Hugzilla’s Top 5 Nursery Essentials for New Parents

So I came across this graphic on a much more successful blog than mine. She gets free shit. Lots of free shit.

I mean, this chick knows how to work it in a most sophisticated manner. She doesn’t just have advertising, she has “Fabulous Sponsors”, “Affiliates” and is a “Brand Ambassador” for several well-known multi-nationals. She gets given whitegoods. Stainless steel whitegoods. There’s not much I wouldn’t do for a free fridge.

Anyways, she is a brand ambassador for Sears, and it is Sears that have plied her with matching swag for her totally unbiased “Top 5 Nursery Essentials” article, which is pictured below. These are all the important things you’ll need to procure before you bring that delightful little bundle back home with you. Or are they? I looked at all of these things and pondered the possibility that the sole eligibility criteria for these items is simply that she got them free from Sears, not that they actually have any practical use whatsoever once the baby is born.

Nursery-Essentials

1. Designer cot – Here’s a pro tip for the newbies. You might find that the cot falls fairly low down on the list of “essentials” once the baby is here. Wait, what? It’s important though, right? Having somewhere for your kid to sleep? It seems like a bit of a no-brainer, really. You’d think…

If your kids are anything like mine, your cot will either serve as storage for your baby’s jungle-themed menagerie of soft toys or as a glorified washing basket, the only receptacle in the house large enough to accommodate the ever growing mountain of pastel-hued laundry that keeps piling up around you. The kid might start using it somewhere around his first birthday. Or he might just decide that he is going to graduate straight to the queen ensemble in your bedroom, and skip that baby shit altogether.

2. Rocker with matching ottoman – The fancy chair will end up covered in breastmilk, baby spew, drool and probably a bit of baby poo too. Save your money for furniture that actually has aesthetic appeal. These things are unspeakably ugly and if you’re breastfeeding in those early days your nipples are probably going to feel like they are on fire for the first 8 weeks so a comfy chair will be the least of your worries. Better to invest in a good-quality length of soft rubber hose that you can bite down on every time you attach the baby.

3. Baby Monitor – I had a built-in baby monitor in my brain that I could never switch off. If my baby so much as sniffled from the other end of the house while I was in the deepest cycle of delta sleep (haha, yes, I’m sure it may have happened once or twice) I would immediately spring out of bed and race over to him faster than a wildebeest reacting to a surprise lion attack. Seriously, I quite regularly woke up the split-second before the kid even made a sound. That shit is freaky.

4. Mystery gadget – I mean, I don’t even know what number 4 is. What the heck is that thing? I could probably alleviate my curiosity and find out what it is by reading the article itself, but truth is, I can’t be bothered. So, I will forever wonder what mysterious plastic-contraption-crowned-with-miniature-sporting-equipment I am depriving my children of. I’m sure it is terribly vital and they are probably lagging behind in several categories of gross motor skill as a result.

5. Bookcase – I like the bookcase. I’m not going to diss on that one. Those that know me are well aware of my penchant for co-ordinating furniture. All babies need beautifully styled rooms. It is essential to their physical, emotional and aesthetic development. That is beyond dispute.

Being a Saturday night and being that I am home and have nothing better to do, I have decided to come up with my own list of nursery essentials. This is the stuff you really need. The stuff of survival. This is the free swag I can see myself in a brand ambassadorial role for.

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The Hugzilla Top 5 Nursery Essentials

1. Running shoes – Forget the cot. Forget the bassinette. Forget your baby sleeping at all. Most of my time was spent pacing the hallways with a screaming baby in the Ergo sling or walking the streets with a screaming baby in the pram or running down the middle of the road on my own into oncoming traffic, screaming. I needed comfy shoes.

2. Dolased painkillers – They make the pain go away. What pain? Any pain. Safe to take while breastfeeding. ‘Nuff said.

3. iPadI pontificated loudly that I wasn’t going to use technology as a babysitter, but then baby number two arrived. I spent 23 out of 24 hours in the day breastfeeding and trying to settle a screaming baby with silent reflux so I used it a lot to entertain and distract my toddler. I used it to stop him nagging me for things while I was breastfeeding, I used it to shut him up while I was trying to get the baby to sleep, I used it to shut the baby up by playing him womb sounds on YouTube with varying degrees of success (generally zero) and I used it to keep myself awake during those long night feeds at 9pm and 12am and 3am. Get one. You’ll want to legally adopt it.

4. Chocolate – You need to ask why?

5. Ear plugs – I never actually used them but I fantasised about it a lot. In hindsight I wish I had, my baby was an industrial-grade screamer. He gave me a goddamn headache every single damn day. Could have saved me a lot of money on painkillers.

Now shower me with free shit, my benign corporate overlords. I wanna be a “Brand Ambassador” for chocolate and codeine.

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