Five Reasons Why Half-Birthdays are Bullshit

Happy Belated Half-Birthday to Me.

What a loser. I missed my own half-birthday. According to sophisticated online calculators, my half-birthday was back on June 30.

From Wikipedia:

A half-birthday is a day approximately six months before or after the anniversary of a person’s birth. It is sometimes marked by people whose birthday falls near major holidays, the celebration of which may overshadow celebration of the birthday. It may also be marked by students whose birthday does not occur during the regular school year; a half-birthday allows a celebration with friends at school.

Imagine the gut-wrenching disappointment when my half-birthday – a make-shift event intended as consolation for my actual birthday being overshadowed by a major holiday – was overshadowed by the excitement and the fury of the end of the financial year.

Happy EOFYS everyone! You lose again, Zilla.

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Like all things over-the-top and entirely unneccessary, it’s a phenomenon driven largely by Pinterest. I’m starting to wonder if Pinterest isn’t the biggest practical joke God has pulled since he made the face of Jesus appear in that toasted cheese sandwich. I mean, seriously, most of that stuff CANNOT be for real. Gender reveal parties, half-birthdays, cake-pops, 101 uses for mason jars, all that hideous ombre fabric that looks like they’ve mixed their darks into a load of white laundry and then pretended it was deliberate when everything came out with big ugly stains all over it.

As I was researching this post, I came upon an article titled “Top Reasons to Celebrate Your Child’s Half Birthday”, featured on the Metro Parent website. When I first clicked on the link to the article I was praying that it was going to be some sort of Onion-style parody, but alas, it was genuine. Someone actually came up with five ridiculous reasons which they legitimately believe support the notion of the half-birthday.

If, like me, you are in danger of popping a vein as you strain to think of a single damn reason this could ever be a good idea, below are the five key points from the Metro Parent article and the corresponding rebuttal from Zilla, proud citizen of Planet Sensible.

Print

Reason # 1: Your child has a summer birthday

Look, I feel for Little Onyx. I really do. My birthday is smack bang in the middle of the end-of-year school holidays; four days after Christmas and two days before New Years Eve. No one is around, nobody has any cash to blow, everyone is partied out. People are away on holidays, you don’t get to see any of your school friends. People simply forget.

Here’s what my parents did about that: Nothing.

Here’s what I did about that: I sucked it up and got on with things because, you know, kids are resilient like that. Remarkable.

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Reason # 2: It’s too cold for an outdoor birthday party

Newsflash: Have an indoor birthday party. Problem solved, without that pesky need to over-indulge your child and annoy your long-suffering friends.

Unless, of course, you are hosting Little Onyx’s party in a sheep’s wool yurt situated in outer Mongolia during the frigid peak of the northern hemisphere winter. If that is the case, you have my blessing to throw a half-birthday party the following summer, once all your livestock has thawed.

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Reason # 3: You have a baby

Two words: So what.

NOTE TO PEOPLE WITH BABIES: The baby has no idea what its hands are, let alone what a birthday is. The baby has no concept of itself as an autonomous human being and as such does not need to celebrate a half birthday, no matter how much he or she has grown over the previous six month period. The baby will be more than content to sit around in its own excrement and experiment with saliva in lieu of a half-birthday party, so you can cancel the custom bunting and matching napkins.

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Reason # 4: Grandparents want their own day with your child

Yep, it’s called “Come over on Sunday and hang out with my kid. Which Sunday? Any Sunday. What time suits you?”

Grandparents do not need the elaborate ruse of a faux-birthday to claim some quality time with their grandchildren. And, if they do, I would hazard a guess that a trip to the Family Law Court might be more advisable than a trip to the party supplies store.

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Reason # 5: You want an excuse for a really cool party

And I have to quote directly from the article here – I just have to – because you wouldn’t believe me:

“Half birthday parties lend themselves to fun ideas – you can halve everything! From the invitations to the cake to the games to the food, you can use halfsies as the theme. Start the party at half past six. Serve the kids half of a pizza and glasses of juice that are half full. Watch half of a movie after eating a slice of half a cake – you get the gist.”

I have a fun idea!

If you ever have the balls-out temerity to invite me to your half-birthday party, I promise you I will personally take an axe to your birthday present, right after the half-cake gets cut. 

“HALFSIES!!”

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13 thoughts on “Five Reasons Why Half-Birthdays are Bullshit

  1. I think I’m more concerned about the fact that they named their child Onyx than I am about their lame reasons for having a half birthday. Will they have a quarter birthday if the half birthday is deemed inconvenient? When will the horror end?

    • Bahahhahahhahah! I thought EXACTLY the same thing. Poor little Onyx. His or her parents are really doing a number on that kid. I think we just need to quit with all this complexity and celebrate everyone’s birthday every single day.

  2. We’re “halfing” a party? What a load of shit.

    Neither of my kids can have half birthdays because it falls directly on the other one’s actual birthday. I planned it like that because I am the mother from hell and I want my children to suffer with only one birthday each per year.

  3. Lol I hear half birthday and all I can really think of is that this means I will have to come up with 2 fancy birthday cakes for the one person each year…because you are hardly going to let the actual birthday pasd woth no cake. Bit I see from your post that half a cake is acceptable…because there is nothi g ridiculous about that!

  4. Super bitter. Who cares if people want to have a half birthday. My son was born on Christmas eve. My friend was born on Christmas. They both have half birthdays. I was born five days before Christmas and my sister-in-law was born two days after. We celebrate on our birthdays. No one cares. Your extreme feelings over something so trivial is as pathetic as the examples of outrage you post about. You don’t seem to care if you insult people because, “truth” right? Side note: Criticizing someone’s name is ridiculously classy.

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