Baby beauty competitions are a hotly-contested forum for mums and dads to foist their unassuming infant children into the spotlight for public scrutiny, judgement and comparison. Like never before, social media has given parents an easily-accessible platform to fight amongst themselves for the esteemed title of who has reproduced the best genetic material.
You know that Little Braxtyn is the best. Here is your chance to prove it, with these five simple strategies:
1. Give Your Child a “Uneek” Name
It’s quite simple. Your child will never become a star if you bequeath them with a boring, traditional, correctly-spelled name like Bradley. Or Angelina.
As part of my research for this article I did an exhaustive content analysis of thousands of male and female entrants in two of the biggest baby competitions hosted by this country, and this is what I learned: the “Bonds Baby Search” should be renamed the “Bonds Dictionary Search”, judging by the wholesale mutilation of even the most common and easily-spelt names.
Deliberately mis-spelling your child’s name makes them more special. Throwing a random, unpronounceable assortment of letters and phonetic combinations together makes your child more exotic. And memorable. It bestows Little Harmyni and Little Leevye with an instantaneous star quality that Little Melissa could never hope to achieve with her moribund, phonetically-congruous name.
Your child is unique. They deserve a unique name like the precious, enigmatic snowflake they are.
Top Five Baby Competition Boys Names
Top Five Baby Competition Girls Names
2. Procure a Massive Headband
One of the fundamental principles of baby beauty competitions is this: the bigger the headband, the better the ranking. The best headbands are those that easily outsize your baby’s infant skull by a ratio of at least 2:1; the gaudier, more lurid and less organic-looking the better.
Massive headbands that incorporate a fascinator and a floral motif are the best-kept secret to Little Kyllisha’s success in baby competitions. No one wants to see your baby’s bald, ugly little mis-shapen skull. No one wants to see those sunken fontanelles, those icky little spidery veins weaving erratically underneath translucent pale skin. You can forget about winning if your baby’s temples are even partially visible. That’s a fact.
Here are some prize-winning examples:
3. Hire a Professional Photographer
Lighting. Props. Photoshop. If you want your kid not to look ugly you’ll need these.
Forget about snapping Little Blayde in the bath with an iPhone and running it through a tacky-looking Instagram filter. That’s what amateurs do. That’s what hacks do. To really stand out you need to conceptualise, plan and painstakingly storyboard your own bespoke photoshoot.
A good professional will have the best wine buckets, the most artsy-looking headbands and a heavy hand in the photo-editing toolbox. Your kid needs to look like they’ve had their skin bleached six shades lighter, with hair so blonde and eyes so luminous and blue you suspect that they might just up and mutilate you with a scythe at a moment’s notice. They need to shine, like the stars they are.
4. Harrass Your Social Network to Vote for Your Child
There are literally thousands of baby mug shots to wade through on these sites, so you need to go the extra mile if you want to give your child the competitive edge. You need to make them visually stand out, which you can do via the key strategies we have already covered above.
Your other primary strategy is to alienate every single friend and co-worker and aquaintance and family member you have ever possessed by beseeching them on a daily basis to vote for your kid. To be honest, if you really want to win this thing you have to do it, because ultimately it’s a popularity contest. Even the ugliest babies can win with the weight of Mum and Dad’s social media hordes amassed faithfully behind them.
Harness the power of your social, professional and familial networks. IT IS ABOUT WINNING AT ALL COSTS. If these people – who profess to care for you – can’t even take five seconds out of their day to vote for Little Sherkaya 87 times a week then they don’t truly love you and to be honest, you need those toxic assholes out of your life.
Guilt trips, manipulation, perky exhortations, passive aggressive moaning, outright petulance, relentless harrassment: these are your best emotional tools. Use them.
5. Enter Your Child in Competition as Early as Possible
We live in a culture so obsessed with appearance and fame and popularity that it is now normal – nay, advisable – to enter your unborn foetus in a nationwide baby beauty contest. No, really. Don’t just take my word for it, see the image below, which I swear to you is 100% genuine.
This go-getting, pushy stage mum has already decided that Little Scarlett-Rose is going to be a star before she has even pushed her out of her vagina. This is what you have to do to succeed in the high-pressure world of baby beauty competitions. You need to get real if you want to compete with that. If we are going to be brutally honest here, you might as well forget about your 3 month old. It’s too late for her. You need to start working on them in-utero, before the dimples have even formed.
And just think, if we are already voting on who has the cutest embryo it is totally forseeable that people will start submitting their sperm samples for contention. Who has the cutest little swimmers? Better start slipping some powdered Menevit into his scrambled eggs.
Rate my Jizz Jar!
Like my Ovum!
Vote for my Zygote!
It’s all about being the best.