaning products you employ, your bathroom will always smell like a nightclub urinal after last drinks have been called at 3am. Now that you have young boys, your bathroom will always smell faintly or overtly of piss, and you will cringe every time one of your visitors needs to relieve themselves. You will become “that woman” on the TV commercial for Harpic toilet cleaners, the overly-neurotic one with her absurd toilet-bowl paranoia. You now understand her pain in a way you thought you never could.
This is another one of those things that you never seem to read about in any parenting manual. Parenting expert and “Penis PhD” Steve Biddulph never mentions it in any of his best-selling books about raising boys, which in my humble opinion is a massive oversight.
So I will put it to you, fine denizens of the internet:
Why the hell can’t boys accurately aim a narrow stream of urine into the generous circumference of a standard toilet bowl?
I’m not talking about lids being left up. I’m not talking about a few stray drops of pee making their way onto the seat, because heaven knows we are all capable of that. I am talking about massive deposits of urine being streamed on walls and floors all around the toilet. It seeps into the grout and delicately diffuses the delightful aroma of “Eau de Pisse” into the entire room for a period of 3-6 months.
Look, I just don’t understand this at all. It’s not hard. There is a big gaping ceramic hole, the penis is aptly designed for digital manipulation and evolution gifted us with the human hand, a triumph of design for dexterity and fine motor control. I’m honestly not seeing the issue here.
Take penis in hand, point penis at large target, void bladder.
Am I missing something here? Is peeing with a penis more complicated than that?
Do your boys do this? When does it stop? PLEEEEEEASE tell me it STOPS!!