Happy Belated Half-Birthday to Me.
What a loser. I missed my own half-birthday. According to sophisticated online calculators, my half-birthday was back on June 30.
A half-birthday is a day approximately six months before or after the anniversary of a person’s birth. It is sometimes marked by people whose birthday falls near major holidays, the celebration of which may overshadow celebration of the birthday. It may also be marked by students whose birthday does not occur during the regular school year; a half-birthday allows a celebration with friends at school.
Imagine the gut-wrenching disappointment when my half-birthday – a make-shift event intended as consolation for my actual birthday being overshadowed by a major holiday – was overshadowed by the excitement and the fury of the end of the financial year.
Happy EOFYS everyone! You lose again, Zilla.
Like all things over-the-top and entirely unneccessary, it’s a phenomenon driven largely by Pinterest. I’m starting to wonder if Pinterest isn’t the biggest practical joke God has pulled since he made the face of Jesus appear in that toasted cheese sandwich. I mean, seriously, most of that stuff CANNOT be for real. Gender reveal parties, half-birthdays, cake-pops, 101 uses for mason jars, all that hideous ombre fabric that looks like they’ve mixed their darks into a load of white laundry and then pretended it was deliberate when everything came out with big ugly stains all over it.
As I was researching this post, I came upon an article titled “Top Reasons to Celebrate Your Child’s Half Birthday”, featured on the Metro Parent website. When I first clicked on the link to the article I was praying that it was going to be some sort of Onion-style parody, but alas, it was genuine. Someone actually came up with five ridiculous reasons which they legitimately believe support the notion of the half-birthday.
If, like me, you are in danger of popping a vein as you strain to think of a single damn reason this could ever be a good idea, below are the five key points from the Metro Parent article and the corresponding rebuttal from Zilla, proud citizen of Planet Sensible.
Reason # 1: Your child has a summer birthday
Look, I feel for Little Onyx. I really do. My birthday is smack bang in the middle of the end-of-year school holidays; four days after Christmas and two days before New Years Eve. No one is around, nobody has any cash to blow, everyone is partied out. People are away on holidays, you don’t get to see any of your school friends. People simply forget.
Here’s what my parents did about that: Nothing.
Here’s what I did about that: I sucked it up and got on with things because, you know, kids are resilient like that. Remarkable.
Reason # 2: It’s too cold for an outdoor birthday party
Newsflash: Have an indoor birthday party. Problem solved, without that pesky need to over-indulge your child and annoy your long-suffering friends.
Unless, of course, you are hosting Little Onyx’s party in a sheep’s wool yurt situated in outer Mongolia during the frigid peak of the northern hemisphere winter. If that is the case, you have my blessing to throw a half-birthday party the following summer, once all your livestock has thawed.
Reason # 3: You have a baby
Two words: So what.
NOTE TO PEOPLE WITH BABIES: The baby has no idea what its hands are, let alone what a birthday is. The baby has no concept of itself as an autonomous human being and as such does not need to celebrate a half birthday, no matter how much he or she has grown over the previous six month period. The baby will be more than content to sit around in its own excrement and experiment with saliva in lieu of a half-birthday party, so you can cancel the custom bunting and matching napkins.
Reason # 4: Grandparents want their own day with your child
Yep, it’s called “Come over on Sunday and hang out with my kid. Which Sunday? Any Sunday. What time suits you?”
Grandparents do not need the elaborate ruse of a faux-birthday to claim some quality time with their grandchildren. And, if they do, I would hazard a guess that a trip to the Family Law Court might be more advisable than a trip to the party supplies store.
Reason # 5: You want an excuse for a really cool party
And I have to quote directly from the article here – I just have to – because you wouldn’t believe me:
“Half birthday parties lend themselves to fun ideas – you can halve everything! From the invitations to the cake to the games to the food, you can use halfsies as the theme. Start the party at half past six. Serve the kids half of a pizza and glasses of juice that are half full. Watch half of a movie after eating a slice of half a cake – you get the gist.”
I have a fun idea!
If you ever have the balls-out temerity to invite me to your half-birthday party, I promise you I will personally take an axe to your birthday present, right after the half-cake gets cut.