Quite a few of my friends have pestered me about this exorcism I have planned as an adjunct to sleep training my toddler, which I discussed in one of my recent posts. I never knew that so many of my friends were interested in the occult – or my kids – but there you go.
So anyway, clearly the ghost in residence doesn’t read my blog because the very threat of an exorcism has not deterred him from continuing his early morning visits to wake my 15 month old son up between 4:30 and 5:00am every day. I guess maybe it’s because he is only a three year old ghost and can’t actually read. Or, perhaps, that he is aware of the forthcoming exorcism but is not taking my threats seriously, which puts him in the same league as all of the human children who live under this roof too.
Baby Ghost might be onto something. Five days later and I’ve still yet to squeeze this exorcism in between grocery shopping, hair appointments, power outages, preschool assignments, playgroup, paid work, slave work and the fact that I forgot to get the goddamn smudge sticks. I’m not going to be able to get into town for another few days so I am going to have to make do with an interim DIY-exorcism with whatever random household items I have lying around.
I googled for help.
DIY exorcism with common household items.
Apparently I can do something with white candles and herbs.
Damn. I only have black candles.
Damn. I only have fresh parsley and rosemary.
I’m not too sure if the black candles are a good idea. Black = evil, hateful things and all that. Black magic, black arts, black jellybeans, the Black-Eyed Peas. The rosemary is probably OK (I hope the ghost didn’t like roast lamb) and I’m guessing that the parsley will be as utterly useless in an exorcism as it is in a recipe.
I also quite conveniently have a crucifix. I’m not religious and I have never been in possession of one, ever, but in a remarkable stroke of serendipity I actually have a vampire slayer cross in my possession this week because of the line of work I am in, which – if nothing else – makes my work seem far more dynamic and interesting than it really is. So I can nix the ghost and send a very strong message to any stray vampires that might be lurking about at the same time, not to wake my goddamn kids up before dawn.
In fact, as I am typing this a friend of mine is PMing me through Facebook with the totally unsolicited but incredibly helpful suggestion of a silver cross, a Bible and some holy water. Ka-ching. This post writes itself.
I can tick the silver cross off and I do actually have what I think is a vintage brown leather Bible being used in a decorative vignette with some artfully-stacked brass bangles on my nightstand. Errr, yes. I am a heathen. I realise that. It’s pretty, I like it, it adds texture to my tablescape, and if I wasn’t going to Hell before I think I just sealed the deal.
So, in summary, I am going to wander around my house today with black candles, smouldering herbs, a vampire slayer cross and a Bible whilst chanting incantations for a baby ghost to leave my house and find the light, and all of this is going to make my kid sleep later in the mornings.
Chronic sleep deprivation makes you do some crazy, desperate shit.
Read about why I needed to do an exorcism HERE.
Read about the results of the exorcism HERE.